YES. HORRORMONES. Not hormones. It happened again yesterday, that vile PMS monster. I was out in public and tears just burst out. There was no trigger, NOTHING. And suddenly the woman most people have nicknamed the ice queen over the years because my only overt emotion tends to be sarcasm…is reduced to a tear streaked faucet of tears that might as well be made of acid because my cheeks and eyes scorched just the same.
One more thing people can use against me to invalidate how real my feelings are.
December has proven to be that kind of month. Where the people you trusted most finally showed their true colors, broke my heart, made me feel betrayed, disrespected, and then had the nerve to dismiss my feelings as me simply being angry with them without just cause.
(How was that for a run on sentence?)
It’s kept me awake at night for days now. Round and round it goes. I am certainly not on solid ground mentally or hormonally but I had ONE fucking trigger I asked to never have violated. And the only two people in the world I trusted broke that trust. Then act as if everything is peachy.
So, basically, if you tell me not to whack you in the skull with a hammer, and I swear I won’t…Then I do it anyway and you start gushing blood and screaming in agony…It’s cool, ‘cos it made me happy, right?
Hell, no! I violate your trust and hurt you, you have every right to be pissed and injured!
I am not surrounded by people emotionally intelligent enough to figure that factoid right. “Oh, I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry.” Bam, it’s all better and if I don’t agree, well, I am just being unreasonable and mean.
What is truly humorous is that no matter how many people see their behavior and confirm how I feel…They will never see themselves for who they are. It will always be someone else’s fault. No room in the spotlight for born victims.
Lies. Secrets. Betrayals. Broken trust.
This is what I’ve gotten for Christmas.
And while imperfect, best I can tell, my only crime was putting faith in the wrong people.
I have no refuge anymore. I don’t want to be at home where the anger can brew. I can’t be at the shop where the anger will boil. I can’t even find refuge in own mind because it’s very busy berating me for violating my own rule of never trusting anyone. I learned it from the X Files, then first hand. Trust no one.But time and again, like a fool, I do, so now my own mind has turned against me. It takes every opportunity to remind me I brought this on myself. Not just by choosing to open up and trust…
But failing to be what these people wanted and needed me to be to make them happy.I didn’t care enough. I wasn’t smart enough.
Of course, on that latter part, my brain can go fuck itself.
That’s just pure manipulation from those around me. I do care enough and I am smart enough. What I am not, however, is an enabler or yes man.
I call it like I see it.
Honesty as a fatal flaw. We, as a society, are pathetic.
Even as I write this, my pain on full display, my words raw and true and my pain almost tangible through the keyboard…I hesitate to post it. My goal has never been to hurt others. Just because they hurt me first doesn’t mean I have to lash back and be like them. I could never be like them, anyway. I feel bad when I accidentally cut someone off in traffic or clip a squirrel in the road.
I could never cause this kind of hurt to someone I allegedly care for and respect and still have the nerve to face them as if nothing is wrong. In fact, when I have hurt people and made them feel betrayed, it has been my primary goal to remove myself so they don’t have to look at me and be reminded of my betrayal at a regular interval.
Because I know what it’s like when someone hurts you, intentionally or not, and being around them makes your skin crawl. You don’t trust them. You want them out of your sight, out of your vicinity. You don’t want them included in your daily doings because the trust is gone and traveling with a ticking time bomb that could have a brand new lie or betrayal brewing all the while smiling and looking you in the eye…is terrifying.
At the same time…You want peace. You don’t want tension and animosity. Especially in your work place or own home. So you fake it, every grueling agonizing smile and kind word, all the while fighting back bile.
When in fact, you want to scream and throw things and MAKE them hurt the way they have hurt you.
Which isn’t feasible with people who lack emotional morality, empathy, or concern for anything but their own happiness.
What can you say to someone so self deluded they’ll risk their very life based on words on a page because it makes them happy.
How can you reach someone whose self absorption is such that they call you annoying and you tell them they annoy you as well..and they look at you and say, “I’m not annoying at all.”
Functional delusion. Lies we tell ourselves.
Call it what you will.
I just know in order for me to recover, I really need to take several steps back from those who have hurt me. I owe them nothing. This is MY home, MY life, and this is ME, hurt feelings, anger, and the kitchen fucking sink.
I will not be invalidated and I will not be further used.
And if others can give you what makes you happy…
Then get the hell away from me, NOW.
I’ve got nothing left to give.
Tonight I will gussy up my kid, make myself look less haggish, I will triple the Xanax, and I will go to her school Christmas program and clap and beam like any other proud mom.
Because unlike some, hiding away in a room with a computer or a beer isn’t going to make reality go away.
Being an adult means dealing with the reality first, THEN you get to take a stab at what makes you happy.
But it’s real and I have had all of the fakeness I can take.
2014 can’t be over fast enough for me.
Maybe 2015 will bring me the peace and calm I need to rebuild all that has been demolished this year.
Now, you may ask, what this tirade has to do with mental health.
I think it makes an eloquent point. That for those of us who are truly ill, it’s not just the illness keeping us off balance. It’s being at the mercy of those around us, as well. Events we can’t control, can’t predict, can’t really manage to bounce back from because it just keeps coming at us.
There is no way to heal a mind if the bullets never stop flying long enough to allow triage and treatment of the wounds.
Forgiveness. Not entirely difficult.
It never happens.
I still wish the best for everyone for Christmas. Because no matter how hurt I get, I will not allow anyone to take away who I truly am.
I am someone who really does care.
Even if it is rarely reciprocal.
This is me.
And much as I irritate me and piss me off…I accept me.
Hot mess that I am.
And anyone who doesn’t like that…needs to get the fuck out of my orbit.