Daily Archives: September 17, 2014

People, the Media and Mental Illness by Finding the Secret Places


” What we need is love, not this loud and empty yelling to your ego. Not this pointless, hopeless charade that people call “helping” and “supporting.” What we definitely don’t need is yet another clueless asshole inflating and insulting the death of a person in a two-faced narcissism contest. What we don’t need is another person yelling at us to go get help when we have tried so hard to get help and simply can’t because the help doesn’t exist or doesn’t work. We don’t need another person telling us we’re frauds or fools or weak because we’re supposedly not listening to them. We don’t need people who will twirl their wands to make it look like they’re doing something and then walking away as soon as the shininess wears off, or turning around and slapping us in the face for asking them to make good on their promise to be there, or help or make help more available.”

Originally posted on At The Jackal's Mercy:

People, the Media and Mental Illness.

This is a beautiful post. It is the absolute truth, and there is no arguing that fact.

View original

Fight Cancer

Time to give a shout out to both the American Cancer Society at cancer.org and the Lymphoma Research Foundation at lymphoma.org. Like many families, our family has been touched by cancer. Dearly loved ones have fought and are fighting cancer. We support both the American Cancer Society and the Lymphoma Research Foundation. Please consider supporting the work they do, too.

American Cancer Society

About the American Cancer Society:

For more than 100 years, the American Cancer Society (ACS) has worked relentlessly to save lives and create a world with less cancer and more birthdays. Together with millions of our supporters worldwide, we help people stay well, help people get well, find cures, and fight back against cancer.

Lymphoma Research Foundation

About the Lymphoma Research Foundation:

The Lymphoma Research Foundation (LRF) is the nation’s largest non-profit organization devoted exclusively to funding innovative lymphoma research and providing people with lymphoma and healthcare professionals with up-to-date information about this type of cancer. LRF’s mission is to eradicate lymphoma and serve those touched by this disease.

Thank you.

Filed under: Family, Gratitude Tagged: American Cancer Society, cancer, charity, Lymphoma Research Foundation

If I Could Turn Back Time

The official Social Security papers arrived yesterday.

I’m looking at the envelope right now. I’ve read through the documents, and once again I can’t believe that I’m really doing this. I don’t WANT to do it. I feel like such a weakling, using a mental illness as a reason why I have so much trouble with working. Yeah, I know—it’s not the mild case I’d prefer to believe it is, and it’s caused me untold misery both in the workplace and out. But even though I know better, I still harbor this insane notion that I could return to nursing if I’d simply be stricter with myself.

I find myself thinking back to the time just before I was diagnosed, when a series of adverse events turned me into a hot mess. I was struggling with depression and anger, and it spilled over into work. I remember sitting in my office and staring at the stack of paperwork on my desk, completely unable to do anything about it, my thoughts racing at the speed of light; I didn’t know what was wrong then. And when I found out, it blew me away, even though I shouldn’t have been the least bit surprised.

Sometimes I look back and wonder what my life would be like today if those events had never occurred. Would I still be working and living a successful life? Or would I be sitting here with Social Security documents on my computer table? I don’t suppose there’s any way to know; it’s not like I can unring the bell. But I do find myself thinking now and then that things might be different if I could turn back time to 2011 and take an alternate path. Which begs the question: would I be so hard on myself if the illness were a physical one?

It’s not as if I don’t face physical challenges as well. I’m severely overweight and have some pretty gnarly arthritis, in addition to being diabetic, asthmatic, and hypertensive. The obesity alone would probably qualify me for SSDI, as there are a whole lot of jobs I can’t do as a result of it. I have always refused to let it get in my way, but I’m up against the realities of aging now and I simply can’t perform the same activities I could 10 or 15 years ago.

Oddly enough, this eases my guilt a little bit. I’m not happy about it, but I’m less upset about having a physical disability than a mental disability, even if that particular disability is self-inflicted (while the bipolar is not). I know it’s weird, but it’s the way my mind works thanks to living in a society which still views mental illness as a curse borne by “those people”. Does that sound crazy?

So here I am with a big, fat envelope from the Social Security Administration on my computer desk, wishing I didn’t have to fill out papers and gather documentation and give permission for Dr. A and Dr. L to give SSA the down-and-dirty on me. I wish I didn’t have to avoid the temptation to make light of my difficulties. And I wish more than anything that I could still be a nurse making thirty bucks an hour, instead of barely existing on $360 a week and worrying about what will happen when those unemployment benefits run out.

In the meantime, I’m still awaiting the results of my interview last Friday, so there’s hope for at least a little extra money if I get the writing job. Keep your fingers crossed for me—I need all the luck I can get.



Free papers by KRJ

I blog for a few reasons and one of them is that it’s a handy way to file the stuff I’ve read.

Great wits and madness: more near allied?
The many stigmas of mental illness. (Register free to access)
Stigma of manic depression: a psychologist’s experience.
Vincent van Gogh’s illness.

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

Selfish and tired

Had some stuff happen last night that kept me up late. So I am tired today!! I realize this post is going to ruffle some feathers, probably. I don’t mean to do that or take anything a way from a single person that struggles.

This post is also not directed at or inspired by any single person or group of people. It’s just some of my thoughts.

It’s funny how what I’m about to write may very well confirm my narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. (That’s a funny thought for some reason). :-)

Anyway, I wish there was a way that I could kindly explain to people what it feels like to be diagnosed with a mental illness when there is no good reason for me to have one. I understand that the mind is an extremely unique and complex thing and every individual is different. But it’s easy to understand how someone that has had some kind of trauma would have a hard time functionally correctly mentally. I believe what we experience affects our minds in ways that we may never know. And especially for children, the mind does what it has to to survive.

I say that only to say that I didn’t have any of those things. I have amazing, loving, caring, giving parents. My sisters and brother and I fought as kids, but we are fairly close as adults and we stay in pretty regular contact. I wasn’t beaten, or molested, or raped. There is NOTHING in my past that someone could point to as a cause for my mental issues. That is very frustrating for me.

I know there is a debate about whether you are bipolar or have bipolar, but honestly for me I AM bipolar. It is part of me, it isn’t something that was caused or started with trauma or a crappy childhood. It is a part of me, I have lived with it most of my life. And while I have been able to make it work (I know I am incredibly lucky in that part) I still struggle and have done things that I truly believe I never would have done if this wasn’t a part of who I am.

It makes it very frustrating to figure out if it will ever be able to be fixed. You see my thoughts have issues, yes!! But I’m not generally a negative or debby downer person. I am generally upbeat, at least in my thoughts and what I try to put out there. But I spend much of my time not actually FEELING that way. And there is a difference.

I don’t think I’m better or worse than anyone else out there. I know that I was blessed to have the parents I did that taught me how to behave and how to deal with some tough things in life. I was surrounded by good friends and people that loved me, even when I seemingly didn’t deserve it. I do believe that there are some differences between mental illness that is reactional and mental illness that is truly has some form of genetic source. I’m not trying to upset anyone here. And I don’t always know how to explain my thoughts very well. Sometimes they are so big and outside the box, I can’t even get a complete rasp on them( boy those conversations make my husband crazy).

I just think that if you have spent most of your life learning or teaching yourself everything you know, and/ or you have also had trauma it changes all the components involved in small ways. If a person was never taught how to control their anger they have an anger problem. Having an anger problem doesn’t automatically mean you are mentally ill. Maybe you just need to learn more control. Too many people want to make excuses. And too many people want to give blame away instead of really look at themselves.

I know that many many people don’t fall into this category, but let’s be real. If we pretend like it doesn’t happen then we aren’t being truthful in our fight to stamp out stigma. I mean how can you fight the stigma without acknowledging that people throw mental illness diagnosis’s around like they are candy. And the truth to me is also that people who are truly mentally I’ll fight like mad. They want to get better, they want to learn new things and about themselves. They are honest, even when it’s hard and they just want other people to take a moment to try to understand.

It’s too bad that SOME people are so unwilling to do personal inventory and grow that they use mental illness as a scape goat for bad choices. I for one wish that I could make myself do what I want to do, and get rid of my thoughts as simply as changing the toilet paper. Too bad it’s not gonna happen and I’ll have to continue doing the work and educating myself so that I can learn to be more healthy, even though there’s really no reason that I am unhealthy in the first place. Ugh!! It’s a never ending cycle in my head

Until next time….be blessed!!!!