I’m lost. I can’t see anything in front of me, except darkness. The weight on my chest is unbearable and I can no longer breathe. I’m drowning, mired in this metaphorical ocean of instability. Most of the time, I can reach out for something to cling to. A tiny sense of hope. At that moment, I know that if I could just get this, this and this to follow through, everything will be OK.
Today, there is no “this” and there certainly isn’t any hope. It’s such a simple thing, really. A small mistake that has spread like a disease. I’ve been awake most of the night trying to find a solution, and I am afraid I have not been successful. For once in my life, I can’t think my way out of it.
I’m so tired and so sad. Why does it seem as if no matter how hard I try, I can’t get ahead of it all? Am I having a pity party? I don’t know. Whose business is it, really? If you aren’t paying my bills, or taking care of my family, I don’t care about your opinions. I just wish I could find the strength to swim to shore, and find my way out of this mess.
I spend so much time trying to help others so that they don’t have to follow my path, and go through these feelings of defeat, fear…failure. I would love to be able to talk myself down from the ledge. It’s 2:58 am, and here I’m stuck in every way. I don’t think I can find a positive message to end this post with. At this point in my life, nothing seems the least bit positive.
I have no answers to any of these questions, and for a person with control issues, that is a terrifying experience. All I can ask is that I at least make it out of this in one piece. I’m going to try, but whatever strength I had has long since left me.
Be well, my friends.