Daily Archives: December 23, 2014

If I’m not busy, asleep, talking to someone etc, my brain is still behaving like a whirling dervish at the moment. And so I’m spending what is probably a stupid amount of time round here, but like I said before, while I write, I don’t feel. And the thinking is calmer too. It’s a good way to feel a little less lonely

So.

Here I am again.

Very worried about my neighbour, I just spoke to her daughter and it doesn’t sound good. Daughter is a bit of a panic merchant and so I really, really hope this is one of those times. Please.

*blows nose on blog*

The sunset was salmon pink this evening. A cloudy grey sky now – dusk. That’s the first word of an R.E.M. song, the title of a the The album.

Dusk is dawn is day / Where did it go? (Low – R.E.M.)

Ugh. Fuck. Wtf. Argh. That’s what the depths of my mind look like. Deeper, it’s just sad and sore. The surface is choppy, agitated. I’m like … the opposite of mindfulness. Actually let me invent, trademark and market mindlessness therapy quick. It’ll be the new scientology, I’ll just get everyone to pop their brains and wallets in the collection box. Job done.

The sky is deeper grey, birds … uh … I used to write about those things, sitting on my stoep at sunset most days. It felt like mediation. Shit happened and I can’t seem to get back into it. Much too mindful, I guess. It’ll improve again.

The mozzie spray smells like citronella. It’s got to that muggy time of the year, when coils and candles are not enough. The time for natural methods is over. It’s napalm day. Why, why, why do the fuckers have to whine? I’m all – well help yourselves to my blood, ladies, just please STFU. But nope. No deal. If anyone knows their motive, tell me. Google hasn’t helped. IDGAF about the ridged proboscis.

A navy sky now, too cloudy for stars, or even the moon. Speaking of moons, there is one called Miranda, which for a while was thought to have shattered and reformed, because of its appearance. I suppose I read about it (I’m sorry but I’d feel very daft saying her) a decade or so ago and found it all utterly romantic and compelling (broken and repaired). You have to forget that it’s a moon of Uranus, to maintain the romance though. Just thay phrase – moon of Uranus. It gets called the Frankenstein moon too.

Both hands and wrists hurt quite a lot; I clench them defensively in my sleep on those nights that also bring sweet smelling night sweats.

Ain’t that accurate. Right now i am very much on the sad side of manico-melancolicus. So thrilled and excited to find out what’s next.

I’m shutting up now. Probably not for long, I fight off sleep again these daze. Why can’t I get one of those evil old school shrinks who prescribe to transform their patients into zombies …

I did a Trekkie meme illustration of bipolarity, so it’s only fair I do a Star Wars one, innit? But first, a friendly PSA:

Down boy.
Manic, depressed, mixed … tendency to try to flee it and live in a bottle of whiskey instead. That masks bipolar symptoms and makes it harder to diagnose.

HypoHanic: grandiosity. Hypomania and mania can feel like E sometimes and coke at others. If you don’t know what that means, you’re lovely and I’m impressed.

Hypersexuality: must … fornicate … nao!

Use this on your light saber.

Darthordered Thought:

Sadtrooper:

Mixed Episode: (we know those feels, Chewy). Might also include pressured speech.

More mixed stuff: agitated depression.

Sometimes we learn to hide our emotions pretty well.

Bipolar runs in families:

It’s progressive; left untreated, it’s gets even worse. Remission is possible, and a ‘normal’ life, if that’s your sort of flavour.

Or not …

Ash is bipolar (type 1 … it almost always is, isn’t it, in books?*), a gay man whose dreams turned to issues. He’s also posh. Darian (the luuurve interest) is sprayed orange, from, yes you guessed it, Essex. He’s a model (you know what I mean and he does his li…er, oops) and all of his dialogue is rendered with all due rhotacism** and so on. Awight? It would have been fun if the author had got phonetic with the posh accent too. Bipolar and British class issues put chips on our heroes’ shoulders and provide the dramatic conflict, such as it is.

Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t forget to take your medication, don’t break your routine. Nobody had ever explicitly said, “Don’t have casual sex with strange men in unfamiliar cities,” but it was probably covered in the “Don’t have any fun ever” clause.

The book is a well written, socially responsible and politically correct (without being overt or irritating), fluffy, fast and feelgood bit of heavy breathing and romance. (Avoid it if your a ‘phobe, there’s a lot of sex.) This blog being about as bipolar as they get (and queer with it), I shall now proceed to offer you some delightful and maybe even moving spoiler-free quotes. They’re in sequence, but all occurred relatively far apart.

Once upon a time, I too dreamed different dreams. My horizon was bolder and grander and more beautiful than the threshold of my own fucking flat. And now I lived in a world so narrow and so colourless that getting out of bed in the morning was a victory. That not actively wanting to die was happiness.

“I’m a terrible risk to take with your happiness.”

Heeeeeerere’s Darian! The other quotes are all Ash.

“Also, right, if you fink abaht it, it’s stupid to ’ave medication what’s supposed to be for stopping people being depressed what also makes ’em fat. Cos that’d be well depressing.”

I scraped out a mirthless laugh. “I don’t know where he is and this isn’t a fucking romcom. I’m not going to catch up with him just as he’s getting onto a plane, kiss him in front of a crowd of applauding strangers, and live happily ever after. Besides, what am I going to say to him? I’m just a manic depressive standing in front of a moron, asking him to love me?”

Um. There’s a cottage pie recipe in the appendices. It’ll make (some) sense when you read it.

*you get more sensationalist bang for your proverbial buck out of type 1 than 2, simply because extreme mania and psychosis happen in bipolar 1 on the whole. Depression isn’t fashionable in the media this year. *rolls eyes at society*
**rhotacism is my new word for today.

*No shrinks were dumped in the making of this blog post.

A Confluence, by Bani Amor, is about mania, a sudden whim to head for Montreal, queerness … a very nice read indeed.

Basing their research on Greek and Roman texts, Islamic scholars, including Ibnu Sina, had continued the research and identified and classified several mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety, schizophrenia and a host of other disorders. – letter by a bipolar man in Malaysia about the process of getting aid.

Not laid, aid! You perverts.

Bipolar superheroes: Mimic, Giant-Man & Genii (Marvel)

Some crap from cracked.com
Practically every hero has had to suffer from or is enduring some kind of mental illness, dealing in the field of super heroing.
Bipolar disorder: reacting in varying ways towards people regarding your mental state
(Every hero that puts on a mask and has fallen into their masked persona, pulling away from reality and not cleaning up after their super pets. They have laws, you know)

Huh?

Stuff I haven’t watched/read yet:
The Superhero Bipolar Squad (part 1 of ?).
The Tick (90s cartoon).
Polarity: a bipolar story. (Comic.)

This image is from there.

Next! Something positive! Yay!

“I really think that my bipolar diagnosis was one of the best things that could have happened to me,” she said. “It put so much of what I had struggled with in my life up to that point in perspective. It put me in a position of power to understand and control my mental illness, instead of it controlling me.”
Nancy Remley, Comedian

(I’m guessing bipolar ii.)

Old school website, cool content: a complete history of bipolar disorder. Best breakdown (lol) I’ve read thus far.

Bipolar memes are frequently offensive, not these:
fuck yeah bipolar owl – bipolar owl memes and Q&A about bipolar. You can ask anonymous questions there too. make your own here
fuck yeah bipolar bear – another bipolar meme by a bipolar person.
soft bipolar bear meme generator
I made the grumpy cat on on a meme generator. You should make some too. Yes, you.

Stop me, before I blog again.