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Posted in Read Along
We are gathered here today to deconstruct the black dog of depression.
I figured that the black dog of deep dark misery might need more complex personification, allowing itself to be made into a sort of good-and-bad totem/spirit animal/symbol/whatever for whoever is interested. Sirius is the one (that I can remember) that is discretely* good or evil depending on where you are. You could choose negative or positive, or both, or a whole pack, or the whole pack. Remember that it is entirely possible to perceive any of them as both good and evil. You could kill it, tame it, offer it your fealty, dye it blue, or anything you can think of.
Please pretty please either comment on this post, or if you feel like posting it on your own blog, link to this post so that it’ll pinggg my blog, because I’d really like to reblog your post here. And you’re very welcome to tell me I’m talking crap, I will be fascinated and not remotely offended. Or ignore me, I promise to cry quietly.
Alrighty! For the purposes of this exercise, ‘dog’ encompasses all canine, lupine etc beasts, because they are all related. Interestingly, Anubis was thought to be a jackal until recently, when sombody discovered that the only doglike entity in ancient Egypt was an African strain of grey wolf. Boo (as they say in the classics) ya! This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it did exhaust me, which I think is just as good. It’s also 02h00, I got up because my sleeping pill didn’t work and my eyeballs have been sandpapered by evil pixies. I am also interpreting the word ‘black’ rather loosely. Fenrir/Fenris, for example, is wolf coloured (grey/brown in Scandinavia), but usually portrayed as black in the fan art. And there was absolutely no way I was going to leave him out. I’m giving them each broadly defined attributes, so that some of them can be grouped together for ease of choice.
By the by, I would hate you to end up with ‘who let the dogs out’ as an earworm. *strolls away sniggering*
“Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs of war!” (Shakespeare)
Wolves were generally revered by tribes that survived by hunting, but were thought little of by those that survived through agriculture.
Positive
Sirius (The dog star) – rainmaker, fertility
Nunamiut, Naskapi – teacher of hunting skills
Tanaina – guides and brothers
Chechen – mother, creation, pride, equality, freedom, loyalty, bravery
Plains Indians: the wolf represented the west
Pawnee: it represented the southeast, corn, bison
Turkic –
Asena – creation, mother, guide, spiritual powers
Mongol – good luck, healing
Boerte chino – creation
Japan – protection, fertility grain farmers once Ainu – creation
Medeina – creation, hunting
Serbia – symbol of fearlessness
Negative
Anubis, Cerberus, Garmr – guardians of gates of the underworld
Grim – bad omen, guardian of the gates of the underworld
Sirius – bad news
Fenrir/Fenris – Ragnarök (end times), attack, terror
Warg (Lord of the Rings) – transport, attack, terror
Shucks – omen of death, terror
Barghest – ditto
Kludde – attack
El Kadeejo – attack
Gwyllgi – attack
Keelut – ditto
Mauthe Dhoog – ditto
Big Bad Wolf, – attack, terror
Aziwugum – attack
The Morrigan – battle, strife, sovereignty (shapeshifter)
Werewolf – shapeshifter, attack, terror
Hellhounds – soul taker
Oh, yes. The paranoia and anxiety are out in full force this morning.Which is weird because when I got up, I was okay. In spite of sleeping in my kid’s bed because she was having nightmares and the bedhog made sure I slept on half an inch of mattress and mostly wooden bedframe. Forget water boarding, you want to torture someone, let ‘em sleep with Spook. She just kept waking up so often, I thought it’d be easier to stay by her side to comfort her. Not so sure easier was worth splinters in my back and side. (Okay, slight exaggeration but it really was uncomfortable, made the protruding springs on my mattress seem comfy.)
Anyway…Shark week arrived. Damn it. It does however explain why I was miffed over every tiny thing last week. Perhaps I overshare, but the hormonal imbalances do play a role in making the bipolar issues worse so it’s relevant. It explains why I’ll go off on some tangent on Monday and yet forget why I even had a problem with it by Friday. It’s not so much being mercurial as it is just having all this imbalance going on within.
So I am uncomfortable, I did not sleep well, and the panxiety is kicking my ass. I just have this uneasy feeling, call it bad vibes, bad juju. I can’t explain it. After the snafu with my meds, I just keep thinking, oh what will I screw up next…Or what catastrophic thing can life throw at me next.
I am told it’s negativity.
The trepidation and anxiety are very real to me, so I don’t agree it’s mere attitude. You can spew sunshine and rainbows all you want, it doesn’t change a thing. You feel how you feel. Fighting it can prove beneficial or detrimental. I get to a point where if fighting it has just left me feeling like a failure beating my head against a wall…I’m done, I will embrace my misery and ride it out.
Geesh. One of the cats just jumped down with a thud and I jumped. Every tiny sound is setting me off in spite of the Xanax. I must admit, this has been a bizarre time for me, the anxiety going so off the charts that the Xanax barely makes a dent. Been a few years since it was this bad.
I just remind myself, I can do this, I have done it many times before. I’ve done it without Xanax, and insane with pregnancy hormones. I CAN do this.
Doesn’t make it any easier.
Riding the storm out. Much as I don’t like REO Speedwagon, that song seems to be fitting at the moment.
And because my TNOS (topic not otherwise specified) post seemed to get a positive response…I give you this link.
That is my random blog where I just spout off about anything and everything. It’s disjointed, it lacks segues, it’s…beautifully crazily random. Very me. And I don’t discuss my mental illness like it’s the center of the universe.
Sometimes we feel trapped in circumstances that seem beyond redemption—a soul-draining job, a troubled marriage, a difficult pregnancy, or an uncomfortable family situation. You wonder what you can do about your circumstances and fix whatever problems are bedeviling you.
Remember that God promises not to give his children more than they can bear—he gives us strength and grace to endure through any circumstance. However, that doesn’t mean we have to feel victimized by anyone in the situation we’re in—God, our demanding boss, or our impossible sister-in-law.
After I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under my life. I was externally successful, having a successful freelance career and having just completed a first novel, but my symptoms soon became overwhelming and I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I had to take medicine to regulate my moods and thoughts; I felt the stigma of being diagnosed with a mental illness; I wondered what I had done to bring this circumstance on myself.
But I didn’t stay in that place for long. I followed my doctor’s orders and felt a great deal more stable on medication. I bought every useful book I could find on bipolar disorder and devoured them, reading about this condition and absorbing all the information they contained about treatment and therapy. I talked to people about what I was going through. And I prayed for understanding and deliverance from the situation. Afterwards, I was still suffering from the same disease, but I was no longer the same person who had been diagnosed two months earlier. I had information, medical treatment, therapy options, and the power of prayer by my side.
Make the choice to live above your circumstances, working to change them daily as far as it is in your power to do so. If all you can do is pray, by all means do that and let God do his work in your life—which may change you far more than it changes the circumstance. No situation is ever beyond hope.
Posted in Read Along
I’ve been battling migraines and bipolar disorder for most of my life. Despite this, I’ve never truly considered myself “disabled”. I mean,I can still walk, still work, still participate in activities, still contribute. But when I stop to think about the impact both of these conditions have on my life, I realize they have, at least in part, disabled me. I have no social life to speak of any longer, mostly due to my anxiety and my chronic migraines. I keep having to cancel plans, and eventually, people stop asking you to do things. Also, I can no longer perform my job at the level I am accustomed to. I no longer run or exercise regularly due to the pain. I’m at a loss right now as to where to go.
Part of the problem stems from the fact that I have been treating my bipolar disorder the same way I treat my migraines: take a pill and hope it goes away. That doesn’t exactly work for a serious mental illness. There’s a lot more work that is needed to live successfully with bipolar. Regular therapy visits are crucial, as is self care. Self care meaning setting a routine for myself, trying to exercise or at least move, getting enough sleep, removing myself from stressful situations. Yes, taking medication helps, but so does taking time to talk to a friend, getting fresh air and recognizing how far I have come instead of bemoaning how far I have yet to go.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to take our mental health as seriously as our physical health. I am sure it has to do with stigma, with accessibility. For me, I am a health care worker, I am not the patient. I push myself to work through the pain, to fight the mental fog that seems to hover around me so much of late. I brush off all the symptoms I’ve been noticing, I ignore the signs that I’m slipping. Then it all blows up in my face. I am too hard on myself and I always have been. I do not know how to stop being like this.
I feel like I am right back at the beginning, that it’s the day I was told I have bipolar disorder all over again. And again, I realize it’s because you can’t treat a migraine and bipolar the same way. You cannot push through the pain of bipolar, you cannot escape it by taking a nap, you cannot get an IV medication or put an ice pack on your head. The bipolar will still be there. You have to accept it’s permanence and seriousness. I have not yet accepted either and that is where I am failing in my treatment. I bought into the stigma around mental illness, that it’s a character flaw, rather than the biological flaw that it is. I keep thinking it’s something I can get rid of, rather than actively living with it.
So I am telling myself this: You are sick, but it’s OK. It is not your fault. You are still worthy of love, worthy of respect. You still have much to contribute, to accomplish. You are strong and you are brave. Forgive yourself and find what makes you happy.
Filed under: Self Discovery, Wellness Warriors Tagged: bipolar disorder, chronic illness, migraine, pain, spoonie
Posted in Read Along
You know how I feel about rules.
Display the award on your blog. Will do.
Link back to the person who nominated you. Thanks Stephieopolis!
State 7 things about yourself. Alright.
Nominate 15 bloggers, link to them, and notify them about their nominations. Piss off bossy blog award. I nominate all my readers because they’re all awesome. Except I won’t nomimate anyone who doesn’t want to do it – you’re still awesome.
1. When I was a nipper, I won a medal for dancing the Highland Fling.
2. I am not Scottish.
3. I am in fact, of northern English and Irish descent (Galway).
4. My favourite European city is Prague.
5. I put my shirts on inside out frequently. Once I put a pair of jeans on inside out. Socks? Fahgeddaboutit. I am safe with hats and shoes.
6. My favourite way to wake is slowly, sitting on a step, looking at a good view. Well actually my favourite way is sex, but since I haven’t got any, the view will do.
7. I have eaten shark, croc, loads of different antelope, warthog, bushpig and zebra.
Posted in Read Along
More Calling of Light is up for those reading.
I came across this Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. As most of you know, this is definitely a blog dealing with mental health. As I am diagnosed bipolar II with psychotic features, my blog is filled with the ups and downs of mental health, but also the hope of living in recovery. I do hope that any of my writing will reduce stigma in some way.
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
For the life of me, I am still struggling with links. Hit my Pinterest button to the left to get on it.
Posted in Read Along