Sunday Blah

I love this quote, but I don’t believe it in the slightest:

‘Redemption – that’s when you buy back all your bad karma – so you can steal heaven.’ – Carol O’Connell

Took the dogs to the beach at 6 this morning, got to get into a routine of doing it early over the holiday season. Came home and had some raspberries and yoghurt … I really am a ton better. Yesterday I gardened and cleaned windows. It’s completely out of character for me btw.

‘Rinpoche. I do not have the strength not to hope.’
‘I wonder about you sometimes,’ Choje said. ‘I worry that you are too hard a seeker.’
Shan nodded sadly. ‘I do not know how not to seek.’
– Eliot Pattison

The only fly in the ointment is wakeful agitation at night. My sleep hygiene is good, so it ain’t that. If I distract myself by reading it’s ok, but jeeeeez I have to read a lot to avoid the intrusive thoughts (maybe flight of ideas too). As much as I love reading, I’d love to get some more sleep. I’m not good enough at meditating to avoid my own mind when it’s revving so high. Worry, anger, grief – bangbangbang through my head like  underground trains. I’m seeing my psychiatrist later in the week though, so there’s no panic attached.

A note for myself, 4 months after diagnosis:

Meds recap:
Cipramil, Seroquel
Cipramil, Lithium
Serdep, Lithium
Serdep, Lithium, Wellbutrin
Serdep, Wellbutrin, Lamotrigine

Bacon defrosts faster if you glare angrily at it, right?

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