Blah blah black sheep

In some households you only have to turn up three times before you’re expected to make your own tea, draw up a chair in front of the telly and call the cat a bastard. (Ben Aaronovitch)

The above applies to my blog. (If you can get hold of Aaronivitch’s PC Grant series, it’s a delight, as long as you don’t mind magic policemen.) I found the next quote on a blog and have forgotten the username (sorry).

“People need something visceral to live for; something primal, a regeneration of their DNA or a reaffirmation of their value systems; a crucible, a crusade, a child to raise, a partner to love, a family to support, a war to fight–something greater than them that compels self-realization.”

Sigh. Yes. Exactly. Fuckit. You can’t simply summon faith/hope/dreams or whatever you’d like to call it. Either I’ve transcended desire and attachment and am now the most enlightened being you’ve ever met, or I’m hopeless and dreamless. No prizes. A good while ago I googled something like how to find meaning in life and actually got some quite helpful looking stuff. I promptly closed the browser.

Life … I’m just not that interested in you.


Perhaps it’s odd for such a glass-half-empty sort of a person, but I count my blessings most days and have done so for many, many years. Certainly in my environment, it’d be churlish not to. It doesn’t cure depression btw.

Existentialists are such spoiled fuckers.

I try not to spend 24/7 in my head. These days, the dogs and I are on the beach by 6am and I’m doing more cooking and housework. Energy is definitely the prettier side of mixed episodes. I read a lot. A serious lot. Still, you can only distract yourself for so long and then *chk chk BOOM* you’re face to face with yourself again.

(Next quote was voiced by an American character in the book, I think the word America in it can be read as developed western countries.)


(They’re in Tibet, the book is Skull Mantra, by Eliot Pattison. It’s a whodunnit.)

I’m on day 8 of a mixed episode. I saw them described as anxious depression the other day. Feels accurate for me right now. I wonder if people who think rapid cycling means moods changing from minute to minute, are confusing it with mixed states. Maybe not … Rapid cycling = more than 4 episodes a year. I think irritable/bad tempered posts like yesterday’s are an indicator that I’m in a mixed state. Although I am known for being an asshole agitated sort of a creature in general anyway. Mixed states, by the way, are also known to be suicide zones, because people are depressed and have the energy to do something about it. I’m not suicidal, I’m just passing on the info.

Do you facebook? I’m taking a facebreak to avoid the holiday season (or as I like to call it, grinchtime!). Last time I took a break I was off it for 3 months and I barely noticed. I actually don’t care whether you facebook or not, I just didn’t want to start yet another paragraph with ‘I’.

Oh thank fuck, I’ve run out of steam for a bit.


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