Daily Archives: October 13, 2014


After two days of vegetation (and I mean, I did nothing but take care of my kid and cats) I sprang back today. In spite of the day three or four of rainy gloom. Laundry folded, rooms vacuumed, cat boxes scooped, bedding changed. After two and a half days of saying “I’m gonna” yet never working up the energy or the whole give a fuck thing..I showered. Even bathed my kid.
Now I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I am trying to get back into writing because while blogging is sort of writing, it’s not the kind I truly enjoy. Because I’m never talking anything happy, the whole point is to give an accurate depiction of what life with these disorders is. And the happy days are few and far between and while noteworthy, they are definitely rarities. So blogging becomes about the harsh realities of mental illness. My writing I enjoy, FICTION, is an escape into a world without bills that can’t be paid, head lice, bugs, a mom who tells me I’m an unfit parent…In my fiction I can become enveloped in something else entirely and it makes me happy and gives me a purpose to power through the grind of the life that is mine.

Thing is…I’m still sweating this lice thing even though I think we’re getting it under control. The truth will come tomorrow when I take her to her school nurse (at the building proper, which I am unfamiliar with and scared to death of.) Last year, they sent us home three times because I suck at seeing tiny things and apparently just plain suck, period. I’d like to think I can’t be faulted for trying but, c’mon…In this world, effort isn’t really counted, that’s just something they tell small kids in school so they don’t stop trying. Adults know effort counts for fuck all, you either get it right or you’re a fuck up. Which is why so many of us end up phoning it in on everything, no use busting your ass if you just never measure up.
Still, I keep trying, because short of dying, there’s no excuse for me not to keep trying. The uterus served its function and I have to live for my kid even if some days, she calls me a horrible beast.
One more thing I suck at-self pep talks.

But I am going to the shop tomorrow which while nothing to write home about, it gets me out of the house and hopefully the school will take my kid back (sorry, Bex, if they don’t you’re taking another bullet.) Just want to get back to some half ass semblance of routine and normalcy. As normal as it gets in mood swing land, anyway.
Light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe.
Hope springs eternal, blah blah blah.

Trust Issues

Have I ever mentioned that I have trust issues?

It’s not difficult to figure out where they came from. It goes back to earliest childhood, when I was cared for and loved by my sister and grandmother rather than my mother. I wanted to trust her; of course, being a child I didn’t understand why I couldn’t, or why she couldn’t love me the way I needed. But it set the stage for a lifelong distrust of people, and it’s taken me years to learn how to go through life without putting my head down and my fists up.

I don’t even trust myself half the time, and the other half of the time I can’t be trusted. This is not undeserved; after all, one should not trust me to drive when I’m manic, or to have access to a big bottle of controlled substances when I’m depressed. I also cannot be trusted not to throw a screaming fit out in front of a packed restaurant in the pouring rain or behave myself when someone is taunting me, even though neither of the above has happened in a long time. I know when the kids were growing up, the family walked on eggshells around me lest a storm blow up, which occurred way more often than was healthy for ANY of us.

I used to wonder why everyone went around all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I’ve changed,” I would tell them, time and time again. “I’ve never hit people and I don’t even scream and yell much anymore. You don’t need to be afraid of me.” And then sure enough, something would happen and I’d go off on someone, and the whole cycle would start all over again.

To be honest, I still don’t think my family trusts me completely, even though I haven’t lost my temper in some time and the over-the-top conniptions haven’t happened since I’ve been on medication. A couple of my kids have admitted they worry about me going off the deep end, though, and I think that’s where the trust problem lies now. I once texted my oldest daughter in the middle of the night and said I thought I wanted to die, and I threatened to OD on Ativan. I didn’t do it then, but I did a year or so later, and of course Will couldn’t keep quiet about it, and he called the kids while I was passed out in the La-Z-Boy.

I wish I could say for certain that I’ll never do such a thing again. I don’t plan on it, and I don’t believe I will, but I can’t make such a guarantee. I made that mistake when I was within three months of celebrating my 22nd sobriety birthday. It was NOT a suicide attempt, and I didn’t use alcohol; but the reasons for doing it were the same, and the result was the same. In that case, I can’t blame my loved ones too much for being concerned, especially now that life is becoming progressively harder and right now I can’t see beyond the chaos to a better day. But it must be out there…..and I have to trust that it is.

So….who are you?

Kitt O'Malley:

As I begin my training as a Hearing Advocate for those involuntarily hospitalized, I found this post timely. Finding My Sunshine is a mother, wife and PhD student living with Bipolar disorder. In this post, she describes her experience with involuntary hospitalization and multiple ECT sessions administered while prescribed Lithium, resulting in severe memory loss. Through rehabilitation much of her memory is returning, but she does not recall everything about her hospitalization.

Originally posted on Finding My Sunshine:

One of the major side effects of ECT is short term memory loss. And, boy, did it affect me.

I underwent ECT thrice weekly for ten sessions in the locked ward. Which, incidentally, reminds me. Recently I was considering my time in hospital and found it remarkable that when you are first involuntarily frog marched to a locked ward it is a major crush to the soul. You’re all “let me out of here! I’m being held against my will!” you pound your fists on the air lock doors and almost inevitably get told that you are going to be given something to “calm down”, which actually sounds quite pleasant until you are stabbed with a hypodermic needle. Then a few weeks later, after you have settled in, you’re all “welcome to my crib. Bitch.” Institutionalization at its finest. Clearly a topic for another time.

Anyway, back to my terrible…

View original 466 more words

Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Hearing Advocate, Involuntary Hospitalization, Medication, Mental Health, Mental Health Advocacy Tagged: ECT, lithium, memory loss

Does Amanda Bynes’s mother regret telling everyone that her daughter does not have a mental illness?

del10Amanda Bynes’s tweets and recent actions show that she is obviously not doing well.

In May, when the stories first were breaking that Amanda Bynes had done some “crazy” things, was arrested for DUI, and then was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, it prompted me to write “My Opinion on Involuntary Commitment and Conservatorships (For example, Amanda Bynes)”   There is a serious problem in our country that parents can’t get their children admitted if they are obviously mentally ill and in trouble. This was the case for Amanda’s parents. They had to wait until she was arrested and ordered to go to the hospital.

When stories kept coming out that she most likely had bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, I hoped that Amanda and her family would use their experiences to help others and  help to erase the stigma.

However, the total opposite happened.  Amanda’s mom, Lynn, denied that she had a mental illness like they were all ashamed of it.  They caved into the stigma and did not use her mental illness in a way that so many other celebrities have recently.

Instead, they contributed to the stigma like it was something to hide and would ruin her career.  Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  Dealing with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses shows that your strength.  If they are trying to not ruin her career  maybe they should admit she needs help and for what. They could use  her mental illness as a platform.  If they don’t and she continues on this path, not only her career will be over, but her life could possibly be too.

Now that she is back in the hospital due to her bizarre behavior, does her mom finally get it?  We may never know the truth and since mental illness information should be confidential, maybe we never should.   I don’t know if her doctors were so incompetent that they could not see she had a mental illness or if her mom was trying to hide it and lied.  What I do know is that I am happy that she is back in the hospital where she needs to be.

Was she diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder or schizophrenia?  Was she prescribed medications that aren’t working or is she not taking them?  Is she in denial?  Is she ashamed?  Will she get the help she needs this time or will she say it is because of marijuana why she has been doing strange things?  We might not ever know the answer to all of these questions if any.

Her mental health and medical problems should be confidential. However, when you are famous and do bizarre things, the public is going to speculate.  In my opinion, it would be better to be honest, proud, educate others, raise awareness, and get the help you need than to continue on the path she has been taking.  I hope the hospital keeps her long enough so she is able to get the help she needs.

Amanda and Lynn Bynes- Please don’t deny that she has a problem and make sure she gets treated so she can tell the world that you can recover from mental illness, there is hope, and that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  Denying that you have a problem, feeds the stigma by showing you are ashamed.  Use these experiences to educate others and let them know what the symptoms are of the various mental illnesses and where people can go to get help if they or someone else is exhibiting the signs of a mental illness.






Then and Now: Thank you MAOI’s & Lithium!

 Sunday morning smiles   I’ve had a lazy, Indian Summer-soaked weekend.  As much as I love the springtime, this is my favorite season of the year, bar none. (Plus Halloween is my favorite day of the year!)   This morning … Continue reading

Don’t Know (If I’m Coming Up or Down)

Ah, Purple Haze… how I love thee, always. It’s always been one of those songs that stuck me in the feels, though whether or not it’s because of heavy teenaged drug use alone… *chuckles*

This weekend has left me wondering if I’m on a gentle down slope back into depression. I *think* that I am doing fairly well, but I noticed the husband has been trying to give me more space to myself by scooping up the baby. While she is cute and scoopable, I still feel like he’s been going a bit above and beyond. Which, of course, I take advantage of to zone out, because that does my head space a lot of good.

But also, the chronic fatigue is an issue atop mental crap. For example, I called yesterday for sleeping in, and took an additional six hours of rest. I don’t know if it did me any good, but at least it got me through the worst of Seroquel’s morning fog? Is the answer more meds, less meds, different meds? I’m not inclined to change if I can help it, but still. I’d like the fog to lift, but I guess it’s just going to be the waiting game again for that.

I guess all I can really do is continue to pay attention, and if things go bad before my appointment a month hence (yes, seriously, I get seen almost never — thanks Tories for decimating the NHS :p), my psychiatrist has made sure repeatedly that I have the number for the CRISIS team. I don’t think it’s going to come to that though. I just need to keep on keeping on, and probably making more chocolate cakes. Chocolate fixes everything, right? ;)


Updated Resources

1-800-662-HELP (4357) www.samhsa.gov/treatment for information on Prevention and Treatment Referral

The SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator can help you locate treatment facilities in the United States or U.S. Territories for substance abuse/addiction and/or mental health problems.

Just updated my Resources pages, adding resources and organizing them into three separate category pages.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: Behavioral Health Treatment Services, disability resources, health care resources, mental health resources, SAMHSA, The SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Services

Tears Fall Down

I’m incredibly emotional today. I am crying at the drop of the hat.

It’s not like it is even for a reason. I started crying watching anime. I started crying cause my husband gave me a compliment. I started crying because I wanted something sweet.

I realize I am a rapid cycler. I realize that I am obviously not at the perfect dose of medication and may even need a combination of medications to make things more balanced.

I am also bitchy, but the teary seems to be the stronger of emotions.

I hate days like this. I am really looking forward to my therapy and shrink session this week.

Oh! I imagine the mole thing is also bugging me in the back of my mind. Nothing like having an epiphany while writing your blog.

Sorry for the short blog but honestly I am not feeling motivated today. I just know that I must post.

Going to lay back and listen to the rain and try to relax.