It seems that the urge to get my thoughts out has once again hit me. I wonder if that’s because for the first time in 2 months I don’t currently have any physical health issues going on. It’s so hard to stay balanced when you are sick or in pain. I am so grateful that I finally seem to have gotten over the hump and I am more free to use my thoughts for good.
I have found myself thinking that life is easy….I know that’s not true. And there are so many things that hurt my heart. But for the first time probably ever have have faith and the knowledge that every day when I wake up I can, will, and DO have control over my thoughts. I know that sometimes it is difficult to put all the pieces together. I know that there are people that have totally different life situations than what I have. But on a very personal level, I am grateful that life has gotten easier. That I am content, truly content without having a nagging fear that something negative is about to happen. I have faith in the people around me in a way that I haven’t had in years. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what the feeling is, but I know that something is different.
I have talked about the fact that I don’t have a lot of REAL reasons why Bipolar has been a part of my life. My childhood was amazing by almost al accounts, including mine. For the first time in my life all those things my Mom tried to teach me and get me to understand are things that I have the ability to have control over. I am starting to understand more of what closer to “normal” means. I know that people like to say “what is normal realy?” And that is true, but let’s get real there are something that are normal and there are somethings that are not. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with any given person it just means that they often have to walk through life a little differently. Let’s get real you can’t grow up with abusive drug addicted parents and expect to have “normal” and healthy reactions to the world without a little help. Here’s an example, I can’t even fathom a world where my parents would have beaten me, I assume people don’t do that that are good parents. When someone tells me about abuse I have a hard time understanding it. There are many people however that violence was so much a part of their childhood that violence is a first response or action, not a last resort.
I don’t think that is bad or wrong, i just think that person needs to learn and be shown new ways of coping and dealing with things. For some people that may be a pretty simple task, for others it may take years and lots of time to start to change patterns. For me, the change has been so much easier having meds that help out. I can so clearly see how my thinking was messed up, and how my emotional reactions were disproportionate in certain situations. I was able to be annoyed or irritated without being very emotional or very mad. I can see that now the things that bother me don’t run my life. I can move on and move forward without hanging onto things.
I wonder how many people struggle everyday with this for different reasons. I wonder how many people, like me, are so close to “normal” that they can’t even see how much they struggle. My Mom said the greatest things after my diagnosis. She said she was sorry that I am having to deal with this. But that she was always wanted me to struggle less and be happy more.What a gift for someone to give! Much less to be coming from family. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, but I do struggle. It’s fact and apparently it’s been fact most of my life. There no reason anyone should feel less than because of a mental illness.
While I haven’t been blogging much I have been loud and vocal about my situation. I am no longer scared and I’m not afraid to shout it from the roof tops, although mostly I just share with friends and family. But you know what?? I like to ask questions, I like to know things. And I just wonder how many people would start to feel better if they learned how to share. Of course there are always going to react and behave badly, but so many good people are out there. I work with some people that laugh with me when I have bad days, that know that I am not defined by what I have but who I am. Everybody deserves to have someone in their corner rooting for and helping them. I thought that’s what families were for. That’s what my family does. It mind boggles me that as I get older there are more and more people that seem to have never had someone in their lives that advocate for them. That love them and that only want the best for them. I have tried to be this person, when I can. I can’t do it all the time and sometimes I have to decide to put myself first. But it makes me sad. I am determined to do the best I can to stay healthy so that I can be a voice for the weak.
My last insight is this. I spent a lot of time wondering why me. Especially in the context of my family. Why I am the one that has to deal with this? Isn’t me being loud and different in other ways enough for pities sake? But it hit me one day that I haven’t been punished. Doesn’t God tell us that He can take the most ugly thing and make it beautiful? I don’t know what His plan is for me, but I know this. I have a compassion and empathy that I may never have had had I not had bipolar disorder. And I KNOW that my life led me to this place for Him to show me what I was missing. I almost lost my marriage and everything I love and that brings me joy because of this disease. But God delivered me. He sent me a husband that believes in second and third and fourth chances. That loves me and wants nothing more than to be with and happy with me. What a seriously major thing to have been so close to losing!! God not only saved my marriage, I have no doubt that He saved me because there’s a good chance the spiral I was headed towards would have meant major destruction. God took the thing in my life that has meant the most pain, confusion, and brokenness and turned it into something that I can use to help show and teach people about Him.
I am blessed! I am saved! I am His and no one and nothing can take that away!!
God bless you and have an amazing day!