In Memoriam
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Daily Archives: October 22, 2014
When MUSIC ATTACKS!
This isn’t a bash Beyoncé post, because I love Beyoncé, but this is a post that is going to sound pretty weird… I hate this song because I am NOT FLAWLESS. AT ALL. I woke up like this: Songs nowadays make you want to be this AWESOME I DON’T NEED NO ONE NOTHING IS …
Staying Inspired
Trying to stay positive and inspired, especially now since I’m not on any meds(I know….I know…). Here is a graphic I have that I am pulling out again..
Trying To Love Myself
I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.
I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?
Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.
I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.
Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.
Writer’s Block
Every now and then, I wake up in the morning really feeling the need to put words to paper. I imagine what the topic will be, or the way the first sentence will read. It feels good. Like a power that I can harness on my laptop using Microsoft Word. Then, I sit down at my desk, turn on the computer and stare at a blank screen for half an hour.
Sometimes I feel almost as if one of the great literary works of our time is going to come flowing from my mind and into my working fingers. I imagine a happiness that above all else and despite any obstacles I have attained due to my incredible knack for the written word.
Then my brain replies back, “Yeah…not so much”. It isn’t as if I can’t think of a single thing to write about. I have too much to write about and no clear cut way of making any sense in the process. I often refer to it as writer’s block. Is that it, or is it just one more way that my depression keeps me from happiness.
If you look up “racing thoughts” online, you will often be directed to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I know and understand that this is part of my diagnosis. It is categorized by excessive, out-of-control worrying about every day things. Are my racing thoughts about all of my possible writing topics really just me worrying about anything and everything?
It doesn’t feel that way in the moment, but perhaps it’s something that I need to consider.
The most difficult part of this condition is the desire to just give up if I can’t calm the images in my mind. It’s too hard, so I give up writing that day. Maybe that is the best solution to help preserve my sanity. Those of us experiencing depression on a daily basis already have so much to struggle with. I don’t think I need to add something that will send the pile spilling over into oblivion.
The most difficult part of this condition is the desire to just give up if I can’t calm the images in my mind. It’s too hard, so I give up writing that day. Maybe that is the best solution to help preserve my sanity. Those of us experiencing depression on a daily basis already have so much to struggle with. I don’t think I need to add something that will send the pile spilling over into oblivion.
I have been asked to guest blog for a few different websites. I want to do it with every fiber of my being. However, the fear is always inside of me…what if I can’t keep up? I went years without writing a single word on a piece of paper. Suppose I fall back into the same pattern, and I can’t fulfill my obligations? It terrifies me. I am all too aware that this fear will eventually lead to feelings of failure.
I don’t ever want this disease to become the excuse that keeps me from real life. On good days, I want to conquer the world. On bad days, I need to take one step at a time, feeling lucky if I remember to eat. I long to find a balance. So, I will take each day as it comes. Hope for more good than bad, and figure it out as I go. I plan on looking back at each chapter, paragraph and sentence as me overcoming my fear of the unknown.
I think I can be happy with that for now.
Posted in Read Along
More of my wife’s art
Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:
songtothesirens:Paintings from the quite talented wife of Opinionated Man Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy: View originalFiled under: beauty, Bipolar Disorder, inspiration Tagged: Art Work, Painting
Posted in Read Along
my name is…
do you know who i am…
i am that nagging little voice in your head, the thing that feeds that buzzing anxiety below your skin. i tug at your nerve endings until you trust no one. i cause your anxiety to soar as high as the sky and convince you bad things are going to happen..and you buy it without needing proof or having any solid doubt. i am anxiety disorder.
do you know who i am…
i am the monster under your bed, that lives inside your head. i distort reality. i amp up your emotions and cloud your logic. i feed you misinformaton and you have no choice but to believe it and act on it. you are told to suck it up, snap out of it, regulate your emotions. people think you are lazy, crazy, too needy, too emotional…you feel your life is pointless, that you are invalid as a person. people around you don’t seem to disagree.
i laugh at them and i laugh at you.
i am depression.
do you know who i am…
i am that head in the clouds sensation bubbling in your bone marrow that tells you that you are ten feet tall and bullet proof. i make you feel invincible, magnetic, funny, charismatic…i don’t even allow you to realize that you are being annoying, irresponsible, wacky, unstable, maybe even a danger to yourself…you feel so good, i convince you that you feel that good…and you believe it. you have no clue you are burning bridges with your crazy behavior. the people around you, so used to you being down in the dumps, are more than happy to accept you being happy even if deep down, they know it’s not you. i stand back and chuckle as i watch you fly high, knowing it will not last. you’re too far gone to notice. when logic tugs at your mind, i am there to replace to it with imbalanced and improper emotions that cause gross overreactions or underreactions.
i am mania.
do you know who i am…
i am the calm before the storms. i am the stable periods, where things are clear, you have hope, and you function in a way other people do. i may last a day or a week or a month or even an hour. i am the tease. i am the place where you want to be the most and yet i am metered out in tiny little spurts at odd intervals.
i am stability.
did you know…
we are all one and the same. we are bipolar disorder. we are anxiety disorder. we are depression. we are mental illness.
no need to worry about monsters in the closet or under the bed.
just the ones that live in your own head.
Posted in Read Along
Could Your Birth Season Cause Mood Disorder?
Researchers from Budapest, Hungary are presenting a study which links birth season with temperament. The study shows that people born at certain times of year may have a greater chance of developing certain types of affective temperaments, which in turn can lead to mood disorders (affective disorders). Now, I must offer full disclosure here. I […]
The post Could Your Birth Season Cause Mood Disorder? appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.
Posted in Read Along
Sex, if you there, say something!!!
I am going through something that has been bothering me for a looooonnnnggggg time. Sex. I am having so much trouble feeling sexually toward myself or my husband that I blame him for my problems. Last night we got into a fight because he told me that I never do anything sexually, and if I’m …
Having A “Severe” Psychiatric Disorder Is Lonely Business
This is something the doctors do not tell you when you are diagnosed. Being, or rather, having Bipolar Disorder is a lonely thing to have. I do not know if I have chosen solitude because I have no problems with telling people I have Bipolar, or if people just sense something is off about me, […]
Posted in Read Along
HyperBrain
No, I’m not manic or even hypomanic, but my mind has been spinning since last week. Everything from coming to terms with the death of my coworker to ideas on how to get back on track with my diet to post ideas. I’m also still in the midst of trying to solve the problem of my intractable migraines. I underwent a home sleep study to determine if I have sleep apnea, which my doctor believes may be contributing to my migraines. I never really thought I snored, and it’s not like I can really call my ex-fiancee and ask him if I snore, but the sleep study showed I do, in fact, have trouble breathing. The test results were deemed inconclusive, however, and now I have to go through a monitored sleep study. At least it’s not painful, but you certainly don’t rest too easily with all kinds of wires attached to you.
As far as post ideas are concerned, I have a few ideas knocking around my head, still really trying to flesh them out. I try to write about all kinds of things, but sometimes the ideas become too big or elaborate and they get away from me. I have been reading the amazing writing of Esme Weijun Wang (www.esmewang.com) and her fluid, nearly poetic style always gets me jazzed about writing more. I encourage you to read her blog and take note of the photos she uses that showcase normal daily objects and scenes yet they somehow look otherworldly.
My emotional overeating has plateaued, triggered by stress at work. One unfortunate side effect of my medications is that I have gained weight. It’s not much, maybe 4 or 5 lbs, but I don’t want it to get out of control. I was starting to really beat myself up over it and then I decided to cut myself some slack. True, I need to get the emotional eating under control, but berating myself might trigger another episode, or worse yet, an episode of self harm.
Finally, as autumn truly arrives, I find myself feeling nostalgic and sentimental. I long to spend time with family, to have a refresher course on crocheting with my grandmother, to hike with my aunt, to watch endless hours of football on the reclining couch with my dad. I know this sentimentality/nostalgia partly stems from the death of my coworker. You remember how precious life is, and tangible items, things you can see and hold and feel take on a special and nearly mystical meaning. Sometimes the sentimental feeling makes you realize all you’ve lost and other times it helps you embrace all you still have. I hope to write more about this later, but I need to do a little picture taking first.
As always, please feel free to comment and thank you for reading!
Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: health, migraines, pain, writing 
Posted in Read Along
