Daily Archives: November 28, 2014

Why I Dislike Children

Most of the time honestly it’s the parenting. The parents allow the children to run all over the place and just do whatever they like. It’s not true for all kids of course but it seems to be a growing trend. If I behaved the way the kids do nowadays I would have gotten my ass whooped. Kids aren’t afraid of consequences for their bad behaviour now.

Another reason I donlt like children is they are walking talking bundles of ick. Carrying around multiple illnesses just waiting to pass it on to the next person. My immune system is shitty since I am not exposed to most things most people are. That’s what happens when you don’t socialize with the public very often. Yet every single bug my nieces and nephews picks up ends up here at home since my MIL watches them every day.

Right now it is a 24 hour bug that has everyone spewing fluids from both ends and just generally having the worse heartburn you’ve ever had. My MIL was up all night with it and today I just feel like I am on the edge of it. I have the heartburn from hell and what feels like a giant air bubble filling my insides but luckily everything has remained inside.so far. If it is going to get worse I hope that it does it sooner rather than later. Spending the day in bed just waiting for something to happen sucks.

I know it’s not a hangover because I sobered up before bed and drank a ton of water, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I swear I spend my whole life waiting for everything, how mundane.

Anyhow that is just some reasons I dislike children. I’m super glad I have dogs, even if they do chew my pillows and piss on the floor.

NAMI Advocacy Update

Received this NAMI Advocacy Update email on November 25, 2014:

Congress Begins Post-Election “Lame Duck” Session Congress has returned for a post-election “lame duck” session. Their main task is to complete work on 2015 spending bills before the Dec. 11th expiration of the current continuing resolution (a temporary funding measure that is keeping the government open until a full-year “omnibus appropriations” can be enacted).Another major issue is whether or not Congress will enact that omnibus appropriations bill authorizing funding for the remaining months of FY 2015 (which actually began back onOct. 1) or whether Congress will instead pass a continuing resolution or CR that would keep current FY 2014 funding levels in place through Sep. 30, 2015.This decision willhave a significant impact for a number of importantNAMI priorities. For example, a CR wouldpreserve the current FY 2014 budget  at $1.41 billion for the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and would stop Congress from enacting the $23 million increase requested by the President. In addition, the President’s BRAIN Initiative (unveiled in April 2013) would NOT receive a proposed $40 million boost, up to $100 million.Action Needed on Funding for Supportive Housing 

During this lame duck session, Congress has one last opportunity to include increases for permanent supportive housing programs targeted to people living with serious mental illness that experience chronic homelessness or are living in restrictive settings. NAMI is urging Congress to support specific increases proposed by President Obama for FY 2015 including:

  1. $25 million for the HUD Section 811 Project-Based Rental Assistance (PRA) program, boosting funding to $160 million, and
  2. $301 million for the McKinney-Vento Homeless Assistance Act, boosting funding to $2.406 million and placing the program back on track to end chronic homeless in 2017.

Write your member of Congress to support these important programs today!

The Health Insurance Marketplace is Open

If you don’t have health insurance or are looking for more affordable health insurance and haven’t looked at the Health Insurance Marketplace―open enrollment is the time to look. Health insurance can be complicated. If you or your family member needs help understanding your options, Healthcare.gov can help.

The Kaiser Family Foundation also put together some great resources including a videoexplaining health insurance and a calculator you can use to figure out about how much health insurance will cost for you if you buy it through the Health Insurance Marketplace.

It is important that people living with mental illness enroll in the right level of coverage. Enrollment assisters need information to help people identify health plans that cover the person’s providers and therapies. The National Disability Navigator Resource Collaborative has developed a guide, fact sheets and state specific information to help individuals with disabilities-including mental illness- get a health plan that covers their needs.

Bright Spot: NAMI California

NAMI California has built a network of people living near the state capitol―the Capitol Coalition― to advocate on mental health issues by giving testimony before the legislature, attending policy meetings, and following regulatory agencies. This network uses the NAMI Smarts for Advocacy training to shape their personal narrative so their stories are articulate, brief and compelling. In response to this highly successful network, legislative staff said that NAMI California’s footprint grows with each passing opportunity, and that the Capitol Coalition are relied upon for their clear and certain perspective.

Cheers to these wonderful California mental health advocates!

Read NAMI California’s Briefing Book that helps inform the Capitol Coalition.

(Above: Some of the NAMI California Capitol Coalition.)

Filed under: Mental Health, NAMI Tagged: Health Insurance, NAMI, public policy advocacy

New Psychiatrist

Anxiety high, I met my new psychiatrist for the first time. My previous psychiatrist (Dr. M) had accepted a position out of town and had therefore referred me to another psychiatrist, Dr. G. You see, I had become quite comfortable. I had been with Dr. M for seven years – a long time in this field. And not only that, I liked him. I really liked him. We had built quite a rapport. He was one of the good ones. The one that encourages you to call if there’s a problem. The one who takes considerable time with you at every appointment. The one who even brings in your husband and talks to him periodically and as needed. He was not only my psychiatrist, but he was also more like a therapist – a rarity to be found. A real gem.

Enter Dr. G. I had heard many horror stories about psychiatrists. How most of them just ask you the standard questions, give you five minutes of their time, and show you on your way packing a prescription. What if Dr. G was like that? How would I adjust? How would I cope? What would I do? It had taken me five months to get an appointment with Dr. G. (Dr. M had left me with six months worth of repeats on my prescriptions.)

Anxiety reduced – I instantly liked him. I’m not sure why, but he had a likeable way about him and showed me respect. He had my file from Dr. M and had already reviewed it. Having said that he began to take his own personal and medical history of me. He was thorough. He reviewed my prescription history and we talked about medications in length. I expressed concern over one drug and he agreed to start reducing the dosage with a mind to discontinuing it. We spent an hour together. He, too, encouraged me to call if I needed him before my next appointment. Time will tell, but overall, I think I’ve hit it lucky again.

Hell In Human Skin

I heard that term on a show describing mental illness…hell in human skin. I like it. It’s very apt.
This post is not to bitch about the latest mood swing or anxiety attack. Yesterday, while stressful and full of little minefields that could have gone off, is gone and I survived.

What is filling my mind now are the knots of emotion that I find so hard to sort and assign importance to. I’m damaged, I know this. I have many many issues. My thinking is not always logical.
But at which point do you stop invalidating yourself and taking all responsibility for everything around you and face facts…
Some people are just toxic.

To gain clarity, I have been reading sites about manipulative people, how to spot them, how to handle them, what to ask yourself in regards to the relationship to gauge whether your are being overreactive or illogical.
The bottom line is…
Some people just really need to wear skull and cross bone labels because while they put on a wonderful facade of decency…They are just poisonous to the bone.
When someone makes demands of you but gets pissed when you expect the same in return…TOXIC.
When you realize the relationship is one sided rather than two sided, that person is TOXIC.
When every interaction leaves you walking away, feeling disrespected and dismissed, the person is TOXIC.
When you ask for the opinion of another who has seen the way the toxic person has treated you and they agree you’re not being unreasonable…
It’s time to reassess, for the thousandth time, exactly what the toxic person brings to your life you actually can’t live without.

This is where hell really is in human skin. You’re torn between wanting to believe the toxic person means well but lacks the emotional intelligence to realize how horrible they can really be.
You want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
You want to be wrong, for them to be worthwhile.
You don’t want to think they view you as so insignificant that the poor treatment could be anything other than your own neuroses distorting a well adjusted relationship.

I think, though, after giving this person nearly 20 years to prove they are more than the sum of their own egomania and arrogance…Maybe it really is time to reevaluate. Again. Because it’s always that tiny smidge of me that pulls away then gets sucked back in, all the while thinking, it’s just me, maybe things have changed, et al…
I’ve changed.
He has not.
And the fact is,while his friendship can make my life easier at times…I’m not sure it’s worth the emotional toll.
Though from the view point of a writer needing research on a sociopathic narcissist with no self awareness and little conscience all the while putting on a socially acceptable facade…It’s quite fascinating, like a Ted Bundy minus the murders. Charisma blinds people to the truth. Fallacy becomes fact. Anyone who questions the mask the masses believe is real becomes the unstable one.
Fascinating to study. Not fun to deal with.
Less fun is to realize how the person manipulates you, plays on your kindness and feelings, and makes you out to be the monster taking advantage of them.
I’ve wondered if I keep this person around as punishment for who I used to be prior to the mood stabilizers. Back when the manias and lows made me seem like a manipulative monster. Subjecting myself to a similar monster to atone.

Hell in human skin. It’s apt.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to human behavior. One person’s “atrocious behavior” might entail using the wrong dinner fork while another’s might consider skewering puppies acceptable.
I guess what it boils down to is what you as an individual can live with.

I have redeemed myself enough to deserve a modicum of respect, so being associated with someone who makes me feel so disrespected and disposable really seems beneath me.
At the same time…meeting someone so fabulous fucked up and not even smart enough to realize how much of a hot mess they are…Well, you can’t create characters that disturbingly fascinating. The writer in me wants to cling and gather more data and create the next Hannibal Lecter. The murderous part will be the only fiction.
I also have this deeply disturbed pathos in me that loves to watch the mighty (even if only mighty in their own minds) fall.
For all the times I was falling apart and no one had the time or patience or even cared enough to listen.
For every time my problems have been back shelved to make time for the problems of another who never had time to reciprocate.

Knowing where all the bodies are buried is a powerful feeling. Knowing you can go digging them up at any time, and basically bring someone’s world crashing down around them…
Yeah, I’m a bit sociopathic.
We all are, if anyone ever had the courage to face the truth.

Toxic people. Hell in human skin.
Decisions, decisions.

I think I shall learn from past mistakes and just step back. Watch. Wait. Gather data. If nothing else, this person is good for entertainment on occasion.

The biggest thing to all of it is…I finally admit, I won’t wither away without this “friendship” in my life.
This is my choice.
I want to choose wisely, not just because I’m feeling pissy or getting mixed signals.
When the ties are severed…

I need time to decide whether to use scissors or a chainsaw.

Shame I’m not homicidal. I’d make an excellent segment on Deadly Women.

~ Sister! Oh Sister! ~

Originally posted on Poet's Corner:
? If tears could resurrect Sister! Oh sister! What a paean of joy Would burst through My very soul, Resounding throughout The valley below! My eyes no longer Behold your beauty My ears The tenderness In your voice Severed are we Throughout eternity Long, warm tears Have watered The…


When I’m depressed and psychotic, I usually hear music. When I’m manic, I tap my feet to it.