This is truly a nothing post. If you are looking for depth or meaning this is not your entry. Just happily scoot along to a poetry blog.

I told you all I’d probably talk about my couch …so this is it. However, this is not an actual picture of my sofa. Mine is too messy right now to post a pic up. I’d actually be embarrassed. The room around my couch is neat but the couch area is a mess.

So I have this couch and a nice table in front of it. It’s one of those coffee tables with a fake marble top. This couch and table is my “nest”. This is where I spend my days and a lot of my nights when I don’t feel good. I often have a dog or two with me and usually my black cat sleeps up on the back of it.

I’ve got a really nice, big TV to watch from the sofa. I don’t have it on unless I am watching a specific program. I don’t like the background noise. It gets on my nerves.

So let’s start with the actual sofa. What is on there? To keep it clean, I keep a big king sized quilt as a cover. This gets washed once a week. I keep three or so very soft bed pillows (the squishy kind) on there. Then another quilt on top to put over me. And a “flufflie” blanket to snuggle with.

I always have to have a blanket over me no matter what the weather. I have a fan going on me all the time. I need the fresh air to feel like I am breathing.

So what is on the floor around the sofa? (Here comes the mess.) A portable radio so I can listen to sports talk. (I’m a football fan.) A cloth carry bag with my devotional books and prayer beads as I try to use these every day. My laptop normally sits on the floor. My purse is there. Right now, there are a couple of Christmas gifts that came in the mail still sitting there. There’s an extra pillow and a set of headphones. And under the table is a basket where my tiniest dog sleeps. She’s too little to get up on the couch alone.

On to my messy table. There is usually (like now) cold coffee and a large glass of ice water. There’s my phone and a Christmas pin my husband said someone gave him for donating a dollar somewhere. There’s a gift book on prayer beads I got for a friend yesterday that I need to get over to her. A spiral notebook to jot down things and a book of 365 slow cooker recipes is on there. The fan remote sits there, as does the book for my book club on Tuesday. I’ve got a bin full of Advil, the TV remote, scissors, reading and computer glasses, lip balm, lens cleaner, and my huge pill minder floating around happily.

As you can see, I can live from my couch. And I do. Quite often.

My husband is going to his annual poker Christmas party tonight. I am glad he has these friends and gets out, but it is a long and lonely evening for me. My daughter is going on a date to an office party and my son will be home but immersed in his room with his computer games, and music making. I still don’t feel really solid being home alone for a long while. I get nervous about the voices.

I’m still struggling with the shower thing. I feel like I am disabled and I almost need a nurse or something to come over in the morning and get me up and in the shower. If I’m showered or took one the day before, I am willing to go out and go places.

I feel sort of sad and blah. Tomorrow I have to go to one of those warehouse stores and pick a few things up for the open house on Sunday. Then we have to hit the big liquor store for some wine and champagne. Then Sunday is the big fiesta. Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to our party. It gives me a little validation that I DO have friends and it will nice for everyone to see the tree. A friend is making a special cake for the event and I know it will look gorgeous. I’m only worried about what to wear so I don’t look super bad (fat)and if we’ll have enough food. My daughter announced she has about ten co-workers coming, so I think it is possible we could wind up with 60 people over the four hours or so.  The good news is….we don’t have to invite anyone over for quite a while after this. It’s their turn:)

I think I know why I feel so lonely and sad. It’s my best friend. She’s out of state and working now and it’s a challenge to even chat with her. This is NOT her fault and my happiness is NOT her job. But there were times where we were really close. We traveled together and had a blast. We talked every day and knew what color lip gloss we were wearing. (Okay, it wasn’t that bad!). When I am feeling good lately and getting out and living life I don’t miss her and I do fine. I really don’t want or need any more friends here or things to do. I can’t keep up with the stuff and people I have. But when I feel sad, I miss my friend. I miss that closeness we had and how I could just call her and cry sometimes. It’s just a sad lonely feeling. It’s sort of missing that familiar place of unconditional love. I have a few tears as I write this. I need to get my act together.

But you know, they have been jacking with my meds (saw my pdoc yesterday) and that could be causing the sadness. I’m hanging in there…I want this to be a good holiday for my husband and kids.

love to you all and a hug,

lily

We went on for a year like that.  Very, very gradually he started easing up on the check-ins and monitoring where I went.  We endured the funeral of his grandmother during this time.  I obsessed less and less—all it took was remembering how hurt Bob was over it to stop them in their tracks now.  I continued therapy and worked even harder on my issues.  Bob simply had to have time to heal from it all; we had long discussions about where our relationship was going and what we could do to make it better. Thankfully, we survived the entire ordeal and celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary in 2013.

Sadly, obsessions of this nature are part and parcel of bipolar disorder.  Sexual adventuring is a hallmark symptom of the disease.  I knew what I was feeling wasn’t real in the sense that it wasn’t love or any other sane emotion. It was simply an obsession—a trick of my mind.  Being aware of this truth saved my marriage in that I fought the obsessions with all I had even though I did slip that one time.  I know that in God’s eyes I was committing adultery against Bob by obsessing like this.  But I’ve been forgiven and was finally saved from it by the grace of God.

To forestall it happening again, I’ve started being very careful at how I interact with men.  I try not to be in conversation with a man without Bob being around as well.  I don’t want to give something a chance to start, and I don’t want to give anyone a reason to be suspicious at how I interacted with people. I do have a very few long-term male friends I stay in contact with, mostly over Facebook–a few from college and one from my writing days.  Bob knows them and trusts me with them. I’m also very careful with students, making sure that I don’t interact with the guys in my class in anything resembling an inappropriate way. And I keep a watch on my mind, making sure it’s Bob I’m thinking about and caring for with all my heart.

I don’t know if the pastor from my church that resigned has any of these deep-seated psychological issues   But his situation led me to share my story in hopes that other bipolar people who struggle with these kinds of issues know that they can fight them and not give in to acting on them in any irreversible way.  The feelings can be a threat to a marriage, but with proper treatment, the obsessions can be controlled to a degree.

This sounds amazing! I am seriously thinking about going there for their 5.5 Day Workshop for Personal Growth. The most important thing for me is Emotional Manageability on a Daily Basis. Sounds really wonderful! I wonder if this works for people with bipolar d/o. We certainly need emotional manageability. Do any of my blogging friends (Dyane?) know about this program? The picture is the mansion in Caron PA where the workshops and groups are held!

About Breakthrough Workshop

http://www.breakthroughatcaron.org/about-breakthrough-workshop

One Week Can Change Your Life

Life is full of ups and downs and most of us want to flourish and improve our lives and the lives of those we love.  Breakthrough at Caron is a groundbreaking residential, 5-day program specifically designed for adults seeking a higher level of happiness and satisfaction.

Breakthrough at Caron has helped over 40,000 adults overcome obstacles that may have previously blocked their efforts towards developing healthier relationships, positive connections and emotional stability. One year follow-up studies conducted by Rutgers University have shown that this innovative program can promote change and maintain results leading to a healthier more rewarding life.

The Breakthrough program is held in a beautiful restored mansion in the hills of Eastern Pennsylvania. Unlike other programs, our program is offered every week of the year and staffed by a team of full-time therapists. Our focus is helping adults, 18 and older, who believe that life could be better and would like to gain the momentum or direction necessary to create the lasting change they want and need. Breakthrough utilizes a unique and time tested process of experiential group therapy where groups of 10, facilitated by 2 skilled full-time therapists, work together to identify previously unidentified and ineffective patterns and to develop healthier and more effective responses towards achieving personal goals.

All aspects of the program are designed to create a “real time” experience of changing unwanted patterns that interfere with healthy attachment. Using an individualized approach, methods include mindfulness training and psychodrama along with exercises to address complex grief and shame which may be inhibiting desired growth. Regardless of previous experience in a group, Breakthrough clients are able to expand their own comfort zone and take risks that they never dreamed were possible.

Today may be the day your change begins.

Come to Breakthrough if you want to:

• Bring out the best in yourself, allowing your strengths to guide you
• Flourish and grow rather than just cope
• Be the best parent, partner and spouse you can be
• Have emotional manageability on a daily basis – regardless of the ups and downs around you
• Experience happiness and joy as a way of life
• Increase the closeness and intimacy in your relationships
• Feel productive and purposeful in your work
• Be able to accept the people and things you cannot change
• Center your life around your values and the people you love

Although a referral from a therapist is not required, this program is intended as an addition to private therapy or outpatient counseling where individuals may accelerate their personal growth by examining and modifying long-standing patterns that interfere with their quality of life. At the conclusion of the program, Breakthrough staff provides each participant with direction for follow-up care and a referral to a therapist for individuals who do not yet have one.

Yes, I know, that’s a big turnaround in a very short time. But it’s not incipient mania that’s making me feel a bit like George Bailey these days; it’s finding out how much I really am loved. There has been such an outpouring of support from so many different people and places that I’m overwhelmed! I never dreamed I’d touched so many lives, even though my friends list is fairly long and I have followers both here and at the nursing website I frequent. But when my friend, “K”, spread the word that Will and I were in dire straits, the response was tremendous and continues as I write this.

Now I think I know what this struggle was designed to teach me. When Will and I were doing all right financially, we spent money casually and seldom thought about the less fortunate—a $20 bill tossed in the collection basket at church on Sundays and a few cans of soup for the annual food drive were pretty much it. We wanted only to forget our own humble beginnings, and it never occurred to either of us that we might need help again someday.

How arrogant we were in our big house on the hill. And how wrong.

Well, that day has arrived, and my friends and family have come to the rescue in more ways than one. We haven’t found a place to live yet, and there’ll still be a lot of misery to be endured before we’ll have anything resembling a normal life. My moods are dependent on what’s happening on a day-to-day basis, and my baseline is still somewhat depressed. But I’m rediscovering my faith in God and humanity; and even though there’ll be no presents for Christmas, just knowing that people care is a gift all unto itself…..one that won’t wear out or be forgotten after the holidays are over.