I told you all I’d probably talk about my couch …so this is it. However, this is not an actual picture of my sofa. Mine is too messy right now to post a pic up. I’d actually be embarrassed. The room around my couch is neat but the couch area is a mess.
So I have this couch and a nice table in front of it. It’s one of those coffee tables with a fake marble top. This couch and table is my “nest”. This is where I spend my days and a lot of my nights when I don’t feel good. I often have a dog or two with me and usually my black cat sleeps up on the back of it.
I’ve got a really nice, big TV to watch from the sofa. I don’t have it on unless I am watching a specific program. I don’t like the background noise. It gets on my nerves.
So let’s start with the actual sofa. What is on there? To keep it clean, I keep a big king sized quilt as a cover. This gets washed once a week. I keep three or so very soft bed pillows (the squishy kind) on there. Then another quilt on top to put over me. And a “flufflie” blanket to snuggle with.
I always have to have a blanket over me no matter what the weather. I have a fan going on me all the time. I need the fresh air to feel like I am breathing.
So what is on the floor around the sofa? (Here comes the mess.) A portable radio so I can listen to sports talk. (I’m a football fan.) A cloth carry bag with my devotional books and prayer beads as I try to use these every day. My laptop normally sits on the floor. My purse is there. Right now, there are a couple of Christmas gifts that came in the mail still sitting there. There’s an extra pillow and a set of headphones. And under the table is a basket where my tiniest dog sleeps. She’s too little to get up on the couch alone.
On to my messy table. There is usually (like now) cold coffee and a large glass of ice water. There’s my phone and a Christmas pin my husband said someone gave him for donating a dollar somewhere. There’s a gift book on prayer beads I got for a friend yesterday that I need to get over to her. A spiral notebook to jot down things and a book of 365 slow cooker recipes is on there. The fan remote sits there, as does the book for my book club on Tuesday. I’ve got a bin full of Advil, the TV remote, scissors, reading and computer glasses, lip balm, lens cleaner, and my huge pill minder floating around happily.
As you can see, I can live from my couch. And I do. Quite often.
My husband is going to his annual poker Christmas party tonight. I am glad he has these friends and gets out, but it is a long and lonely evening for me. My daughter is going on a date to an office party and my son will be home but immersed in his room with his computer games, and music making. I still don’t feel really solid being home alone for a long while. I get nervous about the voices.
I’m still struggling with the shower thing. I feel like I am disabled and I almost need a nurse or something to come over in the morning and get me up and in the shower. If I’m showered or took one the day before, I am willing to go out and go places.
I feel sort of sad and blah. Tomorrow I have to go to one of those warehouse stores and pick a few things up for the open house on Sunday. Then we have to hit the big liquor store for some wine and champagne. Then Sunday is the big fiesta. Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to our party. It gives me a little validation that I DO have friends and it will nice for everyone to see the tree. A friend is making a special cake for the event and I know it will look gorgeous. I’m only worried about what to wear so I don’t look super bad (fat)and if we’ll have enough food. My daughter announced she has about ten co-workers coming, so I think it is possible we could wind up with 60 people over the four hours or so. The good news is….we don’t have to invite anyone over for quite a while after this. It’s their turn:)
I think I know why I feel so lonely and sad. It’s my best friend. She’s out of state and working now and it’s a challenge to even chat with her. This is NOT her fault and my happiness is NOT her job. But there were times where we were really close. We traveled together and had a blast. We talked every day and knew what color lip gloss we were wearing. (Okay, it wasn’t that bad!). When I am feeling good lately and getting out and living life I don’t miss her and I do fine. I really don’t want or need any more friends here or things to do. I can’t keep up with the stuff and people I have. But when I feel sad, I miss my friend. I miss that closeness we had and how I could just call her and cry sometimes. It’s just a sad lonely feeling. It’s sort of missing that familiar place of unconditional love. I have a few tears as I write this. I need to get my act together.
But you know, they have been jacking with my meds (saw my pdoc yesterday) and that could be causing the sadness. I’m hanging in there…I want this to be a good holiday for my husband and kids.
love to you all and a hug,