About three years ago, or so, I began lending my van to my then 18 year-old son to drive to school and work. That gradually expanded to his using it for other commitments as well. Eventually the van essentially became his vehicle. Truth be told, it would otherwise only have sat in the driveway collecting dust. I wasn’t going anywhere with it. I lived within four walls – my security. I was still quite sick. Enough so that I didn’t want to leave the house, let alone drive myself anywhere.

If I needed to go somewhere – mostly medical appointments – I would rely on my husband or my mom to take me there, wait for me, and take me back home – back to where I felt safe. This went on for about two years. But then something happened. I began to get well. Slowly but surely I began to venture out of the house for other things. I joined line-dancing. I joined yoga and attended rubber stamping workshops. Then I needed more rides. I needed my van back.

Well, the timing worked out. My son (now almost 21) just bought his first vehicle. I now have my van back. I’ve discovered it’s a double-edged sword. Yes, I have my own vehicle and I can drive myself wherever I need to go whenever I need to do it, but with it comes my anxiety of driving and of doing things in public – especially alone. People don’t always understand my anxiety, but it’s very real and very restrictive. With having my van has also come more responsibility – to drive my younger daughter places and to get myself to places, alone.

Some days I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, but it’s nice having the vehicle in the driveway just waiting for me in case the urge strikes. I’m enjoying my new-found independence.


My blog has been nominated for a Rookie of the Year WEGO Health Activist Award. I started this blog in March 2014 and it has continued to grow with followers. If you like the content of this blog, please visit this website link below and “endorse” me for the award. (Purple button below my picture) Thank you for your consideration and support.

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