Roller Coaster

coasterRoller coaster. Yep, that’s what I’ve been on. I am trying and trying to get off of this Lexapro. It’s not working. I am not able to live a normal life. It’s been back to the couch.

There’s something about the couch. It’s like an island where I can be and I don’t have to be touched or bothered by anything. No shower, no regular clothes, no teeth brushing, nothing. I have my couch all set up. Plenty of soft blankets and pillows, a fan, my devotional book bag, my glasses, my meds, books to read, my phone, the remotes, drinks, etc. I’m all set here. And when I don’t feel good, I crawl right in to survive.

I don’t know what happened to me. I got through Thanksgiving and got the tree and decorations up. I was too tired for church on Sunday but that was okay. I got in the car by myself on Monday and did some errands. All was good. However, by Tuesday, I was back down and have been down ever since.

I’ve managed to feed everybody the last few days. I’ve talked to people. I’ve not taken a shower.

Life is actually good right now. If you overlook my excess weight I am doing well. The house looks beautiful, my kids and husband are good, I have friends, we have money, and well, you get the idea. But I can’t seem to get off this damned Lexapro. I keep getting brain zaps and depression. I just generally feel like crap. I feel like I am wasting my life. I really miss my best friend who lives a state away. She got a job and is so busy but I am happy for her. She seems to be doing well.

I’m going to the weight doctor for a weigh in on Tuesday so at least I’ll know the news then. “Never give up hope”. And I have a new weight loss buddy to talk to.

Tonight is a nightmare. It is the annual office party. My husband works for a tiny group of people (there are five employees). He makes amazing money doing this for the amount of work he does. This job is sort of a spin off of what he did before he retired. Anyway, this party is always held at this other guy’s house because he is allergic to our cat. This guy is a Disney freak. So we wind up playing Disney games all night. Of course, this man and his wife win all of the games. Now I don’t hate Disney, but it doesn’t figure much in my life. The man who owns this company gives the Disney guy a big allowance for food. So he caters it and then brags about how great the food is.

On a side note, I have to tell you how crazy this guy is. He told us that Steve Jobs wanted him to serve as a pallbearer but he was just too busy. (This man has a problem with reality.) Perhaps this is why the Disney fantasy thing is so attractive.

Now the people at this party all know I have MI. So if I didn’t show they would be fine. But I hate to send my husband alone. Cause this thing sucks. And the big boss is there and he is very nice.

My plan is to get a shower at noon. (It’s ten here.) And then just get dressed to go at six. I think I can do it. I can always drive home and let my husband catch a ride. But you know what? if I feel like shit today? I may just skip the whole thing. I’m doing what I can.

I get angry at myself and at the world. I just want a simple life where I get up and get everything sort of done. Not an award winning person, but just sort of getting through the day. I don’t even think it’s bad to spend the afternoon on the couch reading or napping. But the canceling social events and crap is ridiculous. I might as well just call all of my friends and say “Loved ya, but good luck…I’m out of here!”

But there is hope for the social scene. About October, I decided to have a Christmas open house. It’s the 14th from 3-7. It’s just dessert, snacks, and wine. It’s a chance to see all of my and my husband’s friends at once and get our social obligations taken care of from our side. And the house looks so nice with the tree and all. I will get the kids to help and also the lady that cleans our house. She will come and wash dishes as we go. So I just have to get dressed and smile. I can do that.

This whole cancellation thing with my friends. I think I may try something like this: Let’s say I make arrangements to go to a movie….”Cindy, I am excited to go to the movie with you. But I might cancel due to my depression. I never know how I will feel. Can we make a back-up plan for you in case I cancel? Could we invite a third person or could you maybe plan some fun shopping or whatever as an alternative plan? I just don’t want to strand you.” I’m wondering how people might respond to that.

Anyway, feeling like crap today but wanted to blog. Life really sucks when it is going really well and you should be grateful and happy and you still feel like shit. Good old depression.



Edited to add: I got the shower and went to the party. Stayed till 11:30 pm! (Couldn’t escape.) Will tell you about it next time.

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