Daily Archives: February 26, 2015

There’s insanity, then there’s INSANITY!

U.S. President Barack Obama speaks at a news conference on the second and final day of the NATO summit at the Celtic Manor resort, near Newport

I am beside myself! Who are these isis monsters? Why have they been allowed to carry on their lunatic atrocities? Why have the Arabs allowed it? Why has the US allowed it? These people are a scourge on this earth. There’s nothing between their ears except death and destruction. They cannot be allowed to exist in this world. Normally I am non violent, I am a Pacifist. I don’t like violence. But in this case, with humans so defective and so rabidly violent, I am in total favor of taking them out with whatever measures are necessary. They need to go. The world doesn’t need their lunacy or sickening violence. Please President Obama, do something! For the sake of the world, do something. Don’t let these rabid, hateful, lunatic excuses for human beings continue to terrorize our world. Please President Obama, don’t just say it, get rid of the bastards. I wish they would try to target Israel, Israel would have no trouble nuking the hyenas, actually I’m giving hyenas a bad name here. They have to go. There is no other option.


The Crazy Giant Step

princiI saw a writing prompt the other day about “walking on the moon”. It wanted to know: “What giant step did you take in your life? Did you succeed?”

The answer is uh, NO, I did not succeed.

The beginning of this manic tale starts with me innocently in college and getting ready to graduate. I went to school in a very small town and I wanted to teach elementary school. There was no chance of doing that there….they were bursting at the seams with teachers…so I moved to the big city.

It takes time to get all of your paperwork together for a teaching application and I took a job as a server at a nice restaurant. I was amazingly manic and wow did I ever make the tips. Looking back, I made much more than I did teaching. Unfortunately, you can’t be a depressed server, but I digress…..

I applied for a sixth grade job and got it. Now this was a “special” school…they used a “special” kind of reading program that was very popular in those days. So parents tended to flock to this school and try to get their kids in. These parents were fundamentalist “holy roller” types. They wanted lots of God in the public schools. It was sort of a mess. Fortunately, I had nothing big against God. I tried to keep the worst of it out and we all got along fine. I was a very popular teacher.

Meanwhile, I was manic and bored. I decided my first year of teaching I wanted to be a principal. Just like that. We had a large university close by, so I signed up for my Masters program and started going to school at night. I worked all day, studied all night, and had a 3.9 GPA when I finished. I was on the fast track.

I was teaching in a giant district and they had a program for future administrators. It was hard to get into, but I made it. I was the youngest and there weren’t many women. But the thing went on for two years and I figured I could learn all there was to know about being a principal during that time.

One day my principal shows up at my classroom door and wants to see me. Uh, wow. It seems there is a small district across town that needs a principal NOW. (This was in October.) The reason they were sniffing around me was because I knew all about this special reading program. Their school also used this “special” program. And the holy rollers over there insisted on getting a principal familiar with it.

I reminded my principal I was only 25. He said “Yeah, but you never know when another offer might come along.” I asked him when they wanted to interview me. He said, “THEY ARE IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW.”

This should have been a clue. I asked them where the previous principal was and they said she had been sick for over a year. The secretary had basically been running the school. Gee.

So of course I took this job. Piece of cake. No problem. I went out over the weekend, bought some suits, and got ready.

The first day I arrived I was greeted by my saintly secretary. She was amazing and really glad to see me. Interestingly enough, the power went off about 10 am. She said “It always does that. The ladies have turned the big ovens on to cook lunch. This is an old building.” Oh, boy.

As you can imagine, with no one running this show, things were in quite a mess. I didn’t eat and dropped 25 pounds in short order. My skirts got way too big. But I was manic, and just took things one item at a time. I was doing a decent job.

Now I wasn’t the sort of person that normally worried about everyone liking me. I had been popular enough in high school, but not crazy popular. And that’s how I figured I’d be here. I really tried to be nice to all of the teachers as best I could. Except the librarian. I hated the librarian. She was mean and always took food off the kids’ plates at lunch and ate it. Then the parents would call me and complain. This drove me crazy. I think she was nuts.

I had to fire a teacher. It was a male middle grade teacher. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN fire a teacher. Or at least you could. This guy’s file was littered with disciplinary slips of problems he had had. With me, it started when I went in his room one day and he was not there but the kids were. He was on the phone in the teachers lounge. He was running a fencing business on the side. I wrote him up for leaving the kids alone. I did a thorough, solid write up. A week later, I caught him again. Wrote him up again. Next thing I knew, he got mad and threw a bottle of White Out (does anyone know what that is?) and hit a kid in the eye with it. I wrote him up, had him sign it, and took all this paperwork down to HR. The next school board meeting, the guy was fired.

Sadly, he was best friends with the crazy librarian. So she told everyone I was on a mission to get rid of them all and they had better watch out. Sigh.

The good news here was I was making really good money and was too busy to spend it. I bought a condo very close to the school. That worked out as I had to spend a lot of evenings there at events. It was a K-8 school so we even had dances.

But as any bipolar knows, stress is the trigger for bad things. And they were sure on the way…..



34 Degrees

So we’re holding steady at 34 degree–no ice or snow down here.  North of us is covered up with the stuff, but we’re clear.  So the kids go back to school and I get to go to therapy this morning.

It hasn’t been a bad couple of days with the kids,.  They’re watched movies, played Muppet Monopoly, Scattergories, and Wheel of Fortune, cleaned up their rooms, done art projects, and generally had a peaceful time. It was restful to not have to run around like crazy for after-school activities, too. Going to be hard to catch up the lost days–they’ll tack them in at some point.

When the Levee (Computer) Breaks

I live! Honest!

Okay so, I’ve been way lax on posting because one of my computers has been problematic. One of like, three that are mine that I could have been blogging on. But because my brain has assigned the writing tasks to this specific one and it was having problems, I couldn’t actually write because my anxiety would shut me the hell down. And as it were, the computer is still not quite okay, but the current temporary solution makes me feel a lot more relaxed about things (the tl;dr — graphics card fubared, tried to switch to onboard, broke things badly, reinstalled the os, borrowed old graphics card from an older computer). I have a feeling that most of the people reading this can probably understand the importance of routine being maintained, though I can also hope that nobody has a brain that is stuck being quite that rigid.

Of course, after a gap, I’m not exactly sure what to say. I’m still here, which is obviously a big deal. I’m alive, husband is alive, kids are alive, all of which are good signs. I’ve had a few spots of GAH KILL EVERYTHING mood spiking, but I can’t decide if those were within normal realms of happening, or a sign I should up my doses. I’m always prone to lean towards upping being good, if I’m honest. Of course, the anxiety spikes were mainly related to the  caring for of my children, both of whom are wonderful little people, but yanno… definitely test a person’s patience. I’ve also had a spot of insomnia the past week or so, but thankfully, I brought a couple of bottles of melatonin over from the States a few years ago, so that helps in the worst moments.

As for physical health, I have had no luck so far getting the birth control I want due to hilariously bad circumstances. Well, I’m choosing to laugh at it, at least. The doctor who does the IUD/IUS/etc installs at my doctor’s office was first out on emergency, then has leave to burn (???), and now they don’t know when he’ll be back. That was a month of my time wasted, and another period to go through. There -is- a clinic at the hospital, but I’m not 100% sure they do fittings. We’re going to find out about getting in there to be seen, and go from there. I’m still very determined to try to get this important factor in improving my physical and mental health sorted.

I’ve also been happily putting pedal to the metal — husband found where the pedal exerciser had been stashed during the move in the past month or two. It’s nice ’cause I can use it while sitting here at my desk, which works well with chronic fatigue. I don’t know if it’s doing me any good one way or the other… probably. It’s nice to be able to enjoy it without trying to think too much about being ‘healthy’, or ‘losing weight’, or any number of other things that rob the joy of movement. I am enjoying the movement, and that is really and seriously the main thing. I’d love to be able to enjoy more out-of-chair movement, but yanno, see above paragraph.

Hope everyone out there is doing well, and hopefully, will be back to posting more regularly now!



NAMI Now – February 2015

The latest NAMI news stories, blogs and upcoming events from NAMI.org February 2015 TOP STORY When Mental Illness Enters the Family Dr. Lloyd Sederer offers advice on how to care for a loved one with a mental health condition. READ…

I think, therefore I am: I can’t think, therefore I am sick?!

Sick: definition: 1. afflicted with ill health or disease; ailing. 2. affected with nausea; inclined to vomit. 3. deeply affected with some unpleasant feeling, as of sorrow, disgust, or boredom: sick at heart; to be sick of parties. 4. mentally, … Continue reading

Self Compassion


Self compassion: To treat yourself with love and patience. To not condemn yourself. To treat yourself as you would a very beloved child. People make mistakes, everyone does. It doesn’t help to be angry at yourself, it doesn’t help to denigrate your self. How do you think is the best way to teach someone? By yelling and screaming at them, basic training style? Or by being patient and benevolent towards them? The whole point of basic training in the army is to lose your sense of self. You no longer exist, only a subordinate, obedient, robot, who, when the sergeant says “Jump!” only says “How high sir?” You don’t question anything, you just do as you are told. This may be, tragically, how things have to be in the Armed Forces, but it is not the way civilian life is lived. We are all individuals, and we celebrate that individuality. People aren’t brow beaten or worse physically beaten to learn something. Also, if someone makes a mistake, there is no corporal punishment. Ideally, they would be told that everyone makes mistakes and not to worry. If we believe that that is how a person is to be treated, with compassion, patience and love, if we believe that, then why don’t we believe that we also deserve this treatment. I have a cat and she is going to be 20 years old in June! I would NEVER dream of yelling at her. I treat her with the utmost love and affection. I cherish her because she is my sweetest little one and now because I don’t know how much longer she will be here. In short, I absolutely adore this kitty of mine. Now do I deserve the same treatment from me as my cat gets? Or do I call myself stupid when I make a mistake and get really angry at myself?


Truthfully, I think I am always too easy on myself and other people (is there something as too easy?) Maybe that’s why I’m not as disciplined as I should be. Wait, how much should I be? Uh oh, here I go “shoulding” on myself haha.

But seriously, wouldn’t it be great if we could hold ourselves in a loving embrace, figuratively speaking, and treat ourselves with warm compassion instead of anger, dislike and even self hatred? Do you think you hack a plant to pieces in a rage, that it would grow and flower for you? Umm no. What if you treated a plant like a beloved being, watering, pruning, even talking to it. Would it grow and bloom in this instance? Plants are living beings like we are. If love and compassion and care makes them flourish, what would it do for us?

Below is from the following website I found: http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/ They have workshops all over the country about Mindful Self Compassion. They also have books they recommend. Links below.

Mindful self-compassion is the foundation of emotional healing—being aware (mindfulness) in the present moment when we’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy, despair, confusion, and other forms of stress and responding with kindness and understanding (self-compassion). Mindful self-compassion also means holding difficult emotions—fear, anger, sadness, shame and self-doubt—and ourselves, in loving awareness, leading to greater ease and well-being in our daily lives.

***Mindful self-compassion can be learned by anyone. It’s the practice of repeatedly evoking good will toward ourselves especially when we’re suffering—cultivating the same desire that all living beings have to live happily and free from suffering. And as the Dalai Lama says, self-compassion is the first step toward compassion for others.*** Love this!


Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourselfhttp://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Judging-Yourself-Embrace-Being/dp/0061733512/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288576732&sr=1-6

The Mindful Path to Self Compassion: http://www.guilford.com/books/The-Mindful-Path-to-Self-Compassion/Christopher-Germer/9781593859756 

Safety Plan



Originally posted on lily pups life:

Just wanted everyone to know that I carry a safety plan similar to this one in my purse at all times. My psychiatrist and psychologist also have a copy. I haven’t had to use it yet, but it is a tool for me when I need it. If you know someone who might benefit, please pass it along. Thanks.

View original

not my circus

Conflictwoman announced my mother’s death on fb without asking and before I or nextofkin had said anything. She threatened suicide within 24hrs of her death too. My mother’s opinion of her? Nice when not mad. When she informed me that my mother was a lesbian, she just didn’t know it, my hackles rose. I took a big step back for 24hrs or so, so that I wouldn’t react emotionally. Then I engaged calmly. First she apologised and a while later she informed me, in essence, that her pain was as great as mine, she had every right … she thought she could get support from me … passive aggressive codswallop.

Taking her shit is not a new concept in my life. I’ve done it to some extent because she is a wounded soul, and to some extent because her children are very close to my heart. But the kids are grown up and so independent friendships are fine now – and we all have wounds and choices about the scarring. So I’m done with it and, having done some ranting to a friend yesterday, I feel resolved about it as well.


I haven’t replied to her and I have no intention of doing so.

Miss Marjorie Expects

Cycling on the pavement can be hazardous to your health.

Cycling on the pavement may be hazardous to your health.

A final bit of February fiction

Miss Marjorie Expects

Will you get off the pavement, young man? Some of us have places we need to be.”

The stout woman who was hugging a large red handbag to her considerable bosom threw her best Thursday glare at the young lad on the scooter who was attempting to share the pavement with her wide body.

What, your dinner?” The lad sniggered.

Hand!” the woman shouted .Before the lad knew what was happening, she reached into her bag, pulled out a ruler, and delivered three sharp cracks on the boy’s right knuckles.

Ow!” he cried, dropping his scooter in surprise, and pain. “What was that for?”

The first one was for cycling on the footpath; the second, for being rude to a lady about her weight, and the third for being a cheeky little blighter.”

What are you, a teacher? Or some kind of headmistress?”

The woman pulled herself up to her not-very-considerable height. “I am Miss Marjorie Jane Banks, retired Assistant Head of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.”

The boy nursed his bruised hand. “I weren’t cycling, I was … scootering.”

Whack! Whack! went the ruler.

Ow! Ow!” said the boy. “What was that for?”

Another for cheekiness, and another for bad grammar. “And – “ She reached out, and struck him a third time.

Ow! And that one?”

For making me late to my local chapter meeting of the NSPCC.”

Miss Banks smiled. She was a retired school head, that much was true. She was also a splendid liar. It just wouldn’t do, telling the boy she was running late to her first day as Miss Marjorie, Dominatrix Extraordinaire.

Fossgate, York, earlier this year.

Fossgate, York, earlier this year.

If you enjoyed this story, check out my short story collection “What! No Pudding?” available on Amazon. Another collection,”Koi Carpe Diem” is planned for later this year.