Daily Archives: September 15, 2014

Playing With Fire

I want to go off Zyprexa.

Well, I do. I’m in a major creative dry spell and I want to feel something strongly enough to be able to write about it. I also want to throw off this lassitude which is keeping me from shaking up my job search and thinking outside the freaking box. It’s weird how I can get so excited about a football game and yet have so little enthusiasm for everyday life (although I’m still pretty stoked about the possibility of that writing job). Maybe if I weren’t on so many medications…..

Of course, that might be a tough sell with Dr. Awesomesauce, as much as he doesn’t want to keep me on Z forever. I’ve already been on it for six months, and was on more than off of it for the three months prior to that. However, he just reordered three more months’ worth of it so I don’t think he’s going to take me off anytime soon. Still, he may be OK with me trying to cut back a little, even though it didn’t go so well last time. I hate being such a slug in the mornings…..it practically takes a crowbar to pry me out of the bed, no matter how early I take my nighttime meds or how well I sleep. That won’t do if I get a day job. I remember having difficulty staying awake at my desk during my last job, and it’s never really gotten better. Dialing back the dosage might fix that.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything without Dr. A’s knowledge and approval. I know only too well what he’d say, and I don’t want to disappoint him. He can shame me almost to tears with a certain facial expression, and I don’t want to see that. (Funny how he keeps me on the straight and narrow even between appointments.) I also know I’d be risking the reappearance of Manic Barbie…..but sometimes I just can’t help missing her, or wanting a taste of the wild, wild world I used to live in. The depressions are awful, and mania itself carries its own set of problems; but a little hypomania would be so refreshing!

I know even THINKING about this is like playing with fire, and when I think of how bad my mood swings used to be, I wonder why I’d want to take a chance of going back to those days. I remember the time I crashed and burned after a particularly severe manic episode; I sat up in bed long after Will had gone to sleep, crying in the dark and swinging one leg over the side for hours. I ended up sneaking into the bathroom around four AM and calling the suicide hotline because I needed someone to talk to and I didn’t want to wake Will up and scare him.

That sort of thing doesn’t happen anymore. It hasn’t happened in a year and a half, and it seems even longer ago than that. I keep telling myself that a brief, delicious ‘high’ isn’t worth going through something like that again, and that the Vitamin Z is responsible for this relatively long period of remission. What kind of fool would even think about screwing that up just to chase the high?

Thinking about it, however, is all I’m going to do. I won’t strike that match, no matter how tempting it is. I promise.


Have you ever just really wanted a long pause?

I find myself just wishing that I could pause life. That I could stop time and just be still and stationary for a while. It’s actually a weird thought. But I don’t want to die. I just need a break. It’s fall school just started back. Between football, cheerleading, marriage counseling, and work there is not a single day of the week that I can just be still. Most days I have at least two activities of some kind and the 5 weeks since school has started are starting to feel really long, and tiring.

Now I’ve started waking up in the middle of the night almost every night. Which makes me wake up extremely tired. There is too much going on. Isn’t it kind of funny that my mind races, a lot, yet I can only handle so much before I start losing control? I think that is humorous. It’s also annoying and frustrating. Ha!

I wonder if anything will ever help. And since I am at cheerleading and it seems today is conspiring against me writing uninterrupted I will have to cut this short. Too many thoughts and not enough energy to try to corral them tonight.

So I will leave you wishing there was a way I could pause life just for a few moments so I could get myself together. :-)

Be blessed!!

National Ass Trash Day

It has gotta be national ass trash day. Because it’s how I am feeling. My mood was low and groggy from the get go which is why I overslept. Only by ten minutes, but it did not bode well.
Another cold torrential downpour day.
I don’t want to do fuck all. It’s a lump day. Sit and stare off into space while chain smoking and trying to figure out why my mood crashed so low without any real trigger.

My mood was down to begin with but the stress level and irritation spiked when R waited until five mins before I had pick my kid up THEN says, “You coming back? I thought of some stuff I need you to do.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????
I was there six hours and because he prefers to fuck off all that time I am supposed to return to meet his demands?

I said, plaintively, “Nope.”
“No?” He seemed stunned that anyone would have the audacity to not cave into his demands. I said, “NO, I am sick of doing things on your time table.”
It was liberating to say it, mean it, and walk away.

I need time to lick my wounds. Wounds I can’t even explain how I got.
That’s the hideous beauty of cyclothymia. Explanations are rarely forthcoming.
For now, I am gonna sit and stare off into space while riding out this current fucked up mind frame.
Ass trash day indeed.

Writing Heals My Brain

  This post was originally published on Stigmama last week.  It was my answer to Stigmama’s founder Dr. Walker Karraa’s question, “Why do you write?”  For some silly reason I wasn’t able to reblog it, so I’m doing the old copy … Continue reading

Zoo Stuff

Penguins Leopard Jellyfish

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Why I Left

This is a difficult post to write, one I’ve debating writing for some time. But recent events have brought new light to bad memories and I feel I should take the opportunity to share my experience, so that it might help others.

I am a survivor of domestic violence. Ten years ago, I dated a drug-addicted, mentally unstable young man who attempted to control my life through various means: threats, emotional manipulation and outright violence. When sober, he was charming and brilliant. When he was in a bad mood or had been drinking or using drugs, he was a monster. Because it could trigger memories for readers who have been there or readers suffering from PTSD, I will spare you the gory details. Suffice to say, it went from a relationship with a coworker to a complete nightmare that had me fearing for my safety and the safety of my family.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole #WhyIStayed/#WhyILeft hashtag thing. Domestic violence and spousal abuse is so much more than you can fit into 140 characters. Hashtag activism will not help this. What will help is a different attitude towards the issue, meaning not blaming the victim and giving the abusers a pass. I don’t know it all, I have never claimed to, but I do know from my own experience that domestic violence is a complicated issue with no one size fits all solution. It affects all economic classes, all social classes, everyone. It causes a strain on our legal system, our medical system and our social systems. The current goings on in the NFL show that it happens to even financially well off couples.

I guess I could tell you all what I learned from the situation, which is that I am a human being deserving of respect, just like you. I am now a much more cautious person, less trusting and I don’t care much for being near drunk or aggressive people. It’s had a negative impact on my mental health that I try to counteract every day. However, it has made me a better health care worker, it’s easy for me to put myself in the shoes of an abuse victim. I find that despite my mistrust, I’m a little less judgmental of certain situations. With all the media coverage on the Ray Rice incident, the prevalent question has been “Why did his fiancee marry him?”. It’s a loaded question. We have only seen one incredibly terrible part of their relationship. And I know that within my own personal experience, I stayed for a while because I felt he needed me. Janay Rice has her own reasons for staying and I personally am not going to judge her for that.

Much like mental illness, you can explain domestic violence clearly to someone who has never experienced it, but it doesn’t mean they will “get it”. There’s no way to express the fear for your life, the mind games, the financial controlling, all of it. I really don’t know how to help the conversations happen, besides the obvious advice of simply starting the conversation. I guess all I can conclude with is that if you find yourself in the situation of domestic violence, you aren’t stuck. It won’t be easy, but you can have a normal life again. And most of all, you are, in fact, an amazing, wonderful person who deserves to be treated well.

I welcome your comments and emails, as always.

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: domestic violence, PTSD

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA:

I LOVE THIS POST!!!! You Must Read It.  I found it on Kat’s blog.

Originally posted on Heathers Helpers:

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is portrayed in the media as some sort of wacky, wild, really cool to watch phenomenon. If that isn’t their angle? They are usually discussing the controversy of the diagnoses. I understand all that but I feel that perhaps if I share what it means to me, it will take the confusion out of it for some people. I can try right?

Everyone has multiple personalities/identities. Yes, even you.
If you stop to think about it, you are not the same when out with your friends as you would be if you were out with your children. You are different with your spouse than you would be with your parents. You can become professional at work then transform to a carefree spirit when you go out for an evening with your best buddy. Even your pets get a different side of you. Yeah… I know all…

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