Daily Archives: December 10, 2014

It’s Holiday time Yippee? – Not for everyone.

Ah yes, Christmas! Even the sound of it as the word rolls around your mouth is wonderful. I just have to close my eyes and remember the fun and the laughter and the merriment that used to be Christmas in … Continue reading

AFGE (Another Fucking Growing Experience)

Well chalk one up for Bipolaronfire and her stellar communication skills!  Here I thought that I could stay with my friend as long as I wanted, which in my mind meant the Spring.  Every time I tried to nail things down with her (can I help with the rent? Utilities?) she would brush me off.  Well today things got interesting!  She texted me (God knows we can’t talk in person) and asked me how long I planned on staying with her, letting me know that she had guests coming in January.  I offered to go stay in a hotel while she had guests in January, but her reply said she thought I was just staying with her a few weeks while I looked for a place of my own.  WOW!!  Talk about a misfire!  And I have officially overstayed my welcome!  Poor friend.  So here I have the dilemma:  Try to find a place to live here, which I think would be very lonely by myself, or head home to Colorado, which I KNOW will be very gloomy and cold?  Oh!  I would surely miss that damn beach!  We have become dear friends, the beach and I.  So I am simultaneously looking for places in Florida, and looking for places in Colorado.  What the fuck am I going to do?  My brain is swirling with the possibilities.  I think I need a more settled, stable life than this.  (The Universe laughs).

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

Appeal for Appeals


A free e-book, starring good ole manic depression … I’ve just downloaded it.

Originally posted on Manic Monkey & Friends:

Not a funny post. Just a straightforward one.

It’s that Christmasy time of year…the time when everyone is focused on their shopping and family and friends – which is good! But it’s also a stressful time of year (this year) for our buddy Asher. Since his incarceration, he’s been fighting for his appeals….his final appeal at the federal level is mid February (ironically, on my wedding anniversary. I can’t help but hope that the shared date is a sign from the universe that things will go well!!) Anyways, the clock is ticking.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Can you hear it???

He still needs to figure out if his parents are going to be able to help him hire an attorney (or if it’s going to be worth it) – we’ve been talking to one that seems very optimistic about his case, whereas the state appointed attorney couldn’t care less (shocker).


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The Mental Health Channel


I haven’t watched anything yet, so idk what it’s like, but I thought I’d share it.

Originally posted on Out of a Great Need:

I learned about the Mental Health Channel after watching this episode of Brain Waves.

You may participate in the conversation above at IMHRO/Brain Waves.

I am in awe of the filmmaking…such hope and honesty…with such thoughtfulness.

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My Dad and Dementia


My dad has dementia – not Alzheimer’s, the most common type of dementia – but dementia nonetheless. His dementia has slowly progressed over many years and is greatly exacerbated by his heavy drinking. I am genetic heir to alcoholism, fear it, and drink minimally because of it.

Because I am feeling pain and anxiety over my father’s health, yesterday I spent an inordinate amount of time formatting and reformatting a cut and paste of content from the Alzheimer’s Association on how to cope over the holidays. Rather than write from my heart and deal with my angst, I spent hours tweaking HTML code until my post visually pleased me. In that small way, I exercised control, for I am not in control of my father’s brain health. I cannot make him stop drinking. I cannot stop his brain deteriorate, and it devastates me, for I love him dearly.

Yesterday’s post perhaps offered you both too much information and too little information.  Too much information on coping over the holidays should you have a family member with dementia, for you could have simply clicked on the link to the Alzheimer’s Association article at the top of the post and received the very same content verbatim. Too little, for I did not speak at all. I was silent, hiding with my heart heavy, wondering what could be done to help my mother and father face this beast.

Filed under: Acceptance, Alcoholism, Dementia, Family, Health, Mental Health Tagged: Alzheimer's Association, brain health, Dementia, Grief, heavy drinking

The Medi Go Round Goes Round Again

So I don’t see the shrink again until January but since the prozac seems to be helping, I called the nurse and asked if the doc would consider a small increase. She got back to me and said that was fine but he wants me off Paxil. So I am to drop from 50mg to 20 mg daily, for 7 days, then stop cold turkey.
It’s like the doctors are retarded. And I mean that in a clinical way, not insulting. But then they don’t take these meds so they don’t know.
Coming off anti depressants comes with withdrawal worse than coming off a benzodiazepine. The whole idea is to taper off. Dropping 30 mgs lower and taking 7 days…That’s not tapering.
So as usual, I will do it my own way, which will involve a lower dose a few days, then a lower dose every other day. Last time they did the week long coming off, I had brain zaps and such for five weeks.
Moronic does not begin to cover it.

This is a sort of scary thought but it seems wrong to treat conditions you don’t have, kind of like a man having say over a woman’s health issues when they don’t have the same parts. If you don’t have a mental disorder and don’t take these meds, how do you relate to what we go through?
And the fact these meds pretty much conk out on me after a few months, I am getting this vibe from the docs that maybe they think I am a malingerer.
Oddly, the Lamictal still works.
Anti depressants and I just don’t get along well.

Otherwise…Cold dreary gray day. Mood is blah. Thought patterns are kind of manic. Anxiety is nipping at my heels. I keep having these thoughts about how others are way more fucked up than me, they just can’t admit it. That makes me feel irate.
Then I have to feel guilty for feeling irate because I am judging them for their issues.
Though in all fairness, if your issues don’t impact me,I’m not militant about it. If you being who you are makes me feel shitty, then yeah, I hold a judgy grudge. Especially when you don’t even care enough to hear more than, “i blame you for everything that is wrong with the world.”
The counselors preach to say things in terms of, “I feel…” and “when you do this, it makes me feel…”
Some cannot be approached in any way without becoming defensive. it’s just pointless trying to reach them.
That makes me sad.
Because I know I have changed and grown. I have seen how Bex has changed and grown as a person during her time here. Maybe they aren’t the kind of changes that will cure cancer, but we make the effort.
Others…can’t be bothered because they honestly don’t see themselves as flawed.
It’s thoughts like this that make me feel like existence is futile. I can’t be shallow and relate to people on a vapid only level. I try and I try and ultimately, it is my undoing. I am tired of having feelings being akin to leprosy. I am tired of being told everything I need to change about myself to assimilate while others just stay exactly the same.

But then I remember…Maybe it started out as me trying to fix myself so others wouldn’t be deterred.
Somewhere over time though, it became less about them and more about me simply wanting to be a better version of myself. That is what I have to keep in mind at all times.
I can’t control others. Sometimes, I’m not even sure I can, or want to, control my reactions to them.
What I can totally control is my own beliefs, behaviors, and my desire to become a better me. It’s not about pleasing them, it’s about making myself feel like I’ve grown as a person.

So why do I always lose sight of that?

I don’t think 8 hours daily therapy seven days a week could undo some of my damages.
And maybe some things aren’t so much being damaged as just being different.
You cannot expect a person who has always been wealthy to understand what financial struggle is like.
So how do I expect to explain myself to others who have not been through the experiences that have contributed in making me who I am.

Sometimes, I’d like to just toss all the meds and shrinks and psychology mumbo jumbo into a big bonfire. Denial and self medication work for most people, I should just jump on board.

But that wasn’t me even before I obtained my emotional baggage. I don’t assimilate. It’s always been one of my traits I’ve liked most. It takes no courage or intelligence to take the path more traveled.
Taking the path less traveled, now that requires guts and some smarts.

I don’t need some diagnostic manual saying my unwillingness to sell myself out to fit some societal norm is a disorder.

At the rate things are going, it will soon be a disorder if you have brown eyes or red hair.

For a society that has allegedly become so more tolerant…I find it leaving much to be desired.

This article I found on police, and an update

I found this article http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/08/25/people-with-mental-disabilities-get-the-worst-and-least-recognized-treatment-from-police/ and was shocked to see that up to 75% of arrests and police using force were on mentally ill people.

I read about a man who called a crisis line because he was suicidal, they sent police, and they shot him. The irony is disgusting.

Police are shooting 12 year olds, fatally, and this has to stop. In Iceland, they don’t even carry guns, and have only ever fatally shot one person, in which the officers had to go to grief counselling and apologize to the family. They were very shocked at what they had done.

In the US, it seems like something they just do. Using excessive force on people that don’t need it. Seriously, sneaking into a movie theatre is grounds for arrest and that kind of force? WOW.

In Canada, it’s a bit better. I’m Canadian. But there’s still police brutality and its disgusting.

If crisis teams were sent to the homes of those that are suicidal, that would make life a lot easier on everyone. Why is it always “shoot to kill”? In my opinion, they could shoot, but not an immediate kill. Just down the person a bit. That’s in a circumstance where the other person is pointing a gun at you. People shouldn’t be shot for nothing, or treated brutally.

It makes me sick sometimes. A 12 year old child, shot to death. He didn’t make the smartest choices in brandishing a real lookalike gun, but to kill the kid? WTF!

Well, I’m feeling better. I went riding yesterday and am going tomorrow, after therapy. I can only do the basics right now because I was off for so long, but Sully is a good boy and is looking really good. Don’t think I’m going to be competing this winter. The barn we go to already had one show, and now Sully and I are out of shape. I was off 3 weeks.. Depression, snow and spraining my good shoulder did that. I feel much better now.

My pharmacy didn’t fuck up my prescription today, that makes me happy.

And this is for everyone. I love RuPaul, and she’s amazing. At the end of every RuPaul’s Drag Race episode this is said.


Can I get an amen in here?

Let the music play!

The Conversation

I very nearly broke down but didn’t.  Bob looked hurt and scared.  I had never dreamed that his friend would figure out who I was.  I said, “I can’t tell you or I really will have to kill myself.”

I sat down in his lap and cried.    We talked on and on.  I finally told him the whole story.  He kept asking questions, and I answered them as best as I could.  I told him his friend had not done anything to get me hooked on him, that it was all in my head and his friend had never been anything but nice to me.  I said I had tried and tried to make it stop but I couldn’t.  I told Bob I loved him and never wanted him to know because I didn’t want to hurt him.  And I cried and cried.

Bob asked me if I needed to go to the hospital.  The suicidal thoughts had returned full force, so I said yes.  We called the hotline and did not get an answer.  While we waited, I sat in Bob’s lap and cried, with him doing nothing but holding me.  He didn’t seem angry, just hurt and scared.  After I was all cried out, I got up and stated fixing dinner.  We fed the kids and watched TV with them until it was time for them to go to bed.

The hospital finally called back.  By that time, I thought maybe Bob was going to be all right; I thought I had said the right things to him to reassure him that the feelings for this person didn’t have anything to do with him or anything he had done.  He was acting very concerned about me, and I thought maybe I was going to be all right.  So I didn’t go into the hospital

One Small Crack…

one small crack So true and empowering.