I’ve crashed. Not dramatically or train smashingly, but I’m now solemn and sombre. As with recent (manic and mixed) posts, I’m not going to limit or push myself. I want to name the state I’m in and then at some point, look back and see what sort of a picture of it all I get. I took 7.5mg zopivane last night, a half at a time. The first half was useless, heh. So, as they say, there’s that. And Christmas, new year, grief, bipolar and waiting for meds to titrate their merry(goround) way to wherever they’re going. No point looking further than that.
For a long time, I used to try to shrinkthink my way through sadness and despair. Why am I feeling this way, which bit of my childhood is the root? I could always find reasons and plenty of them, but it never shifted the depression. As Stephen Fry said, “like the weather, it just is.” Nowadays I try to navigate it by sticking to routines, walking the dogs etc. The worse I feel, the worse I am at all my good habits, but even the attempt probably helps somehow. At least until I get to I – hate – myself – and – I – want – to – die levels. Right now I’m only at I – want – to – sleep.
Okay. It’s okay.