Daily Archives: September 21, 2014

Life, the universe, everything

Well, my old psychiatrist, Dr N, is coming back. I see him in October sometime, expecting a call from his secretary next week to book an appointment. Awesome.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’d sleep every other day, pretty much. My GP, Dr B, put me on Seroquel, 25mg at night, and it was fairly useless. Switched to temazepam, 30mg, at night, and its working so far. I know the stuff poops out pretty quick on me, so I hope to get in with Dr N ASAP so I don’t have to keep bothering poor Dr B. He’s probably so sick of my calls! He gets +10 CHA on putting up with me. Maybe STR and CON as well! (D&D joke)

Haven’t been riding as often. Lost my nerve a bit after the show. I’ve been riding a friends horse and jumping him higher than I’ve jumped since my accident in 2011. I rode Sully yesterday. This is what we did. (As well as some cantering with no reins and having my arms out to the side, like an airplane)

Sully’s a good boy. I just need some confidence. If I find some AAA batteries, I’ll bring out my helmet cam and take some video with that. I love helmet cam riding.

I’ve got therapy with my gender therapist tomorrow, then I’m going riding. Yay.

Medwise.. well, I’ve been manic a lot. I’m tapering off of Cipralex (Lexapro for those from the US) and my mood isn’t as elevated, I’m on 10mg right now, and done with it next week. But my moods been elevated. The Risperdal Consta isn’t killing my psychosis the way the Piportil did. I’m still having breakthrough psychosis, mostly auditory hallucinations and paranoia.

I’m doing well, all things considered. Looking for a job. Rejection, rejection, rejection. Ugh. It sucks. Knitting, riding.

I’m down to Risperdal Consta (37.5mg every 2 weeks, IM), clonazepam (1.5mg/day), Cipralex (10mg/day until next Thursday, then 0mg, not having any discontinuation symptoms so far), Dexerine (20mg/day), Artane (5mg/PRN) and temazepam (30mg PRN). My anxiety is down, my moods are more stable, and hopefully the psychosis fucks off. My next Consta shot is the 26th.

I got a new laptop, my roommate and I took 2 cats home from the barn. The kitten destroyed my old computer mouse, which is funny (she killed her first mouse!) and I fortunately had a spare. I love kitties. Even evil ones, like my kitten. She kept smacking my guinea pig her first couple days here. Poor piggie. He didn’t react. He’s very patient.

I kinda want to get on Haldol Dec, or back on Piportil. Add a mood stabilizer. Which one? Hm. Lithium gave me diabetes insipidus, lamictal gave me stevens johnson syndrome, epival (depakote) threw me into mixed episodes, gabapentin, I ended up in the hospital when I was last on it, last October (October 7-24), topamax, I lost too much weight.

I’m still underweight without a period. I have a bunch of appointments this week. Therapy Monday, ob/gyn Thursday, dentist Thursday (yay for nitrous oxide, I have 2 cavities, and I’m hugely denta-phobic)

Let’s see where things go when I see my new/old psychiatrist in the next couple weeks. This psychosis has to go. Hypomania is fun, but I want to sleep. My official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Dr B thinks it fits better than schizotypal PD and bipolar. He thinks they put the schizotypal PD dx on my appearance, which IS different, but not eccentric. I have a lot of piercings and tattoos.

I was told once “I see the schizotypal, but not the personality disorder”. That was from a nurse in the hospital last year. Is that a compliment? Eh? Weird.

Creativity etc

A 76-year-old woman has developed an incredibly rare disorder – she has the compulsive urge to write poetry. Her brain is now being studied by scientists who want to understand more about the neurological basis for creativity.

I know two people this has happened to.

This Is What Happens When I Get Bored (Created With Gnofract4d and GIMP)

Filed under: Multifaceted Fractal Tagged: Altered Images, Fractal Art


You may think you have to escape the city to really see the moon, but ... away from the glowing McBoxes ...

Solitary Confinement for Mentally Ill in USA Prisons

The image is of an isolation cell.

Day or night, the lights inside cell 135C of central New Mexico’s Valencia County Detention Center were always on.

“At many jails and prisons around the country, solitary confinement has become kind of the default placement for the mentally ill,” says Dr. James Gilligan.

It’s awful to see evidence of a Western developed society being barbaric, isn’t it? Sad too, since that’s the society that we in the third world are aspiring to.

Read all about it

Selection From “The Gift” ~ Hafiz

  Hafiz ~ circa 1320-1389 was a mystic, Persian (present day Iran) Sufi poet. This selection,”We Have Not Come to Take Prisoners”,  is from the lyrical poem “The Gift.” “We have not come here to take prisoners, But to surrender ever more deeply To freedom and joy. We have not come into this exquisite world […]

1937: Gollum


I like this blog a LOT. Not only are aspects of mental illness in history presented in an accessible way, the blogger (Freudy lookin’ Dutch dude) represents responsible psychiatry with an edge of empathy. Having experienced major depression and treatments all the way from ABC to ECT himself, plus his obvious intelligence, his posts are always more than the sum of their parts. Give this one a read and then go read about some ‘real’ stuff too.

You’re welcome.

Originally posted on History of Mental Health:

September 21, 1937?This may count as the official birth date of a well-known mentally disturbed fictional character: Gollum. For on this day in 1937, J.R.R. Tolkien published his story The Hobbit that introduced him to the world.

I assume you’ve read the Lord of the Rings series, or at least have seen Gollum in the films. Underneath all his wicked, obsessed, monomaniacal deviousness he is one of the saddest, most piteous and forlorn figures in fantasy.


Many websites routinely classify him as “mentally ill”. To give a random example, the Urban Times site puts him in a list of 33 Fantastic Films Whose Main Characters Have Mental Disorders.

But when it comes to what exactly was wrong with Gollum most people remain a bit vague, guessing around. Schizophrenia? Or maybe a split personality, torn between his original Sméagol roots and his later Gollum identity?


Actually we…

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Rough Anniversary But I Got Through It

Well, I survived the anniversary. It was a different sort of survival than other break-ups I have experienced. I didn’t get this (depressed is the wrong word, although I did get a prescription for 3 months of anti-depressants) moody when I broke up with other boyfriends and one fiance. Somehow, even though the marriage only […]

Still So Grumpy

I realize that the moods are going to vary. We are human and I feel that us bipolars are just way more passionate about everything we feel. So much so that we need to be medicated!!!

I was screaming at hubby today as we left to go and try to find a movie to watch. What was I screaming about, I have no damn clue anymore. However a sentence that I said during it caused me to shut up and start bawling. That sentence was …. You know something bad is going to happen right?

A lot of good thing have been happening, I don’t deal well with thing going well and it seems to be causing some mania. As I think about that wonderful high day I had it was definitely was hypo mania. Sure I was happy but I was thrumming with it. It was electric.

I can’t seem to find a level point.

Hubby and I Have decided that I would take on one client for now and see how it goes. I never really thought about it being a trigger for hyper-sexuality, thank you Kitt, that is something I really need to keep an eye on that if I actually get a client.

Thank you to everyone who comments! I’ve mentioned before that I am horrible at responding to comments and then I get to a point where I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I forgot to respond. I try to be sensitive.

However you guys are amazing and supportive and I you touch my heart and give me hope when tiffs ad feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you so much.

My Secrets

you see me only veiled or in the half-light my sound my touch yes, you know me you know me to the skin and yet how can you not know my thousand scars my thousand faces my secret vices like writing poetry at night in a purple book.Filed under: older poems, poems Tagged: secret scars, […]