No sleep last night, beach before 5am, flight of ideas, word salad, jaw working like I’m coming off E … I am now in the waiting room, far too early to see my psychiatrist. That’s ok though, THREE roadwork/traffic delays on the main road between home and here. We call them stop-goes. So enigmatic *rolls eyeballs* I am sweating horribly, so much for the shower before I left and the ice (rooibos) tea I just glugged.
Yes, I am hypofuckingmanic. If anyone needs anything foolhardy, impulsive, risky and stupid done, dial 0800 BLAH POLAR. You’re all manic depressives too, so no point me begging for donations to finance wild shopping sprees – you’ve spent it all on sprees of your own. You bastards.
I can hear my psychiatrist laughing from here. She laughs easily – I imagine she would be easy to develop transference issues over. It’s funny I’ve never had any for anyone.
Oh, I took this photo for Alex today:
A Coke Zero for a wingman. Or from one. Diet sodas are shit though, sorry)
I’ve noticed that when I get manic or mixed features, there’s another constant. If I stop and listen to my inner voice, it just screams hoarsely. It’s not usually intrusive. Intrusive thoughts, however, also happen along with it. I spend a tiring amount of time deploying my CBT anti-flashback strategy (unleashing imaginary firestorms, explosions etc).
The receptionists (there are three) are gossiping kindly about a patient who just phoned. Shame it’s terrible to be in that predicament hey Wendz? I want to say who what but of course I won’t. I was a receptionist in a psych hospital once btw. Long ago and far away.
*fast forward sound effect*
It was a very good session.
The updowngrading of my diagnosis got some more modifiers (who said Santa .Claus ain’t real?!):
Patients who experience at least four episodes during a 12-month period are classified as “rapid cycling”
Patients with bipolar disorder who switch directly between mania and depression without a period of euthymia
So … right now I am manic. It feels horrible, but not as horrible as a mixed episode, anhedonia, psychosis … blah blah blahhh.
I got sleeping pills o/ (Zopivane/Zopiclone).
She suspects that bipolar arrived in my life in early childhood. She told me about a 4 year old who tried to commit suicide being diagnosed with bipolar. She told me someone got diagnosed with it at age 95. I’m afraid I laughed, imagining a suicidal 95 year old. *shakes head at self* I told her about Ellen Forney’s Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo and Me; my copy arrived today. She told me that her father and sister are bipolar.
We talked about psychosis quite a bit. Apparently deaf people can have auditory hallucinations, because they are from the brain, not the ear. She said she thought I’d be fascinated by phenotypes, endophenotypes, culture-bound disorders and work by a guy who wants bipolar to have more subcategories/types than it does now. But I lost the bit of paper she wrote the name on. She said if I can’t access any papers I want, she will either get them for me herself or ask a big pharma rep to.
She said stay put, don’t leave the country, do not cut out carbs from your diet.
I just found the piece of paper, it was folded and then rolled up and very much the worse for wear. The name is Hagop S. Akiskal, MD. and the right term for what I was waffling on about earlier is bipolar subtyping.
I’ll shut up now.