Daily Archives: March 29, 2015

Too Much Going On

I hate being over stimulated and having a guest staying with me, always does exactly that.

My father in law was supposed to stay with us for a weekend is now staying with us for 9 days, maybe more I don’t know. He came into town for my sister in laws divorce and Easter. I now have to budget our meals differently. Watch TV shows I have no interest in and just generally not feel comfortable at all.  Plus my lower back is killing me from sitting on the couch all day. Tomorrow I clean. It is starting to make me feel depressed. Apparently this is a huge trigger.

Plus we had 4 people from my husbands work drop by for a tour of the house. That was really stressful, but now we might have a couple to hang with! So that’s something good that came out of all this.

On the plus side when I woke up this morning I was officially down 20 pounds! That makes me happy as hell. I have a lot more to go but I am going to celebrate all the losses. 20 pounds is a huge deal.

Except for the last couple days my mood has been better. I am trying not to get down but I can feel my joy slipping away as I slide further into this hell. I’m not getting to hang with hubby either.

I’m frustrated to say the least though. I don’t know what to do about it.

March 30th Is Bipolar Awareness Day? I did not know that

Apparently March 30th is indeed bipolar awareness day. I did not know this until I read this blog

I decided I’d take the questionnaire

1. What does bipolar disorder mean to you?

It means I am different whether I want to be or not and now psychologists think I have schizotypal disorder as well for thinking I am different. Fuck you bipolar.

2. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

I was considered weird or eccentric, unreliable, irresponsible but FUN during manic runs. I didn’t know anything was wrong other than a dysfunctional home life and hellish teen years. I was just…a flake.

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?

33. Five doctors all being told by counselors that I was bipolar and not a one of them would change the diagnosis. 2006 I got Dr Right and she finally got me on the less treacherous path with mood stabilizers.

4. How do you manage your symptoms?

Um…Meds. Actually Lamictal and Xanax are the long time ones that work, the rest are just a parade of epic fails with hellish side effects or no effect or worsening symptoms. I write, I try to get out of the house, I try to play with my kid or cats as a way to distract from the symptoms. Guess what? Bipolar doesn’t give a fuck. Managing bipolar is like taking a rabid dinosaur for a walk on a leash.

5. What is life like for you now?

Now that I know I’m LEGITIMATELY fucked up yet society still frowns upon me…Life is just the same, except now the mood swings are like missing a couple of steps as opposed to falling down the entire flight.

6. Has having bipolar disorder affected your friendships, personal life, or professional life?

I don’t know, would not being able to breathe make you dead? DUH.
When I am manic, people adore me.
When I am depressed, people avoid me.
I am bad at friendships, relationships, jobs. Anything that requires consistency, lucidity, and reliability. Which means EVERY aspect of my life is affected every day.
Some people will play the mental illness card *only* when it applies to work or things that are unpleasant and not fun. Meanwhile, they have friendships, romances, social lives, fun.
Me, on the other hand, spend six to ten months of the year too depressed to put on a bra or even bathe at times and when I am up and manic, I am so impulsive I have to keep away from any situation that would lead to a poor choice getting me in trouble.
Barrel of fuckin’ laughs.

7. How do you think society treats people with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder?

My own family and friends treat me like I have three heads, ebola, leprosy, and the plague, but it’s all in my own mind so they shrug it off.
Society…Well, if you hide mental illness, they dismiss it as personality. If you admit to it, next thing you know you’re “that crazy person on pills.”
Ya know, the one people shield their children from with wary wide eyeballs because “she’s on meds, she may be dangerous.”
Of course society treats mentally ill people differently. It’s the social norm. Things have evolved over the years but the attitudes are much the same.

8. Have you ever felt discriminated against or looked poorly on because of bipolar disorder?

Hmmm…Most of my “romantic” relationships have ended with, “I just can’t handle the mood swings and you get depressed like this, it drags me down.”
My friendships…”You’re so fun sometimes but then you’re like this lump for so long, I cant take it.”
Jobs: “You will either show up or be fired.” So you show up, late, unbathed, bawling, and get fired anyway.
Job Interviews: “Why is your work history so spotty? Why have you not worked in so many years?”
“I am bipolar and it makes things very difficu-.”
Yeah, discriminated against sounds about right. Not that I entirely blame people. I think they are assholes without empathy,but at the same time, I am lucid enough to know reliability is crucial in most situations.

9. Do you have any words of advice for people in the world suffering with bipolar disorder, or other mental illness?

FIGHT THE STIGMA. Mental illness is no different than any illness of the body and allowing it to be treated like some mutant form of the plague needs to be challenged so that it can be changed. More education, more empathy, more understanding. If society would adapt to the needs of bipolar patients, as it does to people who need wheelchairs, a chance to take their insulin, or a day off because arthritis has you immobile… Treat illnesses equally.

World Bipolar Day- Questionnaire


World Bipolar Day Questionnaire

1. What does bipolar disorder mean to you?
It means that the things I was working on and that I believed I could overcome, are never going to go away. Added to that are various shitty prognoses on various levels.

2. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder?
Less crappy meds side effects, more mania, more dreams and hope and illusions.

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?
29 July 2014. 44.

4. How do you manage your symptoms?
Judging by the fucking awful depression I’ve been living with since July 2013, I’m not managing them at all. How I attempt the wondrous feat of euthymia is meds, strict routines, regular sleep and food, a good psychiatrist … blah blah blah.

5. What is life like for you now?
I hate living alone with bifuckingpolar disorder. I am fortunate, however, I have a good life, good friends. I try hard and I despair quietly and when things are at their worst, I am silent. I can’t trust my moods or reactions anymore and I have no dreams.

6. Has having bipolar disorder affected your friendships, personal life, or professional life?
I haven’t told a hell of a lot of people, which I am very glad about. Too many people calling me crazy already. I hate it. It hurts. As for work, I’ve lost the plot and my confidence.

7. How do you think society treats people with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder?
Like shit. Obviously. A quick look at the past month’s news items featuring bipolar will show you just how bad it is.

8. Have you ever felt discriminated against or looked poorly on because of bipolar disorder?
Yup – and far worse than homophobia ever hit me.

9. Do you have any words of advice for people in the world suffering with bipolar disorder, or other mental illness?
Take your damn meds.

Originally posted on Lazarus and Lithium:

In honor of World Bipolar Day, I encourage those of you living with bipolar to answer the following questionnaire to help raise awareness.

You can also nominate some bipolar bloggers to join in!

1. What does bipolar disorder mean to you?

2. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder? 

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?

4. How do you manage your symptoms?

5. What is life like for you now?

6. Has having bipolar disorder affected your friendships, personal life, or professional life?

7. How do you think society treats people with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder?

8. Have you ever felt discriminated against or looked poorly on because of bipolar disorder?

9. Do you have any words of advice for people in the world suffering with bipolar disorder, or other mental illness?

I’ll answer the questions:

1. What does bipolar disorder…

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Four Days

It’s funny how bipolar is portrayed on TV and in movies. They show the manic episodes, the flying high, talking too much, too much energy, too happy, argumentative, even physical outbursts…
Oddly, they do NOT show the flip side. For bipolar two it’s called life.

So yeah. I showered for the first time in four days. Well, 3.5 if you want to be technical. It’s so unlike me when I am manic or in between. I looove showers, love to feel clean. But when the depression takes over and the anxiety leaves me praying for death…It is what it is. Gross, smelly, icky, and reality.

I’ve come to the conclusion a large (ENORMOUS) part of my anxiety and exhaustion are due to my child. She has become a problem most days and I am ill equipped to handle such a willful disobedient child in my current state. Single parenthood is a job you never get to leave and when you have sleep disturbance on top of it and the child is attached to your elbow every minute of the day…
It takes a toll.
“This woman needs help” some would say.
What I need (other than a cleaning lady ‘cos I suck at that) is a method of discipline that will work with MY child. Not a million other kids. MINE. Because I have tried it all, trust me, and nothing works with her. It’s solely me she has trouble with. Every time I think I am making headway and things are improving…It takes only one visit to my mom’s and I’m right back at square one.
“Grandma lets me break my toys.”
“Grandma lets me eat the whole package of cookies.”
“Grandma doesn’t put me in time out.”
“Grandma will buy it for me.”

And she isn’t exaggerating. My mom would rather be liked than respected and as my dad said, “She’d have let you girls play with a chainsaw if it’d kept you happy.”
And having seen her let my three year old nephew play with an old metal meat grinder (“It’s doesn’t work, it’s ok” she says) I believe it.
I don’t want to keep my mom from her granddaughter. Mom means well, but as the youngest of ten kids she rarely heard the word no and it’s just how she is as a parent/grandparent.
It’s just every time Spook spends time with her, I have to do battle.
It’s not like this when she stays with Dad and stepmonster because we’re all on the same page about moderation, manners, and discipline.
Not my mother.
So what am I doing?
I’m letting my kid sleep over at her house tonight because if I don’t get a break from the constant noise and demands and mouthing back and fits…I am going to drink bleach.

I hit my wall with her yesterday. I was in between fury and tears, she just kept pushing, defying. She begged to go play outside. I said ok. Two minutes later she’s back in. “I want to be with you.” And so it went the entire time I tried to do dishes. “Can I have soap bubbles? Why is it taking so long? Is it time to go stay at Grandma’s yet?”
“No, Grandma said around three thirty tomorrow, you go when you’re told.”
“UH UH! I can go any time I want!”
I know people without my illnesses that would have probably backhanded her.
I made her sit on the couch. When she began screaming, bawling, and thrashing, I sent her to her room.
I was at wits’ end.
So when R surprised by calling by inviting us over for supper…I, who am loathe to socialize, couldn’t wait for the chance to get away from my kid. Let her go play with the granddaughter, give me some space.

She was fussy and bratty a little but once I threatened to sit her on the floor facing a wall while L got to play with the toys…She straightened up.
A glass of wine with our pasta didn’t hurt me any, no matter what the idiot professionals may say.
The kicker of the evening was when my kid kept saying a word.
And T, R’s eldest, the one with the master’s in psychology, kept correcting her.
And my snowflake of course fought valiantly. “I’m a princess, and I’m Canadian so I’m right!”
To which T says, “Well, no, Spook, you’re wrong. I have a master’s and my education means I’m right.”
OMFG. What arrogant 30 year old has an argument like that with a 5 year old over a NAME that can be pronounced several ways.
I glared and said, “To be fair, she says it the way I say it because I think it sounds funnier that way.”
Fuck off, Master’s Degree who didn’t even know where Munchausen by Proxy disorder originated from.

Came home, put the kid to bed.
Kept waking up every two hours.
Was awake for like three hours at one point. Of course, the spawn had climbed into my bed and demanded I stop pacing in the living room and come back to bed. Then she complained that I wouldn’t let her roll around and smash the kitten. Then she didn’t like the show I had on as background noise.
At this point, I’d let Leatherface babysit because I need a break even if it makes me a wussy and a bad mom.
Juggling this mental stuff is tough enough, and I’ve got this perpetual engine of defiance who seems to thrive on making it worse.
Manic, it’d barely phase me.
Depressed…It’s kicking my ass.
I want control of my life back. I want to get this kid under control. And I don’t mean like some perfect robot. I just want her to respect me and LISTEN and behave as well for me as she does others.
I will likely grow pegasus wings and a unicorn horn to become a pegacorn first.

Four days just to take a shower and it was like climbing a mountain.
TV needs to show that nasty aspect. The tears, the days of not getting dressed, the feeling like you’re beneath pond scum and that light at the end of the tunnel is a speeding train and you actually pray it will hit you…

But I guess that’s not as entertaining as happy manic funball.

And they claim to have cornered the market on reality TV.
Try my fucking reality.

Fun’s Fun – Until It Isn’t

When my husband, Dan, and I were dating, he would sometimes tickle me, or poke me, or make embarrassing jokes about bodily functions. And I would shut him down. “Stop that!” in the tone of voice that says, “I mean it and I’m angry.” If he persisted, I put my foot down even harder.

“You know what’s wrong with you?” he would say (and don’t you love sentences that start that way?). “You’ve forgotten how to have fun.”

I had to admit it was partly true. I had just come off a relationship in which I could set no boundaries. Rex would tickle me, for example, past the point of enjoyment until it was actually physically painful. I taught myself to shut down my tickle response (and who knows how many other responses along with it). I was depressed and I was damaged and I didn’t know what fun looked like anymore. But I knew that for me, tickling was not it, and that I had to clamp down on it or it might turn into pain.

A Facebook post brought this all back to me. Judi Miller, an awesome teacher of troubled teens, told of a time when a male student, “Johnny,” was teasing a girl, poking and tickling her and saying he wanted to handcuff her and tickle her till she screamed.

Judi objected. She explained, “Johnny, when you say to a woman who says ‘No’ to you that you’re going to restrain her with handcuffs and touch her without her permission until she screams, that sounds really rape-y to me.”

The boy protested that he hadn’t done anything wrong, and Judi took advantage of the teachable moment for a lesson on bodily autonomy: “That means you have a say in who touches you and how far you’re willing to go. In my family, if someone says ‘Stop tickling,’ we do, because consent is important to fun. If it’s all fun for you, and not for your partner, you aren’t listening to her needs.”

She added, “If you don’t respect her bodily autonomy when she says no tickling, or no touching, or to leave her alone, then will you respect her saying no when she doesn’t want to hug, or kiss, or get it on after a date? The pattern is the same. There’s the connection to rape.”

As with most teachers, she had no idea whether her message had an effect.

Until later that day, when a boy from a different class started an argument with his girlfriend, and grabbed her wrist, because she wouldn’t hug him.

Johnny was right there. “That ain’t cool. If she doesn’t want to hug right now, you got no call to get mad at her. You don’t own her ass, or her. She gets to decide if she feels like hugging you, kissing you, whatever. It’s called BODILY AUTONOMY, asshole. No wonder she don’t want to hug you if you won’t take NO for an answer!” Johnny said.

Judi thanked Johnny for listening to her and said she was proud of him. In fact, she later described this as her proudest moment of teaching all year.

Dan and I worked through our problem, I’m glad to say. I learned that I could say “no” and he learned not to push it. We both learned how to do things that were fun for both of us. Back then, I had never heard about “bodily autonomy.” We learned.

I wonder if Rex ever did.

Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: bodily autonomy, education, Judi Miller, my experiences, tickling

Neurotica: Erotica For the Slightly Anxious | The Hairpin


Pep Rally Rant


We all know someone who could use a good pep talk….so write them one.

I sort of debated about publishing this, because it makes me look like a flaming bitch, but then I thought, hey, I told you you’d get to see the ugly.

Dear Good Friend,

The purpose of this letter is to write a little pep talk for you. I thought and thought about what I wanted to say. I’m actually glad you’ll never get this “pep talk” cause I am mad. This is a pep talk RANT!

We met about 25 years ago at a Bible Study. We all had babies and kept getting pregnant. I wound up with three and you wound up with two.

I was sick off and on back then with bipolar (although we didn’t know what to call it at the time), but you really got sick with psychosis. Do you remember when you said you could jump off the roof and thought you were Jesus? Do you remember going into the hospital? Do you remember your crazy neighbors who thought you were possessed and needed an exorcism? Do you remember your nutball husband who half believed them?

So you got better on lithium but you and your family went to live with your parents. It was tough on everyone to raise two little kids and your husband always had troubles. He never quite fit in with all of us as couples. He was always coming up with some strange new business idea and you were always concerned about money.

You started complaining about him around 23 years ago. Seriously. I have been hearing it for 23 long years.

Now in your defense, I was sick off and on in there and you were a good friend to me. You listened endlessly when I cried and was suicidal. We even shared the same psychologist for a while. Do you remember him? And what he told you all those years ago?

He told you to leave your husband or be quiet about it. Even he thought it drug on much too long. But you always had excuses. First off, you said the kids were too young, even though they were in school by then. Next, you said you couldn’t survive without money. So, I backed off and said, okay, forget it and just get on with your life. But the same cycle would keep repeating itself. He’d get involved in some crazy money scheme and things would go south.

You even had to file for bankruptcy. You asked my husband for financial advice and he said you needed a divorce to separate the debt and get your finances and retirement  under control. The kids were in high school now, you could work, and we wondered what the excuse would be this time. You just coasted along with no action.

Even though you were on meds and seemed very stable, you never tried to work. Nothing ever seemed to appeal to you. I think you had the attitude that once you got married you should have been taken care of. And you had a big chip on your shoulder because that wasn’t happening. You didn’t see all of the other women out there in the same situation.

Finally, you got a divorce. But the complaining has gone on and on. Your ex is dating someone else and you can’t believe that! Your kids are angry at you that you waited so long. And of course, you’re not getting enough alimony.

You decided to go back to school to be a teacher. You took some of your retirement money to do this. I TOLD you teaching was incredibly stressful and didn’t pay well. But you were determined. You took a job in an inner city school and only lasted a few months. You complained the whole time. You got a job at a department store. You seemed to like that better. The next school year you got a job at a private school. You got fired for not having a Valentine’s party as expected. What?! More complaining. Now you are working as an aide in a classroom and figuring out where to get a teaching job next fall.

You are always asking for advice from us, so here it is: get out of that super expensive fancy apartment you are living in. It is way over your means. Find something for half that price, that is clean, comfortable, but not in the fancy section of town. Tell your free-loading daughter (24) and her boyfriend to move out or pay rent. And enforce it. No matter how many”problems” they have. Go back to the department store and get a job now before school lets out. Work two jobs for a couple of months so you have something in the summer. Start looking around for another occupation and think about working a couple of part time things or whatever. Teaching is too stressful…a full time classroom, that is. Quit spending what little retirement you have left. What will you do in a few years?

Find someone you totally trust (not us) and get financial advice from them. Do exactly as they say. Don’t argue and make excuses. Be realistic about your situation. It is what it is.

Don’t complain about your ex anymore. Twenty-five to thirty years is long enough!

Don’t make every conversation 100% about you and your troubles.

Once in a while, make your friend glad you called, because she feels better….don’t be toxic.

Don’t keep complaining that all of your friends have “disappeared”. It’s getting harder not to tell you why.

So this is my pep rally rant. Thank god you’ll never read it, but I feel better already. Go team!

A MESSAGE FOR ALL OF HUMANITY ~ Charlie Chaplin (Video)


By the end of this, I was amped enough to invade and take control of a small country. Charlie Chaplin’s politics are interesting: http://hollowverse.com/charlie-chaplin/

Originally posted on butchcountry67:

This is perhaps one of , if not the most powerful video I have seen to date, Watch and Listen

something to think about for sure….

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