Daily Archives: November 2, 2014

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

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The Storm Is Brewing

Two days of stability…
I thought I was in for a third. I got up today, I did dishes, started laundry…
And then from out of nowhere…crash crash burn.
I am seeing red. I can’t explain the anger. It came from out of nowhere. It’s not mere irritation. This is blinding hot anger. I am seriously feeling pissed off. I’ve contemplated getting some alcohol just to get the emotion to pipe down. Because when I get tempestuous this way…It’s just a matter of time before I start speaking up and burning bridges.
Some things making me mad are little things that I probably won’t even recall later.
Some things…have been building up for weeks. I’ve tried to speak up and met with…people who are brick walls. That pisses me off. It hurts me to say, “I’m drowning here, I can’t carry any more weight” and just be blown off by well meaning people who are too self absorbed to get it.
I have no desire to be hurtful.
But trying to tiptoe around is not accomplishing fuck all.
So I continue to stew and it’s building up and one day it’s gonna blow like a powder keg. I’ll be dealing emotional shrapnel for a long time to come if it comes to that.
And it doesn’t need to be that way.
Isn’t it customary that when someone reaches out repeatedly and talks to you plainly, concisely…you comprehend what they are saying, face how your behavior is making them feel, and take steps to improve the situation?
I guess that requires an emotional IQ high enough of self awareness.
Smart people often lack common sense and emotional intelligence.

I am just exhausted from trying to have empathy and patience but nothing ever changes no matter how many times I voice my concerns and feelings. I’m told things will change. They never do. And right back to square one I go.
The anger is a poison filling my veins and dissolving my internal organs. It started out as hurt feelings but the longer it’s been blown off…The more it has turned to sheer venom.

I am enabling those around me to hurt me.
Maybe change has to take place and the onus is on me to make it happen.
I did take that first step last night. I’ve had a friend on line for five years now who presented as one thing- thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, creative, funny…And quickly decided that’s not who they are, they are happier being shallow and vapid and insensitive and expecting me to follow suit. And if I didn’t, then I was a rejecting bitch.
After biting my tongue the last year…
I ripped the band aid off and just said how I felt.
Knowing how fragile and vindictive this person is, I’m sure I’ve opened a can of worms, but geesh. When a conversation, if you can call it that, makes you feel like your IQ has dropped fifty points…ENOUGH. I’ve walked on eggshells to accommodate this person’s quirks and damages and what they like. I’ve sacrificed my own identity and what I like and what I have going on in my life because it makes this person bored, uneasy, jealous…I tried.
I want to see the good in people.
Sometimes, it’s just buried under too many layers of bullshit, denial, and honestly, “spoiled adult brat syndrome.”

This is how I discern mood swings that turn into anger from genuine problems for me. I bite my tongue, ride out the mood, and wait until I am in a clearer frame of mind. If it’s still hurting me, bothering me, or otherwise front and center on my mind days later…It’s not some passing mood fancy.

Much as I don’t want to hurt anyone, burn bridges, or be unfair…I’m tired of being ignored and blown off. I am not insignificant and my problems are no less important than theirs. The kid gloves have to come off. Time to rip the band aid off. It’s going to hurt a lot worse if I keep bottling it and eventually erupt.
I don’t look forward to this, at all.
Having a spotlight shone on things you’re not ready to face is grueling.
But if it’s been broached numerous times and you continue to bury your head in the sand, to the detriment of someone you allegedly care about…
Maybe it’s time to risk burning bridges, if it means bringing about much needed change. Often, the wake up call we all need comes in a painful way. It’s happened to me many times and it was exactly what I needed to get me to come out of my “deer in the headlights” paralysis. People have not coddled me.
Time to return the favor.

It just hurts that it’s come to this. I tried to talk. I tried to be sensitive and empathetic. Things have gotten worse rather than better.
My priorities have to be my child and myself.
Having warm fuzzy feelings for others doesn’t make the problem go away. And if they won’t take off the blinders…Guess it’s up to me to yank them off.

Just not today. I am far too wired on anger today. I am so wired on it, I can’t focus on watching shows, reading, writing…It’s consuming me like a wildfire. This is not the time to open cans of worms.

I just feel like once the storm passes…If something is still problematic, stressful, and hurtful for me…
The time has come to issue ultimatums.
Or part company.

A thought I had three years ago and wrote on index cards to remind myself of this fact…
One can never become more if not strong enough to face that which makes them lesser.

Slowing Down

  Over the past few weeks  I’ve noticed bloggers are taking hiatuses or giving up blogging.  Reasons for this include S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder), blogging burn-out, and depression to name a few.  Some bloggers disappear without any reason, of course, … Continue reading

The Unintentional Addict

Last night I was having a whinge about my pain levels/ never ending fever/ fatigue, because quite frankly it is getting incredibly annoying. By my intense Google research I have narrowed down the reason for my general craptivity to:

1) a fairly normal recovery from an Autoimmune disease, or;
2) A very rare and potentially deadly form of Leukemia

Dr. Google is always incredibly comforting.

Anyway, so my Mum told me she had some “special mushrooms” that might be able to help me with my pain and fatigue.

This wasn’t exactly what I expected….


Because really…what DO you expect when someone offers you “Special Mushrooms”? Even if it is your mother. And a naturopath.

The truth is, aside from my mother, no one has ever offered me special mushrooms, or any other type of illicit substance. I never had my opportunity to “Just Say No”, and on the few and far between circumstances where in a young and fancy free (ok. manic) state I asked my *connected* friends for a hit of something, their response was somewhere along the lines of “absolutely no way.” Everything I know about drugs has been learned via a combination of my “Substance Abuse 101″ Psychology class and Breaking Bad.

Of course I drink alcohol, and I did smoke once (but that was a complete disaster which involved me taking a puff then collapsing in a coughing fit before shouting out “You do this for FUN?!”) I guess I was kind of a “good girl”. And lets face it, I don’t NEED drugs to get high or hallucinate. No, my bipolar brain can do that all by itself ;)

So how the hell am I an addict now?

I don’t smoke dope. I don’t shoot heroin. I don’t snort crack. I don’t even know if I am using the right vernacular and/or slang for these things. But I do medicate. Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.

And I do know what Morphine withdrawal is like. And Benzo withdrawal. And SSRI withdrawal. The best two words to describe all of these experiences is: Fucking Awful. Skin crawling, vomiting, dizziness, aches, fevers, Christ. I didn’t even want to take these drugs, yet when the withdrawal started I was practically begging my nurses for an Oxycodeine or two to soothe the pain. God knows what it would be like if you had a psychological addiction as well as physiological.

My unintended morphine addiction was one of the most difficult to kick. Especially since I was still in high levels of pain. I cut down and cut down and finally ditched the drugs then immediately had major surgery and hooked up to morphine again. Fantastic!

Even now, although I’m off *most* of the highly addictive stuff, I still take a colourful concoction of pills each day. My pharmacist and I are on first name basis. He gives me drugs, I give him money, he’s practically my glorified dealer. I HATE that I’m physiologically addicted to a variety of substances. But I don’t have any choice. We’ve seen how me being unmedicated goes down.

Society approves the drugs I am on. Society PUSHES the drugs I am on. 1 in 4 of us take anti – depressants. My drugs are made in a lab in California  instead of someones backyard. But they are psychoactive – which means MIND ALTERING. Is being on a mind altering substance for years that potentially has serious long term effects on your health at a time *really* any better than smoking a joint at a party? I don’t know.

I’m not glorifying recreational drugs, and I’m not trivialising addiction. “Real” hardcore addiction. In fact, the major thing I would like to point out here is that, although I am physiologically addicted to these medications, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THEM. I KNOW how difficult it is to withdraw from medication on a physiological level. Adding psychological addiction to the mix – I don’t know how I would cope.

But like it or not, I am still an unintentional addict to a mix of psychoactive drugs. Every blood test I have I wait for the news that my Lithium has screwed my Thyroid up and I will have to go on yet more medication. I panic if I run out of Lorazapam because I know I won’t sleep. There is no end date for my medication regime. Bipolar 1 doesn’t just get better. I know the nasty long term effects of my medication. But I take it anyway.

I never thought I would be chemically dependant. I never thought I would be an addict – even if it is unintentionally.

But, seriously, who does INTEND to be an addict? Do we sit down one day, and while contemplating the universe, suddenly proclaim “Gee… being an addict sounds all kinds of awesome. Now what will I become addicted to? Heroin? Coke? Food? Sex? SSRI’S?” Is that the way this works?

If so. Life achievement. Unlocked.

11 Celebrities with Bipolar Disorder

Came across this list want wanted to share. Mel Gibson is on there. Not thrilled to have his as an example of Bipolar


Getting Drunk Didn’t Help

While last night seemed like a great idea. I’m lucky I didnt wake up with a hangover. I am still bitchy and touchy and all it did was grant me a small reprieve from the stresses of everyday life.

Having all the nephews and niece over reinforced the fact that I dont really dig kids and glad hubby and I stuck to dogs. The can be a pain but you can leave them on their own and they dont talk.

I know I am supposed to socialize more but I think it is going to be hard to find people who feel similar to me.

They still haven’t started the framing on the house and it is driving me bananas.

I’m just generally pissed and frustrated with everything.