Daily Archives: February 14, 2015


To you, and you, and you! I hope it filled with chocolate, candy, and sex :)

“Love is the voice…”

Originally posted on the secret keeper:
“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…” — e.e. cummings

Happy Valentine’s To Everybody

I just wanted to say Happy Valentine’s to everybody who have been so supportive and kind to me. I appreciate your comments, the conversations I have had with people, and getting to “know” so many wonderful and interesting people! I know Valentine’s day can be rough for a lot of people, and it has been […]

Do YOU think bipolar disorder is a gift?

  Sooooooo, my friends, I usually just post once a week, but I can’t help posting once more. I’ve gotten into a relatively new habit of checking out the Word Press Freshly Pressed selections. On Thursday I spotted this post in … Continue reading

DBSA Educational Webinars

Thank you DBSAlliance.org for naming me their Life Unlimited Story for January 2015. This post’s content is copied directly from DBSA Educational Webinars. DBSA webinars are online educational sessions featuring mental health experts that cover a wide range of topics from treatment…

A Valentine’s Day Post – I Know, a Little Freaky Coming From Me

I am not big on romance.  Lovey-dovey, schmoozy, baby talk - all lost on me.  Or, even worse, they irritate me.  I don't read romance novels and I don't generally watch chick flicks.  My friends have seen me roll my eyes and gag at book club when there's too much love story in the book we've chosen.  My husband has been rejected (sorry, honey) when he's gone that route, too.

But every once in a while I feel the need to join the love brigade.  (Actually, I try to be loving most of the time.  It's just not easily recognizable by the people around me.)

Today, my husband and I are going to share ten reasons we each love the other.

I'm not going to call mine a top ten, because I don't want to take the time to organize them that way and I might leave out something important.  It's just a list of ten; I could easily come up with many more.

Ten reasons I love my husband:
1.  He loves me.  Without fail.  No matter what, he loves me.  This matters more than I can say and is the one thing that keeps me going.
2.  He believes in me.  Enough that he helps me believe in myself when I'm not sure I do.
3.  He thinks I'm beautiful.  For real.  When he says, "I love your body," he means it.  And since I often don't love my body, that helps.  And when he looks at me like he's the luckiest man on the planet because he has me, I know he truly feels that way.
4.  He trusts me.  With other men.  With our money.  With our home.  With our kids.  With his heart.  Even with his dvds (usually). ;)
5.  He's willing to learn and grow.  He's taught me a lot about being humble.
6.  He doesn't mind making a fool of himself (which sometimes makes me crazy).  He's open to making mistakes.  I admire this in him, mostly because I have such a difficult time with it.
7.  He wants to be the man of my dreams.  He tries to be what I want.  He tries to talk to me the way I want.  He will change his clothes when I ask him to.
8.  But he also wants to remain true to who he is.  He will tell me when I've pushed too far.  He will stand his ground when necessary.
9.  He went to therapy to save our family and our marriage.  There is no way for me to express how vital this was and how much it means to me that he would go, participate, and know when he needs to go back for a tune up.
10.  He supports me.  He loves watching me succeed.  He wants me to soar.  He's willing to share me with the world.  He is happy for me to be me and never tries to change me.

See, wouldn't you love him, too?

And here's his list -

Top Ten Things Bill Loves About Robin:
1.  Your hair and the fact that you are not afraid to try new things with it.  (This will make more sense in another post, coming soon.)
2.  Your lack of jealousy of me having friends that are women.
3.  Your trust in me. 
4.  That you are always right but are not afraid to be wrong and can admit when you are.
5.  You love me - even though I'm a non-believer.  This should be number one.  It means a lot to me.
6.  Your love for people even when you don't agree with their choices.
7.  I love how well you have raised our kids.
8.  How you don't let pain stop you.
9.  Your humility and forgiveness.
10.  You stayed with me and helped me become a better person even though you had to crawl through the mud to get me there.

I love everything about you.

We're coming up on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary (watch for a special post that day, March 2).  We've gone through a lot to get here.  And I think we are closer and more in love than we've ever been.  We just fit.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I hope each and every one of you are able to enjoy Valentine’s Day today.  It’s hard for us to enjoy it in our house because it always marks the beginning of my dangerous period during the year.  I have a weird variant of seasonal affective disorder in that once the sun comes out, I tend to go into an episode of some kind.  Typically it’s depressive or mixed.  I’ll have some manic symptoms  (obsessions, etc) and some depressive symptoms (usually excessive sleepiness or suicidal thinking)  I’m typically on high alert until Mother’s Day, when the symptoms seem to abate.  I’ve spent Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Mother’s Day in the hospital at various times.

I’m sorry to put a damper on all the happiness going around.  I love my husband and I love my kids and I hate what the holiday has become in our house.  I can feel some depression coming on already, but all I can do is pray my way through it.  I’ve already had my medicine jiggered so much lately that I’m scared to try anything new for fear it will send me in the opposite direction where I was between Christmas and New Year’s.  It’s hard to believe that was almost two months ago.

Please pray for me as I start this time in this year.  It’s always dangerous–last year I had a depressive episode that began in March and ended in May but with two crucial differences:  I was not suicidal, and I managed to function my way through it.  Pray that if it falls on me again that I am able to push my way through it and come out the other side stronger than before.  Thanks.

The Hypo manic brain

The hamster on the wheel in my head has had spoonfuls of meth and is spinning round and round like a madman.
To put it more simply…Racing thoughts that accompany a hypo manic mind.

I have so many thoughts bouncing about I can’t sort them out. It paralyzes me. I can’t decide which thought I should bring to fruition. Do dishes? Fold laundry? Go clear the snow off the car? Do I write?Play Word Poker? Why are single people viewed as pathetic on Valentine’s Day? Would it be weird if I went and saw Fifty Shades of Grey by myself?

Round and round it goes. I can’t capture a thought long enough to carry through and some of them are just so much flotsam and jetsam anyway. I like being single, I don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s Day, and I can’t afford to go see a movie.
As for housework…Meh. I am going to attempt to do the dishes while watching this Jack the Ripper documentary. Charming material on a day committed to love. (Insert puking sound here).
Bloody hell, I hate when my brain goes manic but it’s not even a productive mania.
It’s like a ball bouncing off walls. Pointless. No sooner than the ball stops…It’s bouncing again.

But hey, at least I survived last night’s social outing. I went in like a deer frozen in headlights because it’s usually just R and his wife and me and then the two little kids. But instead of their usual parents night out, R’s daughter and her husband stuck around. I am ill at ease around them. I know it’s mostly me because aside from their trailer trash comments not aimed at me (guilt by association)…I get along fine with them.
Wine helped.
Then they got out Uno attack. Which I’d never played before so I didn’t recognize half the cards and they acted like I was drunk and stupid. I was honestly at a loss. I don’t do change, I don’t like being thrust into an activity unfamiliar to me with witnesses to my own ineptitude.

But suffice it to say…It was eventually fun once the anxiety died down and I was relaxing. I think I may have pissed R off by teasing him about this chick we’ve both known for years coming by the shop and tidying up and offering to run his errands…Mrs. R does not like the woman or want her around at all. It wasn’t my goal to start shit, even if I am a troll. I just found it weird that this woman is at the shop washing out his coffee cup and tidying the desk (MY kingdom, damn it.)Oh, well. I am wound tighter than an old time alarm clock but when I relax…I can be obnoxiously funny. After the last couple of weeks…I was due.

Now back to the evil hamster brain. It’s definitely a type of manic episode because not even a Xanax has slowed it down. Normal racing thoughts it will. Manic episode type stuff, it does fuck all.
I’d like to bitch about being on 250 mg Lamictal daily to stabilize my mood yet still being all over the map…
But then I remember just how bad the extremes used to be and I can learn to appreciate the rapid but brief cycles of cyclothymia. Okay, not appreciate, but accept as the lesser evil.

My kid is spending the night at her grandmother’s tonight so I will truly be alone on Valentine’s Day. Before anyone makes that sad “poor woman” look…
I think I am going to watch Vampires Suck, maybe do some reading or writing, make some tinfoil hats to wear. Hell, I might even get out the broom and attack those cobwebs up in the corners.
Alone is my bliss because I have so much trouble with how fast life moves and how hard it is to interact with others.
While I will have empty nest tonight…
There’s a good chance I may actually be able to sleep through the night without.
Funny how parenthood makes you giddy for what are otherwise normal things. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Though I didn’t see this coming. I got more sleep when she was an infant. She’s doing it wrong, waking up every three hours every night.

So yeah…Vampires Suck.
My bloody Valentine. ;)

20 Days of Valentines—Day 18 (and the end)

Lovers Voice

Happy Valentine’s Day.

May you hear only loving words today.

And may you find the voice to speak them, as well.

Happy Valentine’s Day to Me

If you’ve never tried Audibles, they give you a free 30 day trial period with the first purchase free.  So, I got Richard whispering Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 in my ear for free (something I would have paid good money for).  That almost makes up for seeing 50 Shades of Grey yesterday.  As they say, that which has been seen cannot be unseen, but I will drown it out with poetry.