Daily Archives: September 24, 2014

NAMI Walks 2014

Kitt O'Malley:

10th Annual Orange County NAMI Walks 5K ~ Join me this Saturday, September 27, 2014 at 10:00 AM at William R. Mason Regional Park, 18712 University Drive, Irvine, CA 92612. Support NAMI-OC:


Originally posted on Kitt O'Malley:

NAMI  Walks

Sponsor Me for 2014 NAMI Walks

Those of you who have been following my blog know that I’ve been participating in the National Alliance on Mental Illness or NAMI Peer-to-Peer psychoeducational classes. NAMI offers these classes free. NAMI conducts free educational programs, meetings and support groups for those of us who live with mental health diagnoses and their families. I am raising money for my local NAMI chapter on Saturday, September 27th, by walking the 2014 NAMI Walks 5K. Please donate through my fundraising page for 2014 NAMI Walks. Every donation makes a difference. Thank you for your support.
Links to Sponsor Me for the 2014 NAMI Walks:

Thank you so much to my friends and family who have sponsored me and who will sponsor me. NAMI offers their services to our community, to those who live with mental health diagnoses and to their families, free…

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Filed under: Posted Thoughts

Letter: Lithium in Our Food

Dunno if you read a post I wrote fairly recently called Vitamin Yay – here’s some interesting follow up. Checkitout, you could get a whole 10g of it per day. *snigger*

NY Times September 23, 2014

To the Editor:

Anna Fels’s article about research on the possible benefits of lithium in the water supply (“Should We All Take a Bit of Lithium?,” Sunday Review, Sept. 14) does not mention that there are higher quantities of lithium in many of the foods that we consume daily.
For example, from milk, eggs, beef, vegetables, some fruits and other foods and beverages, it is possible to ingest as much as 10 milligrams a day with a typical adult diet. The concentration cited for municipal water supplies, up to .17 milligrams a liter, would provide much less lithium.
In any event, a lot more data are needed to determine what might be safe and beneficial nontherapeutic doses, if any, for both adults and children.

Greenwich, Conn., Sept. 17, 2014

Where is Buffalo Bull When You Need Him

Silence Of The Lambs is one my favorite books and movies. Right now, I’d be okay with Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill skinning me. Let him wear this itchy uncomfortable woman dress today.
It’s like every nerve ending is on fire, but instead of pain, I am itchy and twitchy and the paranoia is in the stratosphere. I am doing a wondermous job of faking it for my kid but the fact is, I am one step from taking some sharp instrument and raking it across my flesh so pain will distract from the maddening allergy itch. The bug crawling thing is ass trash, too, but that has come with my last few antidepressants, like they agitate my histamine issue. Of course, the doctor denies the meds have anything to do with it. Whatever. Point is, in spite of 20mg loratadine I am climbing the fucking walls.
One doctor said it was stress epidermia or some shit, where I internalize my anxiety and it results in hives. Makes sense because my mom and her mom both had anxiety so bad they’d have red streaks running down their arms from clawing their own skin. IT SUCKS. It is enough to make one want a crazed serial killer to peel the skin off their bones to escape. I am sure Bex would peel my skin off, she is very helpful, but she’d keep me alive ‘cos she is a bit of a sadist. Buffalo Bill would rub the lotion in the skin then put me out of my misery.
Warped, aren’t I?

It’s just irritating to have the mood under control yet every sound and movement is setting off the anxiety receptors to the point I want my skin off of me because it won’t stop driving me insane with the itching.

I took a double dose of Xanax (which I rarely do, so this should indicate my desperation atm) so hopefully soon it will settle down. Sad when anti histamines won’t work but xanax will.

Though technically, I’ve never had actual xanax. I didn’t even know what people were on about when they talked about xanax bars. My crap ass insurance has only ever covered the generic which is allegedly the same. Who knows. I know Ativan and Klonopin are shit. And seroquel for anxiety is like putting a band aid on a gaping gushing chest wound. The doctor who did that to me should be sued for malpractice, I became an agoraphobic trainwreck because of her stupidity.

The sad truth is, short of being sedated by sleep, the only thing that truly works for massive anxiety like this is alcohol. Yes, I know, that’s bad, makes the depression worse, no solution, blah blah blah. Facts are facts. When it reaches fever pitch and I wanna claw off my own skin and am convinced something cataclysmic is about to happen without any cause to believe so…A trip to Mangoritavilla may be in order. Later perhaps. I am trying to tough it out.

Amazing how I went from fine to agitated as fuck to paranoid and anxious and itchy in the space of five hours. The cyling is starting up big time, where my mind frame switches minute to minute thus worsening the anxiety.

I thought watching Vampires Suck might be a distraction cos this movie is hysterical but alas, this is the anxiety beyond control.

Much as I am loathe to admit it, at these junctures, the REO Speedwagon song “Riding The Storm Out” comes to mind. Hate that song but how appropriate that title is for this shit. It is a storm and there is no early alert system. One minute your house is on the ground, the next minute you see a cow flying by and land in Kansas under a house wearing ruby red slippers.

Okay…This is better. The xanax is doing its thing, I am mellowing out. My ear is still itching and my mother drove it into the ground that it’s superstitious belief that someone is talking bad about you. That and an itchy nose means someone will call or visit. Not good for paranoia.
Thankfully, the volume on the anxiety is being turned down one notch at a time.

Normally, I’m all about the old Autograph song “Turn Up The Radio.”

Today, I wish the volume on my central nervous system would just be muted altogether.

Because Buffalo Bill is nowhere to be found and the potato peeler is kinda dull so skinning myself would just be like undercooked faces. Gross.
But Carlllll, that kills people.
Amazing how my sense of humor, twisted as it is, remains in tact through the worst of it. May be the only thing that’s kept me from going off the deep end.



Nanook (drawn by James Osborne) gets bipolar bear all over Lamotrigine boxes. It manages to be endearing and tragic at the same time. I heart him a whole lot.

Originally posted on Nanook the bipolarbear:





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Fitness Update – Before and After

Why a Fitness Update on a Bipolar Blog? As I remind you with every fitness update, over 80 percent of people with serious mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depression, are overweight or obese. Much of this has to do with medicines that reduce the metabolism. This contributes to them dying at […]

The post Fitness Update – Before and After appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Feeling Maudlin

“Bookends” ~ Simon and Garfunkel “Time it was And what a time it was, it was A time of innocence, A time of confidences.   Long ago it must be I have a photograph Preserve your memories They’re all that’s left you.”Filed under: Maudlin, Old Friends, reminiscing Tagged: Friends, Love, memories

Death by Bipolar

A few examples from the first few pages of google news, using the search term bipolar death:

Beverly Ann Griffin said her 39-year-old son, Bradley Ballard, was denied medication, ignored and neglected by jail guards and medical staff.

Residents said Mr Crane had been seen lighting barbecues on his balcony due to his lack of electricity and gas and he had been warned by the authorities in the past.

Ten years later, Coleman is set to be executed in Texas for her role in the boy’s death.

On the morning she died, Diana Showman called 911 and reportedly told emergency dispatchers she had an Uzi and was going to shoot her family. But nobody else was home.

Then, as a stunned crowd looked on, he began reaching for his pistol and uttered his final words: ‘Just kill me.’

By the looks of it, Shane Schumerth‘s siblings suspected that he might be bipolar.

Who am I?

Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one? Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither.
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

I started this blog with who the fuck am I cycling worriedly through my mind. A couple of months later and I’ve resolved my own I am/I have bipolar dichotomy in favour of am, so that goes a little way towards answering the question. And the question itself doesn’t matter nearly as much now anyway. It would be lovely to think there’s a happy (insert hollow laugh here) medium, where a balanced me could access the traits of unbalanced me’s, but people like me get meds instead.

Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.
Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

I am now so close to the possibility of that grey bipolar balance I’ve read so much about. The goal of remission isn’t simple though, is it? Yes, the hope is for a break from rather serious pain, but … I had a sudden flashback the other day, of a me with feelings. I’m bleeding love, I thought to myself, I love as hard as a heart attack, a happy helium heart literally bursting all over the goddamn sky … and then I wondered if I’d ever feel that way again.

I’d wasted so much of my life. So many of my days, and all of my promise, all of my dreams, lost to hospitals, to depression, to wanting to die. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This is not who I am.
Except, of course, it was. It was all there was left to be.
Alexis Hall, Glitterland

Of course, I have to focus on having a break from feeling like hell. Maybe I’ll even want to live. I just can’t imagine it. I must try not to allow my own memory to fool me. I shall sit on my stoep and watch the sky grow hazy and chant grey is okay.


Stress Ahead + A Fricken Cold

Today was not that eventful. I woke up feeling like someone had been shoving sharp rocks down my throat all night, but other than that all I did was chill and take on one client.

Yep I decided to work for 30ish minutes a week and make a quick 200 a month. It will help out some which will make me feel less useless. Plus honestly being a phone domina can be fun. I’m naturally bossy!

As for the stress coming up, my father in law is coming into town for a week. It always turns out ok, but I still find it stressful. Even with no one coming there just a ton of stress both good and bad, mostly good I suppose. Two more days until therapy… Thank goodness!

Btw excuse the typos I write my blog on my iPad right now and it doesn’t correct poorly made sentences just the occasional misspelling.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

Colorful and Monochrome Rose

Colorful and Monochrome Rose

The idea behind DBT, which I have never done as a therapist nor as a patient until I attended NAMI Peer-to-Peer Recovery Education Program ©, is to hold opposing ideas together to learn acceptance and more nuanced thinking as opposed to black and white thinking.

Marsha Linehan, PhD developed DBT. According to The Linehan Institute:

The treatment she has developed combines the technology of change derived from behavioral science with the radical acceptance, or “technology of acceptance,” derived from both eastern zen practices and western contemplative spirituality. The practice of mindfulness, willingness, and radical acceptance form an important part of her treatment approach.

I’m no zen master. I attended a Christian seminary, but did not complete my studies. I would, though, like to learn more about contemplative practices (both eastern and western) and more about DBT.

Filed under: Mental Health, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy Tagged: DBT