Daily Archives: March 16, 2015

Picture Perfect

Nicer weather is here now, hopefully to stay. It makes me think about spring time and summer which are usually...

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I want out

Yes. I do. I want out. Out of this cage that mental illness has trapped me in.
It’s not even 4pm and already my mood has hit the gutter (the sunlight is scorching my retinas and killing my head!!!!) and I’ve had a ninja panic attack just sitting at home. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about much, I was watching the Good Wife. How does one get a panic attack from that, ffs?

And why did the mere act of going into the dish to fetch my kid cause my mood to crumble like a building detonated and imploded?

I showered, I cooked.
Now I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep even though that is at least four hours off realistically. How the fuck does this even happen? I’m on 250 mg Lamictal, 40 mg Prozac, yet my moods are crashing worse than ever before.
I have already decided I am not answering one single call or text I might receive from here on out today.
People make me sick.
And I am sick to begin with.
Does not want.

Why does everything have to be such utter shit?
And why does it only seem so doomsday-ish and hopeless when the mood bottoms out? What exactly is scumbag brain trying to say here?

I. Want. Out.


The guide did the same thing that every cave guide does when they get the tour down deep inside the cave. He gathered us all together and turned off the lights. Absolute dark. The absence of any light whatsoever. You couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. Everyone who has ever had that experience knows exactly what I am talking about.

You know I’m antisocial … I was a little more unapproachable when I still had two dogs and an electric wire running along the top of my fence, but the wooden fence and my one dog and the fact that my gate is not where people think it ought to be, keep me fairly private. Only people my dog likes can just wander in – and those people are (mostly) welcome. The reason I’m waffling on about that, is that a bit earlier, someone stood outside the fence shouting knocky knockyyyyy till I appeared. It was cute.

Last night I dreamed that I kissed Alanis Morissette – odd in itself, because I’ve never perved her and it’s a while since I’ve heard any of her music. What’s even odder is that we abseiled Big Ben first, then when we swung inside it had turned to the dome of St Paul’s. And then we had to inhale dust from the surface of a very old golden candle while we kissed. Looks wise, she was in this sorta mode:


But this is way funnier:


… and it’s the only meme I could find that didn’t talk about how ironic it is that she wrote a song called isn’t it ironic, which contains no irony. So much irony.

My head is sore and I’ve had quite a lot of brain zaps today. Last night’s sleep was a bit broken (DAMN YOU ALANIS!), I’m tired and mopey.

I watched Django Unchained (yeah I’m always late to the movies) and then read a whole heap of varying reactions to it. One critic got grouchy at people laughing ‘when a white woman was shot near the end,’ well that was a slice of humour that I didn’t see as racially motivated at all. I snorted aloud too, it was bloody funny. Classic slapstick tension breaker – classic Tarrantino – all that grim violence and then gleeful laughter, because when said white woman took the bullet, her body flew up and backwards into the next room, out of sight. The prototype kkk got served with wit too; the hood eyehole fail was epic. I read that Spike Lee and Louis Farrakhan found the film insulting to their ancestors; they have every right to their reaction. All opinions are valid eh?


Remember that shootout scene in Boondock Saints? Slomo bullets and quick deaths bam bam bam, blood spatters and crouching corpses hidden cadavers and then that slooooow quiet breathless moment and BAM another gunshot and the cat dies too. Mew. Funny as fuck, because it’s a relief from the pace and blood of all the killing before it, amirite? Only one thing is certain – all the white people who yelled about racism against whites in the film … well they don’t know shit.

Eh meh. I’m babbling on as though my blog just met me at the door, took my coat and said hi honey, how was your day?



Well blog, I’m kinda achy and fizzy, like I’m getting the flu … *mournful look*
You poor thing, relax while I get you some lemon and honey, today’s newspaper and Alanis Morissette.
Ohhh alright then … if you must.

(I just hope it’s not man flu.)
(If it’s butch flu I’m okay.)
(Butches really are tough.)


Take the light you can hold

“We can’t live in the light all of the time.  You have to take whatever light you can hold into the dark with you.”   — Libba Bray, A Great And Terrible BeautyFiled under: quoth Tagged: darkness, light, quote


So we went to Birmingham, Alabama for Spring Break and enjoyed ourselves for the most part.  My youngest had a dance competition Saturday and performed in the night program.  We left Thursday afternoon and got there in good time to eat and rest up from the trip.

Friday we spent at the Birmingham Zoo in the morning, seeing all the different animals, particularly their collection of “big cats”–bobcats, sand cats, lions, tigers, ocelots, and other large felines we had never heard of.  Another adventure there was feeding the lorikeets.  Bob had the lorikeet nectar, so the birds perched all over him.  My middle daughter had one land on her head and stay for a while; she was worried for a little while that she’d have to chase him off.  It rained on us most of the morning and was chilly in defiance of a 70+ degree forecast.  But we had fun anyway.

Pajama Mom Rides Again

Once upon a time, I swore I’d never be a frumpy house frau who went out in pajamas looking lie a slob. Ha ha ha. How immature and deluded was I then. I have a kid now. Between her and the mental illness, the public should be thankful I remember to put on pants even if they are drawstring pj pants with a skull motif. (And the glow in the dark skull shirt matches, so at least I am coordinated, ya know, sort of.)
So fuck it, yeah, my kid’s chauffeur is wearing pajamas. Can’t be arsed to get dressed. I couldn’t get to sleep last night, in spite of being rather mellowed out. My brain was on slow cyclone speed and I just wasn’t getting sleepy. So when the alarm went off, I was like, ugh, fuck this shit.
But I got up. Getting her up involved the usual Monday “I’m too sleepy” screamfest. Mondays. Shit.
Here goes another week of mental hell.

I’ve been pondering lately the difference in gender/custodial parenting. Everyone claims to love their kids, blah blah blah. And I have met as many shit mothers as I have shit dads. But lately, it’s occurred to me that non custodial parents (usually men) are spoiled little bitches. “It’s 6 a.m., why are you waking me up?”
Um…You have a kid, you know they don’t come with snooze buttons even if you want to spend ten hours getting shit faced.
Oh, right. Non custodial parent. They get to sleep in and have a social life and not stress over every tiny thing. Hell, they get a solid night’s sleep because they’re not waking up every two hours to go poke the kid with a stick.
Pissy. Spoiled. Little. Bitches.
I know a guy with three girls, and I can say, he’s stuck by them through thick and thin. But he also moved in a chick he doesn’t even like beyond sex and she’s the primary caregiver. He earns the paycheck, but she’s home day in and day out with these kids. And he comes down to my sister’s to get stoned and play video games and this woman is left to watch kids that are not even her own.
I guess it just pisses me off that people can become parents and yet still act like irresponsible bratty teenagers. Grow the fuck up. Men, women, chihuahuas. If you have a kid, then your life and needs are in the backseat. Suck it the fuck up. Like I want to get up at the crack of ass every day. Like I want to be bothered with schedules and parent teacher conferences and homework and school programs. (Not to be rude, but I am not PTA soccer super mom.)
I do it, though. For the child I CHOSE to bring into this world. So if a world class mental case fuck up like me can do it, why am I surrounded by all these adult children who seem to think the world still revolves around them and the kids are just accessories to be dragged along?

Thinking such deep thoughts is giving me a stomach ache.
I have this quid pro quo mentality and when there’s no give/take, even if it doesn’t apply to me personally, I get deeply offended. It takes two to make a kid and yet it always seems like one parent gets all the responsibility even when it’s not a broken home situation.
There are exceptions to the rule, of course. Lots of dads are very into coparenting. Ya know, the ones who aren’t assholes who say “I’m babysitting the kids tonight.”
Um…You donated the sperm, you are not babysitting, they are YOUR kids to take care of.
Oddly, I felt this way before I ever had a kid. I watched too many people (including my own sister) pop out kids in their teens then leave someone else to raise the kid so they could continue their youth fun pursuing times. Bullshit. I wouldn’t even leave my cats to be cared for by someone else unless I was in the hospital.
Little kids masquerading as adults.

Feisty this morning, ain’t I?
I can feel the mania tugging at the edges. It’s there, thrumming at the surface, about to boil over. I am fighting it, though.
There comes a point where my unwinding takes a backseat to what is best for my kid and what is safe and wise.
Of course, if I could entirely rein it in, I would stop taking these stupid meds.
Yes, I said it. Much as the meds help, they are also a hindrance. And the guilt involved even when you don’t want to feel guilty and don’t think you should…There’s always some asshole who’s going to look down on you because they took up running marathons and it cured their two month long depression so it will work for you too.
Die in a fire.
Seriously, you want to liken a two month depression to what I’ve gone through since I was 12 years old?
Ass clowns.

I think I should do something.
I don’t know what. Housework blows.
I need a helper monkey to do that shit. Sad thing is, the monkey would probably do a better job at it than I do. Housekeeping is not my forte. My attitude is, if it’s so damned bad, get someone in here to help me do it better.
Frankly, I think dust bunnies bulk up the immune system.

me me meme

Thanks for the great questions, Bipolar1Blog.

1) Do you like to read and if so what genre?
Yes yes yessss I love reading. I like, in no particular order, speculative and post apocalyptic fiction, biographies, history, cowboy stuff, meta fiction, Scandinavian noir … eh, this genre thing is always problematic for me. I read a lot and I read widely; reading = breathing. End of.

2) What is a/the story you’d like to tell?
I can’t think of anything, I have words and fragments of thoughts, but no stories. Anecdotes, I’ve got those. Hrm … i n t e r e s t i n g . . . *disappears into own navel*

3) What is your history of mental illness?

4) What is a perfect day for you?
Balmy weather, no deadlines, no anxiety.

5) What is the hardest thing you’ve done?
Learned to shift my own wishes into genuine ones for other people, instead of making it all about me. “I wish …” can and should be analysed beyond the simple statement of it. It’s been possibly my most significant lesson learned so far. Well, that and how to fry bacon.

6) Do you have kids?

7) What advice would you give to your younger self and what would you say to your older self if you were sitting next to them?
– go see a psychiatrist immediately.
– wtf are you still doing here?!

8) Do you like to cook?
I’d enjoy it more if my kitchen was bigger than a matchbox, but not to any creative/passionate extent.

9) City or suburbs?
Nooooo. A hermit’s cave for me tyvm.

10) Did you go to college and if so what did you study?

World Bipolar Day Is March 30th, Van Gogh’s Birthday



World Bipolar Day (WBD) will be celebrated each year on March 30th, the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh, who was posthumously diagnosed as probably having bipolar disorder.  The vision of WBD is to bring world awareness to bipolar disorders and eliminate social stigma. Through international collaboration the goal of World Bipolar Day is to bring the world population information about bipolar disorders that will educate and improve sensitivity towards the illness.

Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness that represents a significant challenge to patients, health care workers, family members and our communities.  While growing acceptance of bipolar disorder as a medical condition, like diabetes and heart disease, has taken hold in some parts of the world, unfortunately the stigma associated with the illness is a barrier to care and continues to impede early diagnosis and effective treatment.  In order to address the disparity in how bipolar disorder is viewed in different parts of the world, the Asian Network of Bipolar Disorder (ANBD),the International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF), and the International Society for Bipolar Disorders (ISBD) came together to work on the concept of a world bipolar day.

Willem Nolen, Immediate Past President of the ISBD, shares his enthusiasm about this initiative

 “When the ANBD, who came up with the idea, approached the ISBD we immediately decided that we should support it actively.  The initiative helps to achieve our goals to improve the lives of bipolar patients and their relatives.  We immediately invited the IBPF to join in the initiative and are excited to work with such a great group of organizations.  I am confident that World Bipolar Day will grow in the upcoming years and will help reduce stigma.” 

Muffy Walker, Founder and President of IBPF, said the following when asked why she felt it important to be involved with WBD,

“As Martin Luther King once said, I have a dream that one day our nations will rise up and create all men equal. And I have a dream that my son, who has lived most of his life with bipolar disorder, will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by his illness, but rather by the content of his character. I believe that World Bipolar Day will help bring my dream to fruition.” 

Manuel Sanchez de Carmona, ISBD President, believes that

“WBD is an excellent opportunity for us [ISBD members] to reach out to patients, families and advocacy groups to invite them to work together on this global project to sensitize and bring awareness to bipolar disorders.  WBD is a platform to think global and act local – our vision will be attained with a motivated and strong local effort.” 

It is estimated that the global prevalence of bipolar disorder is between 1 and 2% and has been said to be as high as 5% and, according to the World Health Organization, is the 6th leading cause of disability in the world.  In order to address this global problem, we need a global solution.  With support from leading experts from around the world, groups like ANBD, IBPF, and ISBD are supporting efforts to investigate biological causes, targets for drug treatment, better treatments, better methods of diagnosis, the genetic components of the illness, and strategies for living well with bipolar disorder and this is just the beginning. Collaborations between research and advocacy groups are continuing to grow, and WBD is a tribute to the success of this strategy.

Christine Saenz, a patient and blogger, explains,

“I am so excited about this project and its message.  It is so important to educate the world and fight the stigma that is associated with mental illness.  Bipolar does not have to be scary. I am the face of Bipolar.  I am just like everyone else. With the right treatment plan, I am able to live a stable and happy life.”

As the day draws near we encourage you to organize and publicize local events, which can be shared with the world through distribution on the WBD Facebook page (www.facebook.com/worldbipolarday).  While a permanent home on the web has not yet been established, in the interim, ISBD will host your announcements on a special section of our website devoted to WBD.  The WBD page will ultimately host press releases for these events, as well as provide a place to post photos, stories and share inspiration with others who share the vision of WBD.

For more information about WBD, or for any questions, comments, or event announcements, please contact Jill Olds at jillo@isbd.org

The WBD logo and its derivations  must be used in a manner consistent with the spirit of World Bipolar Day, and would naturally be expected to exclude:

1.       Activities whose principle purpose is to generate income

2.       Activities that exclude anyone on the basis of race, religion, gender, etc.

3.       Activities that may further harmful stereotypes or otherwise contribute to further stigmatization of bipolar illness

4.       Activities that do not relate to bipolar disorder in some way

5.       Activities or messages that contain “hate speech”

6.   Use of the logo in conjunction with pharmaceutical support