Daily Archives: December 18, 2014

The Anger Inside Me

I am angry.  Let me say that again, I AM ANGRY.  It repeats over and over again in my brain until it consumes me.  This is the type of anger that is so fierce, it’s almost as if you can see it.  You can certainly feel it.  Carrying it around as I do every single day, it now seems like a part of me.  Like another limb.  I could sit around for days and list what I have to be angry about. 

I don’t intend on doing that.  At least, at this point and time I don’t. 

I have a struggle going on inside of my brain nearly 24 hours a day.  The part of me that is desperately trying to find sense in all of these emotions keeps attempting to tell the other part of me to stop thinking about it.  You have this or that to be grateful for.  The anger has just grown too strong.  For every positive, there are 10 negatives and the common sense is beaten down until it can’t fight anymore. 

I’ve tried to reach out, to give my feelings words, to explain myself.  This isn’t helping.  It’s not even scratching the surface.  The worst part is, for a brief moment I can tell myself, this isn’t the time of year for this.  Try to find some joy in the season.  You know what that does for me?  Makes me positively irate. For the reasons I feel this way and the people who have brought me down to their level.

I’m not a stupid person.  I understand that if you wake up every single day feeling overwhelmed with anger, you are not going to be able to make your life or anyone else’s life the least bit pleasant.  That is the dilemma I face.  I’ve been mad before, furious even.  This is so different. There is a physical pain on the inside of me that just makes me want to scream as loud as I can until it’s finally gone. 

I don’t have a therapist.  This blog is my therapist.  Even if I did see a therapist, I doubt I would receive much relief at this point.  I am too stuck in the “Yeah….but…..” stage of it all.  If you come atme with a response, no matter how logical, I am going to yeah but you to death until you give up from sheer exhaustion. 
The feelings I have now make me understand revenge.  That need that builds up inside of you.  You can’t stop thinking about the desired target, or what you’ll do once you finally stand face to face with it.  My problem is, I am pretty well convinced that my target is my life.  I could backtrack and pinpoint certain people in my life. Exacting revenge against them would surely be sweet, but that is just not the kind of person I am.  All I am saying is that I get it. I understand the desire. 

With no answers in sight and the number of questions growing by the day, I know I have to find a way out of this.  My usual “coping skills”, which are not really coping skills at all, are no longer an option for me.  As I pat myself on the back for finding the courage to not turn to the darkest place I know, I find myself once again back where I started.  If it wasn’t for this, that or the other thing, I wouldn’t even have those thoughts. 

Of all the cycles I have seen in my life, this is by far the most viciousI know that I have got to find a way to stop it.  Each time I write, I try to find a silver lining of sorts.  If not that, I attempt to come to a conclusion that could possibly help me.  This is all that I have to offer: I am aware that this anger is eating away at me, at my life, at my happiness.  I will strive to do whatever I can to simply let it go.  However painful the process will be, I know that I can make it through it. 

I would take a moment now to wish you all a happy holiday season, but I know that it won’t sound sincere.  Not in my current state of mind.  Know that while I may not be filled with joy and good tidings, I do appreciate each and every one of you that has taken the time to read even one of my posts this year.  I hope you will continue to read them, but even if you don’t return again, know that I thank you.  You are what keeps me going. 

Words of Wisdom!





mental illness

The Results

The process can take a while, depending on how quickly the agency can collect your medical records.  Call all your medical providers and alert them to the fact that Social Security will be requesting your records.  Always fill out forms promptly and send them back so that you can get a decision as quickly as possible.  Go to all appointments that are scheduled for you and be as honest as possible about your condition.

If you do not have insurance and cannot work full-time, filing for benefits can be a big help in both realms of needing treatment and income.  If you are found eligible for Social Security benefits, within two years if the condition persists, you can become eligible for Medicare, which will pay most of your hospital and doctor bills.  If you meet the income threshold for Supplemental Security Income, you can be immediately eligible for Medicaid, which will also cover prescriptions for your condition as well as medical bills.  Be persistent in pursuing your claim and as honest and open about your problems as possible so that you can be found eligible if your condition is severe enough.

Changing Our DNA Through Mind Control.

mind control

From: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/changing-our-dna-through-mind-control/

“Lead investigator Dr. Linda E. Carlson and her colleagues found that in breast cancer patients, support group involvement and mindfulness meditation – an adapted form of Buddhist meditation in which practitioners focus on present thoughts and actions in a non-judgmental way, ignoring past grudges and future concerns — are associated with preserved telomere length. Telomeres are stretches of DNA that cap our chromosomes and help prevent chromosomal deterioration — biology professors often liken them to the plastic tips on shoelaces. Shortened telomeres aren’t known to cause a specific disease per se, but they do whither with age and are shorter in people with cancer, diabetes, heart disease and high stress levels. We want our telomeres intact.

In Carlson’s study distressed breast cancer survivors were divided into three groups. The first group was randomly assigned to an 8-week cancer recovery program consisting of mindfulness meditation and yoga; the second to 12-weeks of group therapy in which they shared difficult emotions and fostered social support; and the third was a control group, receiving just a 6-hour stress management course. A total of 88 women completed the study and had their blood analyzed for telomere length before and after the interventions. Telomeres were maintained in both treatment groups but shortened in controls.

Previous work hinted at this association. A study led by diet and lifestyle guru Dr. Dean Ornish from 2008 reported that the combination of a vegan diet, stress management, aerobic exercise and participation in a support group for 3 months resulted in increased telomerase activity in men with prostate cancer, telomerase being the enzyme that maintains telomeres by adding DNA to the ends of our chromosomes. More recent work looking at meditation reported similar findings. And though small and un-randomized, a 2013 follow up study by Ornish, again looking at prostate cancer patients, found that lifestyle interventions are associated with longer telomeres.

The biologic benefits of meditation in particular extend well beyond telomere preservation. Earlier work by Carlson found that in cancer patients, mindfulness is associated with healthier levels of the stress hormone cortisol and a decrease in compounds that promote inflammation. Moreover, as she points out, “generally healthy people in a work-based mindfulness stress reduction program have been shown to produce higher antibody titers to the flu vaccine than controls, and there has been promising work looking at the effects of mindfulness in HIV and diabetes.” Past findings also show that high stress increases the risk of viral infections – including the common cold – as well as depression and cardiovascular disease.

The therapeutic potential of the mind-body intersect is well-known. Biofeedback – in which sensor-clad patients learn awareness of and control over various physiologic functions – has been around for decades and is used to treat pain, headache, high blood pressure and sleep problems, among numerous other conditions. And of course there’s the placebo effect, the complicated yet very real psychobiological benefit achieved from a patient’s expectations of a treatment rather than the treatment itself.

Though optimistic that meditative and social approaches are mental means toward better physical, and not just psychologic well-being, Carlson rightly hedges. “The meaning of the maintenance of telomere length in this study is unknown. However, I think that processing difficult emotions is important for both emotional and physical health, and this can be done both through group support with emotional expression, and through mindfulness meditation practice,” she says.

Carlson wonders if mentally-rooted telomeric changes are long-lasting, if the same patterns would hold true in other cancers and conditions, and what the effects of mental intervention would be if offered at the time of diagnosis and treatment – all questions she hopes to pursue.

According to a report published by Harvard Medical School in 2011, 6.3 million Americans were using mind-body therapies at the advice of conventional doctors – a surprisingly high number that has surely since grown. Still, prescription meditation – especially in the interest of physical health — is far from the norm in Western medicine. And it remains unclear whether or not preserved telomeres actually prolong survival in cancer patients; or in anyone for that matter. But stress reduction in the interest of chromosomal preservation, and other possible health benefits, seems like a pursuit even a 17th Century dualist philosopher could get behind.”

Better Somewhat Today

I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.

Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.

BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.

Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.

I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.

Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.

Evil Squirrel’s Blaze (she’s a’ caroling!)

Do please come in and meet Blaze, my Christmas prize from Evil Squirrel’s Holiday Cards in which several around the blogosphere received hand-drawn pictures of his characters.  Totally appropriate that I get Blaze, considering the pink and red of her outfit, and the fact that she is caroling whereas I sing in the shower, the car, and anywhere else I think I can get away with it.  Go check out Evil. Squirrel’s page RIGHT NOW and you will not be disappointed.  There is always something every day to make you laugh!


Filed under: Good Times Tagged: blog, blogging, Christmas, Evil Squirrel, holiday

I Love It When Things Work Out!

Well, here I am laying on the couch in my NEW APARTMENT!!  It is just purrrrrrfect for me, it’s a studio with a nice comfy bed and an even comfy-er couch!  It has cable tv (yikes addictive) and a full kitchen and it now has wifi since I got it installed yesterday.  The guy who came to install the wifi tried some funny business, saying he had to put a filter on the cable tv to reduce it to 25 channels (from 71) because that’s all this complex is supposed to have.  I was of course, dismayed since that was not what was advertised/promised by the landlord.  THEN he offered to NOT put the filter on if I gave him a HUNDRED DOLLAR TIP!!!  What a scumbag!!  I just said I couldn’t afford that, but I hoped he wouldn’t put the filter on anyway.  He called (or pretended to call) his supervisor and ended up not putting the filter on, yay!  Then after installing the internet he tried to tell me that it was fifty bucks extra for WIFI . . . um, no!  This whole interaction left me feeling dirty and wondering, how many old people has this fucker pulled this scam on and come away with an extra $100 or $150 cash in his pocket?  I went to the Bright House Networks website and reported his scam.  The representative seemed unconcerned.  Oh well, like I say, all’s well that ends well.  And in the end I got what I needed.

I am just a 1/2 mile from the beach, so I’ve walked there the past two days, and then walked on the beach (SWEET!).  Oh how I wish I could have you all come and visit!!  This is the best cure for SAD that I’ve ever seen, for sure!!  The days are so much longer than Colorado, even now right before the winter solstice, it doesn’t get dark until 6pm!!  I love it, love it, love it!!  And in January I hear it’s just supposed to get HOTTER!!  YEAH!

So, just four days left and then I’m off to Colorado for Christmas!!!  SO EXCITED to see my family, especially my precious darling nieces and nephews!!!  I am just going to soak them up for a week!!!  I can’t wait.  Oh, and I need to Christmas shop!  I don’t have room to pack anything so I will need to do it all once I get there.  Yikes!  Should be fun and busy.

So, how are you, my friends?  Hope you’re doing well this holiday season.  Peaches!!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bright House Networks Corruption, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader, SAD Cure

To Conform or Not to Conform

Kitt O'Malley:


Throwback Thursday, originally posted November 6, 2013:

Originally posted on Kitt O'Malley:

I always have had a beef with conformity, with hiding your authentic self to fit in with the crowd. Why not be brave and be yourself? Why not be different? Isn’t that what makes life interesting?

As I have aged, though I still am very much Kitt, I find I have more in common with others than not. Our differences are primarily superficial. Of course, my struggles with bipolar disorder are not universally shared. But, we as humans all love and desire to be loved. We have families. We have friends. We protect our young and mourn loss.

To the extent that we differ, we should, we must, respect and appreciate those differences. We are all deserving of love, of acceptance.

Bottom line: I am Kitt, my personality exists independent of my illness. I am a unique individual whether or not I have bipolar disorder. You and I, every living being…

View original 53 more words

Filed under: Acceptance, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Stigma Tagged: #ThrowbackThursday, authentic self, conformity, honesty, nonconformity

Psycho this psycho that

Sometimes a book review is so amazing, it doesn’t matter than you have no wish or intention to read the book itself. File under shock-snark.

In his defence, Roudinesco points out that Lacan never pursued the physical side of things in his consulting rooms. One suspects that, given the design of the analyst’s couch, this was dictated by mechanical rather than ethical constraints.
jacques lacan: the shrink from hell



I got there after I’d read most of a blog belonging to a very peevish psychoanalyst, who is sorely distressed by, amongst other things, psychiatry and CBT. And Monsieur Lacan features heavily, with his neo-Freudian model of psychoanalysis. He’s quite grumpy about science and pseudoscience too, all of it measured and articulate, but I still suspected him of frothing at the mouth somewhat.


People who dismiss entire disciplines and concepts with sweeping sentences scare me. I wouldn’t dream of getting irate and cursing psychoanalysis in its entirety. Firstly, it’d be grossly unfair and secondly, it just wouldn’t occur to me, because it’s shoddy logic.* Not to mention arrogant. Those dismissters and misses … I suspect they’re the kind of people who get jobs packing other people into trains to gulags. (See how neatly I sort of almost avoided Godwin’s Law there?) Is there a faction of angry psychiatrists dissing psychology somewhere?


I’ve had good and bad experiences with psychoanalysis, one good experience with CBT and three good ones with psychiatry. I’ve had a psychologist and a GP look askance at me when I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist,  none of the psychiatrists said anything negative about psychoanalysis. That’s not a representative cross section of anything except my own obviously subjective experience.


Anyway I read a bunch of stuff about Lacan and then I thought hmmm, I bet someone has called him a … and I started typing Lacan is a and Google search quickly autocompleted charlatan, followed by the same phrase in two other languages. Bazinga! I knew it. Noam Chomsky called him one, but said positive things too and appears to have respected him. And then I got to that book review, stopped thinking so hard and just laughed.

A long and winding way to get to a laugh, but no less enjoyable for that. Thank you, cross psychoanalyst.

*I am talking absolute bollocks. I’d totally nuke scientology, the westboro baptist church and noisy eaters.