Here it is a few hours from Christmas and you might think “What the heck is she doing writing a blog entry?” But I just felt like it. I think of you guys a lot and try to see my world through yours. So before the chaos of tomorrow leaps into focus, I wanted to share what I’ve been up to.
This morning, Christmas Eve, I woke and felt like giving up. I had set a goal of making chili and cornbread for our Christmas Eve supper, so I needed to get it going. I told my husband I needed some moral support. He went with me down in the kitchen and hung around while I cooked. I got it done.
We were picking up some pies from a local restaurant for Christmas dinner so we decided we may as well have lunch there. We invited my bipolar friend to join us. Two of the kids went along. Of course, this meant a shower for me. And it was cold. Not the water, but the bathroom. We live in a very hot climate and for some reason our bed and bath is always cold. In the summer this is an incredible blessing, but in the winter it’s a freeze-a-thon. So I hopped in and out as fast as I could. I put on a little make up and actually looked pretty decent.
Then the bad part started. We went to see my mom. She is in hospice and has dementia and is generally a pain in the ass. (She’s a whole other entry.) I plop down by her in her bed and hand her her Christmas presents. She says “thanks” and then proceeds to ask my husband where I am.
My mom’s been in hospice two years. She has lung cancer, but shows no signs of decline. The only thing that gets her is pneumonia. When she catches that, things look pretty grim. But she always bounces back. I know I will go to hell for saying this, but she has outstayed her welcome.
So we do a couple more errands and get back to the house. I take my two Klonopin as prescribed at noon. I, of course, get zonked out and fall asleep. So I woke briefly and told everyone to eat without me and I would make it up for church.
So I sleep for a couple of hours and get up for church. I love my church. It is little…only about 150-200 members. And it is a beautiful building. Inside the sanctuary tonight were twinkling wreaths, poinsettia wreaths, plenty of poinsettia plants, a huge gold tree, lit greenery along the rails, and a gorgeous large advent wreath. Coming into the church, they had the luminarias all set up. It was pretty special. And I had my “three little atheists” along.
My kids were raised in the church but it wasn’t forced down their throats. But as they got into high school, it was a big battle to get them to go. Then I dropped out for years because of my bipolar. So my kids all decided they were all kinds of various religions…anything but Christians. But I do get them to church twice a year: Christmas Eve and Easter. They were pretty cute sitting in the pews. Singing along with the familiar Christmas hymns. Reading the prayers. Taking communion! And lighting the candles at the end while we all sang “Silent Night”. My youngest made a few faces, but he did a good job. He played with his candle just like a toddler even though he is twenty years old.
Well, we made it home from church after stopping at a neighborhood close by to see some ridiculous light displays. (I’m not a big light display person. I don’t like inflatable stuff.) I put the chili away. We got the presents out from the guest room closet where they had all been hidden and put them around the tree. It looks nice.
Okay, so here is a weird thing. My husband collects rocks as sort of a light hobby. So I get a text from a friend saying “Does your husband have any extra amethysts?” It turned out she needs one for her grandson as a present. Mind you, this is Christmas Eve. So she is coming over tomorrow to pick it up. Strange, huh?
I’m planning on sleeping in tomorrow. Then just sitting in my pajamas while everyone opens gifts. This will include lots of coffee. After the clean up (and the amethyst pick up) I’ll start setting the table. All I am doing is heating ham and peas. And maybe rolls. The rest is store bought or being brought. I’ve done my duty this year as cook.
I’ve got a couple more entries in mind coming up. One is on my brother who just got out of prison. That could be a ten parter, but I’ll get it down to one. I also want to do something where I sum up my year and talk about goals for next year. I just HAVE to get off of the couch and live more in recovery this year.
I hope you enjoy my little picture of the nativity up above. If you are a believer, it is quite a story. There’s no way I would have quietly given birth in a manger. I would have been screaming for my epidural.
I know Christmas is lonely for some of you because you are alone and for others because you are not understood. I hope the time passes in a peaceful way and you can get back to a good life and if you are struggling, to a life in a stage of recovery.