I’m wasting time, but I don’t know what else to do with it.
My psychiatrist emailed today, asking if I wanna increase my Wellbutrin dose. I’ve mailed back to ask if she means it or Serdep (Zoloft). She said she thinks my mood will shift ‘soon’.
Rx: 1000mg Lithium, 150mg Wellbutrin, 100mg Serdep
And I told her again how down I am and that I’ve been hearing music for most of the past week or so.
Thanks for the comments on the previous post, hopefully I answered them here.
“Let’s talk about sex baby, Let’s talk about you and me. Lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be Lets talk about sex”. Lyrics from a song released back in 1991 by Salt n … Continue reading
Yesterday I attended the IBPF (International Bipolar Foundation) Annual West Coast Meeting – Consumer Track. The one-day consumer track meeting covered quite a bit which I outline here, providing links to more information.
Professor of Psychiatry, Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, UCLA Semel Institute, David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA, and Department of Psychiatry, Oxford University
The 8 Self-Care Principles
Adjunct Faculty Instructor, Rutgers/Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, Psychiatry.
Genevieve Green, 20-year-old mental health activist and public speaker, and Lynn Hart Muto, IBPF Board Secretary and one of IBPF’s founders, gave their perspectives as consumer and caregiver and answered questions.
Maricela Estrada has written Bipolar Girl: My Psychotic Self, is publishing Beautiful Bipolar Bisexual, and blogs at mentalhealthinspiration.blogspot.com. She was a patient of the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health for ten years. Now she works as a Medical Case Worker helping patients with Prevention and Early Intervention.
Los Angeles Department of Mental Health Access Line (24/7): 1 (800) 854-7771
Milestones of Recovery Scale (MORS): Mental health recovery is non-linear.
Medical Director of IBPF and psychiatrist in private practice in San Diego. He specializes in general and neuropsychiatry treating children, adolescents and adults, but is especially esteemed for his work with patients with bipolar disorder.
Dr. Jennifer Bahr is a licensed naturopathic doctor who specializes in natural treatments for mental illness and endocrine disorders. For more information about her practice in San Diego, visit drjenniferbahr.com.
Focus on Right/Healthful Decisions
Acceptance – Not perfect all the time
Panel discussion led by siblings Jake Roberts and Kayte Roberts addressed addiction and recovery from addiction, co-occurrence of mental illness and addiction, and genetic roots of addiction and mental illness.
Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.
Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more. In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.
We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.
Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,
Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).
I was doing okay for a day or so. Not up. Not down. Apathetic and functioning would be the appropriate description. The racing thoughts and inability to concentrate and follow through have reached fever pitch. I have done very little all weekend aside from child and cat care and cooking meals.
I’m not feeling it.
And while I feel a little slothful…I truly don’t care, never have. Housework is not high on my priority list. Short of rodents crawling on the counter, I sincerely doubt some dirty dishes and laundry that needs folded will cause the world to implode.
This is the price for functionality that lasts more than two hours.
There was no trigger. Nothing bad happened. It just…hit me like a speeding train and once again,SPLAT.
I became overreactive, super sensitive, and my anxiety put a hole in the roof.
This shit sucks. Splat syndrome is not my favorite.
I feel lost. My mind is just…present and yet…unable to pull a single thought from the traffic ham in my head. At this point, I want to curl up and go to sleep. Except I’m not tired, I just want to escape this mind frame. Sooner rather than later.
Shrink’s office called today to tell me my doc will be out all week and they needed to reschedule me, was I doing ok. NO, I am NOT fucking okay. I think it’s borderline malpractice to send a known depressive with seasonal affect disorder to an appointment three months away and then try to delay it longer.
I emphasized that I need to see someone, so Wednesday I will face the telepsychiatry screen with the male doctor on staff.
Maybe he will be more focused on helping me feel better than dismissing me as some histrionic who needs to make her shrink happy by faking being well.
I won’t hold my breath.
I don’t get it. How I go from up high, to so low, to the middle, to angry, to tearful and sad…in the blink of an eye. It’s like how I felt when I was pregnant and under attack from all the hormones. I could go from zero to bitch to weepy needy girl in a split second. At least cyclothymia gives you a heads up on occasion. You can feel the storm moving in, feel yourself sinking in the emotional quicksand.
Except I am no longer getting the heads up. I ponder if my mood stabilizer is conking out on me.
I was interested in Latuda until I researched the possible side effects. I can live with many annoyances but the lethargy and sleepiness are a deal breaker. I have to be conscious and lucid to care for my kid or write or do the things I enjoy. I cannot risk narcolepsy by meds. Not to mention it’s unhealthy when you sleep 12 plus hours a day as a side effect from medication. That’s not dealing with the issue, that’s just avoiding it for the wonderful peace of sleep.
Been there, bought the t shirt, burned it, and had a priest exorcise the ashes.
Is it so wrong for me to want an even keel that lasts more than a few hours or a day or two? I am not expecting meds to change my problems. To be happy pills. I just want some fucking stability so my reactions to the roller coaster ride are in proportion and not blown up into some cataclysmic event.
Earlier, the mood dipped so low, I started remember an episode of CSI where a guy stuck a knife in a closet door hinge, then backed into it repeatedly to kill himself and make it look like a murder.
I’m not a suicidal person, so it’s disturbing such a thought would occur to me.
I think it’s a panic response to such a sudden tumble down the mood staircase. Frustration makes you desperate, depression makes everything seem so bleak and dark and hopeless…You reach for anything that might make the pain end.
I made a pact with myself in the hell of high school that I would never kill myself since my detractors liked to joke about voting me most likely to commit suicide. It’s a vow I plan on keeping.
Doesn’t stop the twisted mind from dreaming up fucked up scenarios in which their might be some escape
What pisses me off the most of all…Is in 12 hours, I probably won’t even remember why my mood was so low. By Wednesday when the doctor sees me, I could be manic.
No fucking stability.
And little fucking help or support because they consider cyclothymia very mild and easy to manage.
Which is asinine as Scientology’s alien god.
Okay, I’ve taken venting into ranting territory.
Stick a form in me, I’m done.
On second thought, use a sharpened metal spork. I want my death to be memorable.
That’s a joke, btw.