Daily Archives: January 12, 2015

My Bipolar Story

This is my story. My kind of crazy. I cried a lot as a child. I had a very good reason to, although only one other person knew why at the time. Actually, my childhood memories are so hazy, I barely remember anything at all – at least not in any continuous flow. Memories appear like cartoon bubble blips, randomly… Read more →

You’ve Got This!

do no confuse

I see grey skies outside

I feel grey within

Why, why, what happened all of a sudden. All the wind’s been taken out of my sails, from under my wings. I don’t know how to be strong again… How, when you are feeling your weakest, do you find the strength inside you to rise up from falling down again? Yet again… taking my medication, seeing my doctor regularly, have a loving family, have great friends, love to exercise, write on my blog, love to take pictures… what more can I do?

Stop. Don’t go there. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just get up. Pretend everything will be fine and yes, it will be fine! Use your depression fighting muscles, the special ones people with bipolar d/o have. Do some bench presses with those, some squats and lunges. As my cousin said: Kick bipolar’s butt! You’ve done it before. You’ve used them before, many times, these muscles. They are in shape. Use them again. Just go through the motions and the strength and meaning will come back. It always does! You’ve got this!

You’re Just Like Me: DeadJosh

So, you have a Mental Illness?…Which One? Not yet officially diagnosed, but PTSD When you were diagnosed, what age where you? Where were you in your life? I’m 40 years old, married with no children, unemployed and struggling. How do you cope/relax from your mental illness? Still learning but currently I do a lot of …

Gramma’s Episode


About every month or so, my mom and I make the two-hour trek from Peterborough to Barrie to visit my Gramma. Gramma lives in a long-term care facility, but we call it a retirement residence. Gramma is 95. She’s physically fit for someone of her age and has the sharpest wit she’s always had. She has two issues: her memory (from Alzheimer’s) and what they call her “episodes.” Her episodes consist of her passing out and losing all control. This lasts for a couple of minutes and then she comes to not knowing that anything had just happened – the memory part.

She’s been lucky in that most of the times that she’s passed out she’s been seated and therefore just slumps down onto the floor. But one time in particular she took quite a fall and was bruised and banged up pretty bad. Several doctors and nurses have examined her and no one can seem to explain why she has these episodes. We usually learn of them by a phone call from the facility telling us what had happened and informing us that she is now resting comfortably. Though disturbing, somehow these calls didn’t really make an impact. Until our visit before Christmas.

Things were going along as usual. We were kibitzing back and forth when I noticed her start to become confused. She couldn’t finish her sentences and seemed a little weak. Then she said she didn’t feel well. Before we knew it she had passed out while sitting on her walker. My aunt was there as well. All three of us held her up. I was literally holding her head in my hands. I remember taking her glasses off because they were digging into the side of her beautiful face. Not as quickly as we’d have liked, the nursing staff arrived with her wheel chair and we transported her back to her room where they got her into bed to await the doctor. The long and short of it was that she had had another episode and there was nothing they could do for her other than to make her comfortable. They did give her a shot of gravol to settle her stomach.

Once the doctor had left and we were confident she was okay, we left. We left her there to sleep and eventually recover. I don’t know who recovered faster, her or me. It was very upsetting to have her collapse into our arms and be unresponsive. Feeling the need to be strong and helpful, I fought back tears and did what I could. Upon leaving I became very introverted and quiet. Later that day we went back to see Gramma to ease our minds. We found her sitting having dinner and doing quite well. That was reassuring. Afterwards all I wanted to do was go home. But I couldn’t. It was night time and we were two hours from home. We would spend the night and go home in the morning.

I couldn’t get home fast enough. I just needed to be in my safe place. It took me three days to recover. I was exhausted, depressed and had trouble sleeping. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown the following morning. Her episode was quite the ordeal to experience. I guess I don’t bounce back quite as well as Gramma does.

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Lost It…..

It’s happening again. I lost it.My meds got changed and I have lost my sense of memory and focus. A bipolar friend of mine is spell-checking and editing this so it makes good sense.

I love being in this in-between world. I load up the slow cooker for dinner, but forget some ingredients and to turn it on.lostI decide to listen to my audiobook by John Grisham and that is a mess. I try to do my devotionals and just can’t stick with it.

I don’t dare drive. So I am a little homebound unless my husband takes me. Which is fine. I like the couch okay. I have a dog snoring here as we speak. I am sorry that every sentence in this post starts with “I”.

Church didn’t happen yesterday. I stayed home and watched two football games of teams I didn’t even care about. Today is my women’s support group. No way. And I was going to see the young girl I mentor (she has bipolar.) Tomorrow I know I talk to my therapist. I can call in if I can’t go.

Tonight is a football game my husband says. Ohio vs. Oregon. I was born in Ohio, so I guess I should root for the Buckeyes. I like football, but only our local team. And they are now out of the playoffs.

I think this is about all I can write right now. I have so much I wanted to do on here. I want(ed) to finish my Blogging 101 University. I am learning a ton on there. I want to finish up the last part of Uncle Matt. I wanted to brag a little on my recovery. And maybe get into my Mom. Along with all the other good stuff that comes up along the way.

be back soon,


Mental Defrag

After three weeks of having my kid glued to me or being at the shop…I get a day to defrag my mind and get my operating system and disk space cleaned up.
Much needed.
And I have been super productive, not just lazing. Sweeping, mopping, folded laundry (seven baskets, how can anyone so poor have so many fucking clothes!!!), even cleaned the bathroom and swept down some corner cobwebs.
I know, right? Am I sick?

Just taxed out mostly. Three weeks of holidays and people and stress and anxiety. Hell, even going out and “having fun” kicked my ass.
For an introvert, especially someone with anxiety, having people around constantly is hard on the nerves.
When I say my kid is glued to me 24-7, I am not being dramatic at all. Even when I am sitting, she is stuck by my elbow. I can’t take two steps without tripping over her.
She climbs in my bed at night.
I literally get no space unless I sneak a shower during the two hours at night she will stay asleep. Even in my bed, she wakes up two three times a night. “I wanna watch tv.” “I want your warmth.” “I want snuggle buggle.” “Let’s play the puke game.” (don’t ask.) “Rub my belly and sing warm kitty. “Rub my back.” “Give me a tushy rub.” (again, don’t ask.)
I love my daughter, god how i love her, but she is a helicopter child, on me like static cling. And it takes a toll when what you need most is breathing room. I’m not talking in another room, silent and ignored. I just want to be able to move an inch without thinking first lest I elbow her or step on her toe.
I have had the calm conversation trying to explain personal space. Over and over. She doesn’t get it.
I give her leeway, because yeah, one parent literally abandoned her, it makes sense she might fear the other one will.
But at which point am I being empathetic and at which point am I enabling her to crowd me?

Couldn’t sleep last night. I was literally so excited about having a day to myself to regroup, I could not get to sleep. Then when I did, she woke up and climbed in my bed, making demands like an emotional terrorist. (Oops, there I go into some Homeland security database for keywords and watch lists.)
I can’t handle sleeping pills. Just can’t take them, even Melatonin. So I suffer or I buy a mangorita. (whiskey, vodka, cake vodka,hard lemonade- as long as it tastes good and calms the cyclone brain down.) But I’ve been good the last two nights. I overdid it Friday night but I figured I was due. Though I paid more for the mexican food than I did the booze.

Today I feel decent. Mood is level, anxiety is manageable. I really needed this “me time” even if it makes me feel selfish and like a crappy mom.
The counselor tried to instill in me that even moms are entitled to some alone time without needing to feel guilty.
I still do, a little.
But I realized yesterday…I’m a good mom. Not great. But good. My worst sins as a parent are being impatient and too lenient. I have a happy healthy kid who adores me. Leave mom of the year awards to those who give a damn about popularity.

It still baffles me how a night out drained me so thoroughly.Am I allergic to having a good time? What is wrong with me?
But it’s always been that way.
Call it an introvert thing, I suppose.
I am happiest at home doing my own thing and it’s always been that way, too.
I seek out company when it suits me. Most of the time, it’s just not necessary.
Does that make me sound bitchy?


Today’s been a win thus far.
Then again, I thought that Friday until everything went to hell in a handbasket.
One hour at a time.

Defrag complete.

Odd how the human brain really is a lot like a computer.

Reconciling the Past and Staying in the Present

Originally posted on Shedding Light on Mental Illness:
Reconciling the Past Many spiritual teachers typical focus a great deal on “staying in the present moment.” For those who don’t live with bipolar disorder it’s still a great challenge not to…

Money is the ROOT of my illness. What’s new?

Money is the root of all evil. Money makes me feel shitty and inexperienced. It doesn’t help my mental illness either.. for example.. Today I had a new appointment with a therapist and I had to cancel and get it rescheduled for next month because my husband’s bank account got into the negative and we …

Guest Post: Interview with Author Michelle May Krack

delmichelleMichelle May Krack is the author of “Michelle May Crack” 

She also has a Facebook page and Twitter account.

1. How long has it been since your diagnosis?
25 years ago, age 31, I was married 12 years and my children at the time were 11, 9, 7, 2.

2. What led you to advocate for mental health?
Because I want to help fight the amount of stigma involved with mental illnesses. My experiences as a mental health patient made me realize there needed to be more support for myself and others with mental illness.

3. How do you advocate for mental health awareness?
I am a peer recovery advocate at the PEACE Zone peer-run recovery center helping others in the community with mental illness. It’s a safe haven to offer support for hope and recovery.

4. What mental health organizations are you involved with that support advocacy?

NAMI, as a presenter for its Family to Family Program, and I was recently awarded the Mental Health America of Indiana 2014 Consumer Advocate Award.

5. Who do you advocate personally in day-to-day life?

I share my story of hope and recovery at local hospitals with the PEACE Zone outreach program. I have written a book, “Michelle May Crack”, a story that shares advocacy along with life struggles with mental illness and offers hope for recovery. 


Does Depression Count As Leave From Mixed-Episode World?

I know I haven’t been a good little blogger and posted at least one thing everyday. However, Bipolar depression has come up behind me and bitten me on the butt. I can tell this is mainly a function of the illness because I really haven’t got a whole lot to be depressed about. The Holiday […]