This is a post from the archives, published 8/19/2014. Enjoy!
I’m struggling today. If you read the first post or so of this blog, you’ll remember that I have “psychotic features” along with my bipolar. And those features are back. I have been hearing voices pretty steadily for the past couple of nights and am to the point where I am pretty much glued to the couch. The meds I take for the voices make me really weak.
I didn’t much feel like writing a blog entry today…I had been feeling so good and it was easy to write then. But I figure if you’re going to get a good look at my disease, you’ve got to see it all. This isn’t the worst of it, but it’s fairly crummy.
This recovery has been a struggle. It seems like forever since I have felt good for a long period of time. I have a week or so of good days and then a couple of disasters. Today is a really bad day to take “off” of life. I had several good things planned. I was going to have lunch with my best friend from high school. I rarely see her so that would be a treat. I have my therapist to see this afternoon. And I will miss my bipolar support group, which I love. It’s not the end of the world. I think my friend will understand (I need to explain more of my illness to her), I can call in and do my therapy session, and lots of people miss my support group from time to time. It’s just that I WANTED to be up and around and normal.
I seem to have a routine of several pretty decent days, followed by a couple of active days, followed by a weak crash. Just unable to get out and move. I don’t feel depressed, which should be a celebration within its self, but I do feel guilty. Guilt and bipolar walk hand in hand with me. I’m not crying either, which is a great sign.
People always ask me what the voices sound like. They vary a little but have the same theme. They often sound like a marching band crashing up the stairs. They also can sound like a sporting event with screaming. Sometimes they just call my name. That one is the eeriest. They sound SO real. Like someone is right there talking. It’s hard. Fortunately, I haven’t had a lot of demons telling me to leap off buildings. Or that the CIA is watching me.
I’ve always wondered why people’s voices tend to lean toward the dark. No voice ever says, ” Hey, get up and go buy a lottery ticket. I have the numbers!”
I had a nice little vacation away with my family and did great. I was alone a lot of the time as the guys were off doing their own thing and I did fine. No voices. So why they have appeared now I have no idea.
On a different take, it is raining quite hard here, which is very unusual. The news is just “flooded” get it? with story of excessive water everywhere. We have a standing pool of water in the center of our backyard but it doesn’t look like it is growing too much. The news is showing people stranded by their cars with water flowing in front and behind them. That’s the sort of thing that helps me, a little tether to reality.
I hate this feeling of exhaustion. Those darned voices really keep me up. I get so tired and drained. I have things to do…I want to read my book for my new book club. I want to run over to the mall for some new clothes. I wanted to get to yoga. But I am just too darned tired to do much more than get a little something to eat and maybe get something in the slow cooker for everyone’s dinner. No matter how bad I feel, people here always need to eat.
So today’s big goals are : 1) get something prepped for dinner 2) read a bit of my book 3) clean up around my little table (it’s crowded with junk), and 4) try to avoid crying or feeling too lonesome.
I feel a bit better after writing this entry. There’s a little company in all of this. I know some of you are going through it too.
If you feel inclined, leave me a comment and say hello! Would love to hear from you. You’re real.