Daily Archives: February 3, 2015

You probably know how this feels – ‘you’ in this case being both human and intelligent and sensitive. That strange space you stumble into, when you’ve been spending too long in your head.

I have always, always spent too much time in my head. However, I’ve spent less time in it over the last year or so than ever before. I’m still astonished by it and how it feels. So that’s what switching off is like, eh? Whoa … freaky. Books, games, films, photography, embroidery – whatever tunes me out. I’m not gaming now though and in fact, I’m spending less time on my laptop than ever before. I have a clear view of an interesting sky from my stoep, so I spend time at any random time of the day or night, sitting gazing at it in wonder. And of course, the sea is close too.

And tonight the moon is gibbous, the sky is a deep and soft blue with some clouds clouding around. Tis bloody hot. Sweat hot, humid hot. I’m burning citronella incense to ward off the #$¥₩ing mozzies. Whiny little bitches.

This month is a fabulous one for astronomy worldwide – Comet Lovejoy is still visible and five planets will be visible to the naked eye.

Insight may be the single most important factor in determining how well a person with a mental illness does. Major mental illnesses, of course, come with delusions, thought disturbances, illusions, and the seeming inability to accept the very fact or total or partial denial that “I” have a mental illness. This can lead to bad things. Then “I” will not go to see a psychiatrist, “I” will not take my medication, because “I” do not think there is anything wrong with me. In the meantime the disease is getting more severe and more difficult to treat. Also as time passes, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia will cause neuronal cell death in brains and this will be worse in unmedicated brains.

So the important thing then is to help the mentally ill patient realize that they have an illness. Make them aware of the symptoms, for example in mania the symptoms are:

• Euphoria
• Inflated self-esteem
• Poor judgment
• Rapid speech
• Racing thoughts
• Aggressive behavior
• Agitation or irritation
• Increased physical activity
• Risky behavior
• Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
• Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
• Increased sex drive
• Decreased need for sleep
• Easily distracted
• Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
• Frequent absences from work or school
• Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
• Poor performance at work or school

These (except for the break from reality or psychosis) may seem like normal human behaviors, but when many of them are present at the same time and with a high intensity, then it may be fair to assume that this is an illness and not just normal behavior. If untreated, people will bipolar 1 will go into a psychosis, meaning have delusions and be out of touch with reality. Which is the most dangerous part of the disease. And psychosis happens at the extreme end of mania as well as at the extreme end of depression. Both very bad places to be. In mania you may think you are super man and you can fly and literally try to do so, causing yourself harm. In depression you may think other bizarre, unreal thoughts, such as you are a “dark lord” with powers, who knows, at this point in someone’s illness, they can think anything and may do some very strange things, that can result in self injury or injury to others.

So, as I said, insight, which is the ability to judge who you really are, and when in one of these episodes, realize that that is not you, it is your illness which has taken over your brain and is now making the decisions of how you act.

I think I was “lucky” in a way because I didn’t manifest bipolar 1 till I was 25 years old. So when the illness took over me and my life, at some point I knew it wasn’t me and called the doctor. Even when I had reached the psychosis stage, in between periods of being out of touch with reality, when I would come back to myself, I realized I needed to be in the hospital and even though it was done with a lot of drama and emotion, I did have my self hospitalized. And I strongly believe that because of my insight, I have only been hospitalized twice in the last 29 years. Most of the time, I and my doctor, we have caught the disease early enough so that it was treatable by increasing the doses of the meds I was on, or temporarily adding another medicine. My champion of course if Lithium Carbonate extended release (ER.) Since last March, I have been on 900 mg of Lithium and have experienced no major mood disturbance. Most notable is the absence of the yearly foray into mania around the end of the year.

I have had minor mood fluctuations, mostly towards the depressive side, but thankfully nothing too extreme. Also these may be happening because I am totally off Zoloft, a selective Serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI,) and I have been on it since 1991, when it first came out. So, having been on it for so long, there are changes in the brain that happen, and these changes (changes such as Serotonin receptor down regulation and Serotonin synaptic vesicle up regulation, both of these result in less Serotonin reaching the Serotonergic neurons) make Serotonin less available to the neurons. And since Serotonin is needed for normal mood, not having enough of it would cause depressive episodes. These changes take about 6 months to a year to reverse themselves. This is what makes it so difficult to come off of SSRI’s. And this is the problem specifically for SSRI’s :-( But I’ve done difficult things before and coming off Zoloft successfully is just going to get added to that list of difficult things.

But, back to insight, if we can somehow cultivate insight, or perhaps find someone whose judgement we trust and listen to them when they say “Uh oh it’s happening again,” meaning the disease is acting up again, then I seriously believe we’ll have a fair chance of beating this illness.

So lets all keep a check on our moods and actions and feelings and take action when it seems like they are running rampant upon out lives. Insight can and will help us keep our illnesses from destroying our lives.

Well, my homeschool class may already have filled up!  I didn’t hear anything for a month and now I’ve gotten four requests for information.  Because of the facility I use, I can only take four students, and that’s how many requests I’ve gotten.  We will see how many follow through.

The class lasts eight weeks but it’s only for two hours a day on Friday mornings.  We cover creative nonfiction, fiction, poetry, and drama.  The kids do assignments and end with submitting a portfolio of work for a major grade.  IT’s a lot of fun to teach and to grade their work–the kids are usually motivated and very involved.  I had one slacker last semester who didn’t do his assignments and then failed it.  So that wasn’t thrilling  But otherwise it was a very rewarding experience and one I’d like to repeat.

Today’s my first day without any painkillers after my surgery.  I’m feeling pretty good right now and the bleeding has gotten very light.  So I’ve started lifting and doing laundry again :).  Back to work.  God is good to have let me recover so well.  Thanks you all for your prayers.

What a strange journey is this life…. I find myself at a strange crossroads. The past year has not been an easy journey. It has been filled with doubt, fear, loathing, and such a sad sorrow. Even describing it like … Continue reading →

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