I’m having a terrible day today. The kind of day I haven’t had in quite a while. I cried and yelled this morning. I haven’t cried in a while, except the other day when I had that terrible migraine. I yelled at my husband (that was okay, he sort of deserved it.)
It could be this new drug, Fetzima. But it could just also be part of the endless cycle of bipolar.
I am starting to panic. I think I should rename my blog. “lily pups life…bipolar!”. Forget about the recovery part. My legs don’t seem to want to go anywhere. I’m not living in recovery. Recovery isn’t even in my vocabulary right now.
Do you see that basketball up there in that image? That is me. Round and stuck. It would be hard to get me out of that net. Someone could come and push me through at the top I guess. My psychiatrist? Someone could bat me back up through the bottom. Some super tall guy? Someone could cut that net all off of me. But you and I know no one can cut bipolar from you. It’s IN you. That net squishes all around me.
March has been a tough month. I have achieved little in the way of any goals. And I don’t see anything big coming along for April. Just more of my life passing by and me looking in.
I got a heart-wrenching text from my bipolar support group the other day. I have not attended in like 5 weeks. The leader said they are all terribly worried about me. I’m sure they are. I am normally the strong one there and the others are more fragile. And then of course we had the loss of Steve to suicide. So I feel a bit guilty there. I also miss my women’s support group. I’ve been doing what I can at home and listening to a Christian book and doing my devotionals, but I’ve only made it to church once this month. And Palm Sunday and Easter are right here.
Thank God we can do a simple ham dinner here and even use paper plates. We entertained so much over the holidays I don’t feel guilty at all. But I would like to make it to church. And if it was today I would not.
I had a weird experience yesterday. I knew a guy in high school and college and it turns out he has written a new book. I knew he wrote a couple before and was writing for his local paper and I just caught wind of this one. I sent him a note and told him I was ordering his book and would review it online (which always helps when you’re getting rolling). I also gave him the address to our blog.
Now most of you know I blog anonymously, except for my best friend. That has enabled me to do two things 1) have terrible grammar and 2) be ruthlessly honest about myself. So why I passed this address along to an old friend I am not sure. I think it has to do with something in AA…making things right with people you harmed? I might not have harmed this guy, but I sure acted crazy. If by any chance he reads some of this joyous material he may know why.
Speaking of my best friend, we have gone from sort of being in touch to communicating almost every day through e-mail, text, or phone. I don’t even feel guilty about taking up her time because I don’t think it really is. It’s all just pretty fast, but it feels like it used to when we were pretty caught up with each other all of the time. And when we wrote and compared our writing and helped each other. I guess this blog isn’t “writing” but I certainly have an audience out there. So you all are worth mulling over and figuring out what sounds decent and what doesn’t. And you are the best kind of readership…the loving, supportive, non-judgmental kind.
Even though I haven’t been out (and I mean really at all) with my friends, I have been talking with them. We have been texting and calling. I spent an hour on the phone with my best friend from high school the other night. So I am staying in touch. But when I feel bad like I do today, I hate to tell anyone. Because I have absolutely no reason to feel bad. But we all know there is a reason…just lying there in wait for the new med to awaken it.
Can you believe that in March this blog gained 330 new followers? What the hell is that about? If my life was doing as well as this blog…I wouldn’t need to write a blog. (Did that make sense?)
I think that I have started to accept the fact that for the foreseeable future I will not be going anywhere. I will shower when I get desperate and do what I can to handle things from home. I will do yoga and stretch tapes at home. And I’ll walk. My dogs are excited. They know the sound of me typing the word “WALK”. I have given up on “making” myself do things. I really don’t care anymore. Unless Keith Urban walks by in the nude or something I doubt I’ll be moving too fast.
I feel fragile, both physically and emotionally. And that’s okay. It is what it is.
I have beef stew thawing for dinner. I’ve got a good audiobook to listen to. And my trusty old couch is here. And you guys are here. It could be worse. Hugs.