PLEASE NOTE: This is a post archived from September 10, 2014.
It’s a tough morning. My arms feel like lead and it’s not so easy to type. But from where I am it’s probably a good idea to get a blog entry out.
Yesterday, last night, and this morning have all been bad for the voices. Wait…those times have been good for the voices but bad for me. Mostly I have heard the football stadium crowd, with a few voices thrown in. Sunday I actually watched a football game on TV and the noises sounded exactly the same.
The perphenazine causes me to have very vivid dreams. I usually remember these dreams right when I wake up. Last night I dreamed about an old pastor of mine. He was talking to me and kept talking even after I woke up. I get confused between the voices, the dreams, and the noises.
I can’t really do much. Someone suggested music on headphones and that did help. I have a good book to try today and my devotional. TV is not bad but I have to turn it way up. Since I’ve been stuck at home for a few days, I moved my location as to have a change of scenery. I gathered my phone, computer, books, glasses, purse, and coffee up to our guest room. I just couldn’t look at the den one more day.
Now I am on six meds. I am either borderline insane, or my doc enjoys doodling on his prescription pad. I really shouldn’t say that. Dr. D has been there through thick and a lot of thin. He told me Monday (when I ditched the appointment) that we would get through this and I would feel better. Dr. D is from a different culture and he can be a bit gruff at times. So for him to be kindly was really a stretch. I know he cared about how I am doing. I’m not totally alone.
My husband is trying not to act too concerned. But this is the worst the voices have ever been and he knows it. I haven’t even told him the extent of the whole mess. He keeps nicely mentioning that the hospital is an option if I keep feeling so bad. The only reason I would go into the hospital is if they needed to try me on some tough meds, that I needed supervision for. I don’t feel depressed and I don’t feel at all like hurting myself. I DO feel very disappointed in my mind. I was dragging myself into recovery, and I just got drug right back out. And the hospital sucks big time. I HATE snotty therapists who lead group therapy as if they have been there. I hate sitting in therapy with a bunch of overly medicated people. (Uh, I guess you could throw me into the overly medicated group, myself.) I much prefer my peer led bipolar support group.
I wish my phone would ring and someone would magically say, “Lily, I love you and those voices WILL go away!” I feel lonely and crummy. I feel bored. Worse yet, I feel terribly shaky. I feel tired as my sleep has really been on and off.
One time when I was hearing voices years ago, I heard a couple of dogs on the street talk to me. This was while I was driving. I looked over at the corner and a dog was standing with its owner and it just started talking. This happened twice. So I have three dogs here at home and I keep looking at them, hoping they will say something. But they just bark. I guess the voices don’t show up on request.
You know, I had plans today. I needed to get a shower and do a little ironing. I was going to go to yoga. And then this afternoon, my husband and I were going to catch a movie. But I am scared of the noise in the shower. It might crack my head open. Yoga might work but I am wobbly and exhausted. A movie just sounds awful. I don’t need any more loud noise.
I want to get better and out by Friday. I am meeting my young bipolar friend that I mentor for breakfast. And then a good friend of mine and I were going to stroll around at a pretty open air mall. Saturday another friend, my husband, and I plan on going out to some garage sales. I also want to get my bin of Fall stuff out and decorate the house a little. This always helps me feel better.
I love to chat online with my “mentally ill” friends and one of my younger friends said something I found interesting. Now this is a sweet girl of 19 and she struggles daily right now. She said that during one of her tough times she was convinced that her tears could cure cancer. I don’t know why that spoke to me as it did. Perhaps that something good could come from all these tears?
But not me. I don’t cry. I just hold my head and try not to bang it on the wall or the floor to get the noises out. People constantly say “are the voices coming from inside or outside or your head?” Honestly, they come from everywhere.
Let’s go on the positive side, as much as I hate to. But you know in recovery, they want you to show gratitude. So I have some. Last night, we sat down with our youngest son and reviewed his college situation. He’s in his third semester at community college and we were figuring out what he should take in the spring. (The spring registration will be here before you know it.) So we limped along and figured what he needed to finish up. He is going to transfer to a state university.So we had to figure out how to do that. He finally has decided to get his degree in applied computing. We’re thrilled with that…it looks like a major with some job potential. So he is moving along. Now we have been parents long enough to know things don’t always work out…but at least for now he is on a path. And this was the kid who had continual problems in school and took a year off after high school to smoke pot and work at McDonald’s.
Our older son will graduate from the university a year from December with a degree in communications. No idea what you can do with that, but at least he will have a degree. He dropped out of college for two years and also smoked pot. Those were great years…NOT! My daughter, a special ed teacher, is settled back in school and doing well.
I am also grateful for my husband, my doctors and my friends. And for you, my anonymous blog readers.
Yesterday was the most views ever on the blog. So I know you’re out there reading. If you have the time, send me a comment or a hello. I sure could use it.
(Edited to add: This was back in the day when a comment was a real treat and surprise. You guys are so good now about chatting and keeping me going. I thank you for that.)