Mood is less shaky today. Nerves are worse than yesterday. Hives, knotted stomach, every sound setting off the paranoia receptors, paralyzing fear for no real reason.
On the plus side, I have been uber productive.
On the negative side, I spent the first three hours of the morning doing battle with my kid over the lice issue and combing. still doing battle, actually. She had such a screaming mimi earlier, she threw things and hit me while yelling like a banshee on meth.
That is the side of her only Bex and I see. For everyone else she is this halo wearing cherub and I am the impatient overly demanding mother who simply is too harsh on the angel snowflake.
Much as I love my daughter, I don’t think allowing her to manipulate me with insults and tantrums on every single necessary issue is teaching her right from wrong. So if I am stricter than I’d like to be, it is because I can’t get her reined in with the ‘let me be your friend’ bit.
Had to go to the grocery store earlier. It was packed and I had a major panic attack to the point I actually had to sit in the car a few minutes waiting for my head to stop spinning, my heart to slow down, and my knees to stop wobbling.
Now my head hurts and I am nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My fucked up brain has decided to latch onto my mother’s insane ranting and convince me the child wellfare people are gonna take my kid away because I’m not as together and on top of everything like I should be.
That’s one of the reasons ‘the Middle’ has become one of my favorite shows. The parents are less than perfect, less than traditional, they lose their cool occasionally and raise their voices. their house isn’t a furniture store room of sterility. but above all else, they have a lot of love.
The world needs to get over its notion that only perfection is acceptable. Parents are flawed and fucked up and we miss things even if we spend all our time with our kids. It doesn’t mean we are neglectful or don’t care.
And considering how my moods fluctuate therefore my stability and functionality does as well…instead of judging me, you’d think they’d be offering to help me out during the rough parts of my illness.
ha. expecting anything but disdain from my family is the definition of delusional.
i really need a priest to exorcise the demon that is my mother from my head. i don’t know why i let her tear me down so much. it’s like letting her win. and that is against my nature and rebellious streak.
Then again, if that were enough i’d rage against my disorders and kick some ass. after all, as my family tells me, it’s all in my head and i am just lazy.
their hypocrisy makes me want to throw up. they are allowed to be less than perfect.
i am supposed to jump through flaming tree chippers in tact to please them.
there are times i think i should write them all off. all their excuses but no slack for me…
It is what it is.
They love me in their own utterly incompetent way. Guess their idea of positive reinforcement to is ensure I never gain an ounce of self confidence.
Frankly, I have the bipolar for that. it came to my attention to do i am rapid cycling. mixed episodes. that never bodes well.
I am beyond frustrated.
This has been the weekend from hell and the week is not looking any better. Mom said if I don’t use the chemical shampoo and get her back to school pronto they will take her from me.
On that one I will fight. We spent sixty bucks on store stuff and prescription stuff and it did fuck all last year. Except make our scalps so dry we itched them raw all over again.
As her mother, it is within my rights to say no, I will not use these chemicals on my kid.Since the school has a no nit policy then it will take a couple of days to ensure they’ve all been eradicated.
Oh, crap, why am I letting that evil monster of a mother of mine pollute my mind and incite such terror in me. everyone knows she’s gone batshit crazier since she retired. And she’s used the child wellfare thing against me over every tiny thing. kid hasd cat hair on her clothes, omg, they will take her away. you have cockroaches, they will take her away. you don’t clean the litter box six times day, it’s an unfit home.
My mother is plain evil and nuts.
My counselors always did say I was the sane one of the bunch even with all my issues.
I’m just going to do the best I can, keep dealing with this lice thing (or the icky ickies, as we are calling them) and let the chips fall where they may. Imperfect is not a synonym for neglectful or uncaring.
Now to find some ibuprofen for my throbbing head.
Decapitation seems too extreme for a headache so ibuprofen will have to suffice.