Just returned from mine and Bob’s annual Christmas shopping excursion.  We take out a day during the holiday season each year to shop together for our family for Christmas presents.  It’s a massive undertaking–we not only shop for our girls but also for his immediate family and mine.  I have a sister, brother-in-law, a niece, and both parents, while he has a sister, brother-in-law, three nephews, and both parents.   We also adopt a Christmas Tree child or two every year.  So we do our bit to stimulate the local and national economy every year while shopping.

Today we hit six different stores and were finished with them by 1:30 p.m. before filling up the trunk and having to go home and unload everything.  Bob’s now gone to yet another store to get some leftover gifts that we can only find there.  We’re still short a few gifts that we plan to order online tonight, and I have run out of ideas for mine and Bob’s father,  So we will take another day later on and see what can be found looking at some other stores probably next Friday.

Typically we shop all year for gifts–we try to buy some on summer vacation depending on where we go.  One year we really scored big–we went to Gatlinburg, TN at the same time they were holding a huge regional craft show and got about half of our shopping done there, finding some truly unusual gift items.  We also have a statewide crafts show that we usually attend, but the past few years we haven’t had as much luck there since the same vendors come every year, and we’ve about exhausted our families’ appetite for their offerings.  But this year we had only done some hit-and-miss shopping, so the haul today was truly epic.

Shopping for our girls is often the easiest shopping we do–we usually don’t ask them what they want.  We collect hints throughout the year from things they say, then we fill in the blanks with things we want them to have.  :)  Then we have traditional gifts we give at certain ages, such as a smartphone at fifteen or a designer purse at eighteen.  Just one of the ways we have found to keep the bills manageable and keep me from spinning out of control with the check book and credit card :).

This year looks pretty good for everyone to enjoy thus far–we’ve bought some useful gifts as well as some that are unusual or simply for fun.  Bob going with me makes the whole trip a great adventure instead of a chore on the list–we usually have a lunch date during the day, and we always enjoy that.  One of the few holiday events I don’t have to stress over :).

Roller coaster. Yep, that’s what I’ve been on. I am trying and trying to get off of this Lexapro. It’s not working. I am not able to live a normal life. It’s been back to the couch.

There’s something about the couch. It’s like an island where I can be and I don’t have to be touched or bothered by anything. No shower, no regular clothes, no teeth brushing, nothing. I have my couch all set up. Plenty of soft blankets and pillows, a fan, my devotional book bag, my glasses, my meds, books to read, my phone, the remotes, drinks, etc. I’m all set here. And when I don’t feel good, I crawl right in to survive.

I don’t know what happened to me. I got through Thanksgiving and got the tree and decorations up. I was too tired for church on Sunday but that was okay. I got in the car by myself on Monday and did some errands. All was good. However, by Tuesday, I was back down and have been down ever since.

I’ve managed to feed everybody the last few days. I’ve talked to people. I’ve not taken a shower.

Life is actually good right now. If you overlook my excess weight I am doing well. The house looks beautiful, my kids and husband are good, I have friends, we have money, and well, you get the idea. But I can’t seem to get off this damned Lexapro. I keep getting brain zaps and depression. I just generally feel like crap. I feel like I am wasting my life. I really miss my best friend who lives a state away. She got a job and is so busy but I am happy for her. She seems to be doing well.

I’m going to the weight doctor for a weigh in on Tuesday so at least I’ll know the news then. “Never give up hope”. And I have a new weight loss buddy to talk to.

Tonight is a nightmare. It is the annual office party. My husband works for a tiny group of people (there are five employees). He makes amazing money doing this for the amount of work he does. This job is sort of a spin off of what he did before he retired. Anyway, this party is always held at this other guy’s house because he is allergic to our cat. This guy is a Disney freak. So we wind up playing Disney games all night. Of course, this man and his wife win all of the games. Now I don’t hate Disney, but it doesn’t figure much in my life. The man who owns this company gives the Disney guy a big allowance for food. So he caters it and then brags about how great the food is.

On a side note, I have to tell you how crazy this guy is. He told us that Steve Jobs wanted him to serve as a pallbearer but he was just too busy. (This man has a problem with reality.) Perhaps this is why the Disney fantasy thing is so attractive.

Now the people at this party all know I have MI. So if I didn’t show they would be fine. But I hate to send my husband alone. Cause this thing sucks. And the big boss is there and he is very nice.

My plan is to get a shower at noon. (It’s ten here.) And then just get dressed to go at six. I think I can do it. I can always drive home and let my husband catch a ride. But you know what? if I feel like shit today? I may just skip the whole thing. I’m doing what I can.

I get angry at myself and at the world. I just want a simple life where I get up and get everything sort of done. Not an award winning person, but just sort of getting through the day. I don’t even think it’s bad to spend the afternoon on the couch reading or napping. But the canceling social events and crap is ridiculous. I might as well just call all of my friends and say “Loved ya, but good luck…I’m out of here!”

But there is hope for the social scene. About October, I decided to have a Christmas open house. It’s the 14th from 3-7. It’s just dessert, snacks, and wine. It’s a chance to see all of my and my husband’s friends at once and get our social obligations taken care of from our side. And the house looks so nice with the tree and all. I will get the kids to help and also the lady that cleans our house. She will come and wash dishes as we go. So I just have to get dressed and smile. I can do that.

This whole cancellation thing with my friends. I think I may try something like this: Let’s say I make arrangements to go to a movie….”Cindy, I am excited to go to the movie with you. But I might cancel due to my depression. I never know how I will feel. Can we make a back-up plan for you in case I cancel? Could we invite a third person or could you maybe plan some fun shopping or whatever as an alternative plan? I just don’t want to strand you.” I’m wondering how people might respond to that.

Anyway, feeling like crap today but wanted to blog. Life really sucks when it is going really well and you should be grateful and happy and you still feel like shit. Good old depression.

hugs,

lily

Edited to add: I got the shower and went to the party. Stayed till 11:30 pm! (Couldn’t escape.) Will tell you about it next time.

What each of us needs to do to aid our own recovery will be different. What each of us is capable of doing to aid our own recovery will be different. What each of us would actually love to do … Continue reading →

So recently, in an attempt to get my physical health under control I’ve gone all uber health freak on my autoimmune disease’s ass.

Raw food. Yep. Quinoa. Yep. Gluten free. Yep. Cutting out all (ok. MOST) packaged foods, caffeine and alcohol. Yep. Making bread. Yep. Milling grains. Yep. You may mock, but it’s pretty much the only control I feel I have over my disease. And I don’t do well when I feel I have no control. AND I feel a whole lot better doing it. Physically the eosinophil infiltration in my gut have gone down. “Keep up the diet!” my immunologist told me. So I shall.

Anyhoo, so the other day I was really craving a chocolate milkshake, so decided to make the next best thing: a raw cacao and banana smoothie. Now I don’t have the best record with smoothies. Sure, they are super healthy for most people. But for me, no matter whether they are green, berry, banana, or cacao, I always seem to end up praying to the porcelain Gods for approximately 48 hours after consumption.

The smoothie of doom.

Did this stop me? No.

The recipe called for a large number of chia seeds, unsoaked, which was kinda weird. But hey, I’m all for trying new things.  I made the stupid smoothie. Took a sip, and almost immediately my tongue and lips started itching and burning.

Hmmm. That’s weird. I thought, trying to SCRATCH my tongue. Never had a tongue itch before. Then I turned the page in my book and in a rather regrettably cavalier fashion took another sip.

The burning got worse, and now even my ears started to feel like they were on fire. Clearly I like to live dangerously so I took another sip.

Then my tongue started swelling up, and I completely flipped out.

Oh my God! I’m having an allergic reaction! My airways are going to get blocked and I’m going to DIE! I randomly ran around the kitchen. Why. I’m not quite sure.

I tried to contact my Mum. Naturally when I called her number, I heard her phone ringing right next to me. Next I sent Hubster a message asking whether he thought I was having an allergic reaction. He suggested it might be hay fever (probably so not to panic me, which didn’t work because news flash: I was panicked). I gave up on Hubster. He wasn’t any use anyway as he was working in the city and I knew he would never get home in time to administer CPR or call a coroner or whatever it was that I was going to need.

I really didn’t know what to do. I have plenty of allergies/intolerances but they tend to affect my gastrointestinal system, not my mouth. So I sat back in an armchair and thought. So, this is how it ends.

Luckily at that moment my Mum arrived. Almost simultaneously my tongue swelling started to go down. I felt a bit silly for the terror I had felt, and was actually pretty glad no one was around to witness my freak out. With venom I chucked out the rest of my smoothie, and went upstairs to lie down.

Then the vomiting started. Then the unbearable pain. I cannot begin to even describe the pain I feel when I eat something I cannot tolerate. But lets just go ahead with BAD. Mum came up with a glass of water and I told her I think I had had an allergic reaction to chia seeds and begrudgingly admitted that I may need to see a doctor.

Just for future note. If you ever want to get in to see your GP super quickly tell them you are having an allergic reaction. They will tell you to go to hospital, but once you convince them that that isn’t going to happen, they will take you in immediately, and you will even get to go and lie down in a germ infested bed as opposed to the germ infested waiting room.

The first thing I asked for was a vomit bag. Then a maxalon injection. My GP came in to see me, the GP who knows ALL about my health troubles. And she was all “Hello Rachael…what have you eaten now?”

“It was the damn chia seeds!” I told her.

“Chia seeds. That’s unusual!” She said.

“Everything about me is unusual!”

They wanted to give me an anti-histamine injection but couldn’t because of the Lithium. Which is pretty much the story of my life. So I had to lay in the bed for ages under observation, listening to an old guy in the bed next to me getting some sort of abscess cut out of his ear.

I must have looked pretty bad at one point because I had the nurse and doctor hovering over me. And the nurse was saying “Rachael? Are you still with us?” I didn’t want to tell them that I was actually trying to meditate, the way I did in labour, to get myself through the pain, and their questions were TOTALLY DISTRACTING ME. So I just muttered a grumpy “Yes. I’m still here.”

After a designated amount of time, Mum and I left the practice, me barely able to walk and clutching the vomit bag. On the way home, without a whole lot of warning, I puked into the bag, which was all very well and good except the BAG HAD A HOLE IN IT. I’m not sure I have ever vomited that much in my life. And believe me. I’m no stranger to the power spew. The holey bag was becoming a major issue.

Mum started winding down the windows and laughing (which she later told me was awkward laughter but at the time felt a trifle unsympathetic), and because I always get the giggles at inappropriate moments too I started laughing. It is almost impossible to laugh and spew at the same time. It was not a pretty sight.

We got home and since I was covered in vomit I was chucked out of the car to dispose of my vomit bag before coming in. I seized the opportunity to throw up in the hedge. I then spent the rest of the evening rolling around in agony and rushing to the toilet.

So, lesson learned. No chia seeds. No smoothies. And if your mouth starts getting itchy after eating, just stop (no matter how good it tastes).

Chia seeds 1: Rachael: 0.