Daily Archives: September 13, 2014

Merry go fucking round

I have been through the bipolar ringer the last few days. Up, down, all around. Withdrawing, low energy, no desire to do anything. Then back up we go, high functioning and half manic. Some days the anxiety is crippling, other days it’s like a background hum.
The seasonal depression is coming, like it or not. The temp went from mid 90’s to “cold enough to turn the furnace on” in the space of a week. I am reeling big time.
I need to call the shrink because they didn’t set me up for three months and I told that nurse the seasonal would come. With cyclothymia, things shift that fast. It’s like a roller coaster because it never stops speeding around the tracks, up a steep incline, down low, pulling back into the station straight.

I did something yesterday I’ve wanted to do every year for 3 years but could never work beyond the anxiety and agorophobic tendencies. I took my kid to a petting zoo that comes to town once a year. Bex actually left the house and went with. My kid was interested all of 5 seconds but I enjoyed it immensely. Llamas, a camel, goats, a black lion, a white bengal tiger…
It seems like such a silly thing and yet for me, it took a lot of moxie and courage to put myself out there that way. Even if something is fun for me, climbing the mountain of anxiety to get to it is insurmountable at times.
I am glad I did it.
We also cleaned house for Mrs. R, hit yard sales, went to R’s house last night for pizza and drinks. His middle daughter was down with her 3 week old son and Mrs. R handed him to me and introduced me as Aunt Niki. (Swear I almost teared up.)The baby had been awake most of the day and ended up falling asleep in my arms. I miss having an infant. My kid was a breeze as an infant. Now she is so needy and demanding and doesn’t sleep through the night, it makes the newborn period look like even more of a joy.

It’s bizarre to run so low a few days, then come back up. And I am battling making the call to the shrink because just last month I really was feeling good. The seasonal affect doesn’t care. The doctor said me doing so well made her day and I am reluctant to cave in and call lest I disappoint her. Which it’s not my job to please her, I have an illness and need treatment. It is that simply. But lately with her tossing out “borderline personality disorder” I have become increasingly uncomfortable with her. Not because I can’t face my own flaws, I can see some borderline traits in myself. But they ebb and flow with the mood cycles so I don’t think it’s mere personality flaws. I mean, my cat died, my car blew up, all in the same week, and I wasn’t trying to kill myself.
Then the weather changes and suddenly my downward spiral begins.
I’ve cried 4 or 5 times in the last week for no real reason. I have become less interested in hygiene and appearance. I don’t want to get out of the bed come morning. I batcave earlier and earlier every night, feeling this tug away from others and into myself. All hallmarks of depression. And last year, the other shrink took me off my anti dep in August and by September, seasonal slammed into me like a speeding bus. I don’t want it to get to that point, it’s too hard to climb back out of the abyss.
I am going to have to make that dreaded call soon to save myself even if it means letting the shrink down and having to hear that it’s my personality at fault. I dispute that vehemently.

For today…I vegetate. IT is much deserved and has been earned.
Some pics I took yesterday as a closer.




llama with hat
(yeah, i did the llama with a hat thing, ‘cos it’s funny…”but Carl…that kills people!”)

Frankie’s Joint 2014-09-13 18:51:00

P E A C E 

Frankie’s Joint 2014-09-13 18:51:00

P E A C E 

Cyclothymia is a big bucket of suck

So, yeah…Yesterday I was in this paranoid insecure mindspace where I felt like my existence was an offense against mankind.It was making me pissed off to have others so easily speak and basically imply I am somehow lazy and a loser because I wasn’t bowing down to their needs and demands. And I wasn’t getting much feedback to discourage the mentality, either.

Today…totally different mind space and there really was nothing that changed it other than the brain reboot of sleep.

Cyclothymia fucking sucks!

My brain is a traitor.It has long sent out the wrong chemicals thus I am operating on wrong messages which affect my behavior and thought processes. BUT because I have some good days where I am lucid, this distorted cycling process is dismissed as “personality”.

Yes, because my personality has chosen to convince me that I was pregnant in spite of never missing a period. Then there was the period where I swore I had bugs crawling on my skin even though no one else saw anything there. Totally a choice. And all that paranoia that basically reduced me to being an agoraphobic shut in because my brain INSISTED if I left the safe space, me or my belongings, would somehow be harmed.
I absolutely delighted in choosing to feel that insane.

They claim “cyclothymia” is mild.

Taking ten pregnancy tests in a month despite having a period and your brain still insisting you’re pregnant…
My insanity is not mild at times. Sometimes, I swear I have a brain tumor because my thoughts are so “out there”.
The doctor and counselor say, “Yeah, but you’re still able to recognize that they’re wrong ideas.”
Except…at times, I really am NOT.
Most of us tend to take our minds as the gospel. As it should be, the thoughts are your own so you are acting on information at hand.
Cyclothymia combined with intense anxiety…
The paranoia becomes real. The messages your brain sends, right or wrong, become your gospel even if you doubt them. And that mind frame is rife for self doubt.
You doubt your family, your friends, perfect strangers, the reliability of your appliances. And every time your paranoia proves right, it just feed the metastasizing misinformation your brain sends out. To the point where you walk a tightrope somewhere between reality and fiction, never sure what is what. You think you know…But you can’t be sure.
After all, your brain is defective and the information you are basing thoughts, feelings, and behavior on is highly suspect.
But then again, what if you’re just a self sabotaging paranoid with a negative attitude rather than suffering from a mental illness?

I have NO idea.

I Hate Housework!

Recent studies at and Nutrition Research in Australia (C-PAN) gives me a clue as to why I have such a difficult time keeping our home tidy. Researchers found that dusting, vacuuming and scrubbing the bath generate physical health benefits yet the monotony of the menial work brings no mental health rewards. Now I know why […]

The post I Hate Housework! appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Such Fog, Very Yuck

Some internet meme-trends like doge here make me feel old, ha ha. But sometimes, it does well to capture the essence of an idea. In this case, my current physical state, which does make me feel a bit snarky.  My levels of brain fog the past week or two have been ridiculous, and has me running to doublefist sodas first thing in the morning. The fog has been lasting for several hours, which makes it a lot harder to help out with getting the kids taken care of first thing in the morning. Lilbit (the 4 year old) wakes me up with a chirpy chorus of, ‘Mommy, it’s 8 o’clock! Mommy, it’s 8 o’clock, wake up!’. I then repay her… kindness… by chivying her through dressing and grooming. It’s not fun to do with the incessant questioning that comes from children that age. I thought I’d be able to handle the ‘why?’ phase, but man… hubris to the nth degree.

And of course, I wonder why I ache and am foggy and the brain comes up with all sorts of ideas. What if it isn’t bipolar, but is actually PMDD? What if it’s fibromyalgia instead of, or in addition to, endometriosis? Or is it just a symptom of aging + weather? I know my mother-in-law has been having some joint pain lately, and my husband says it’s a constant complaint for him as well. While I can sort of accept it could be that, my brain still wants to have concise answers. Knowing things makes them easier to fight; they’re not longer monsters cloaked in shadow. But really, I just want to feel unache-y and energetic enough to get some gardening done. I did mention that the chronic fatigue has clamped down again, right? Yeah, all the fun…

I think that my biggest annoyance of current is that the level of fatigue and physical pain has gone past the point where it distracts from my brain, to where it’s making my brain crankier. I’ve been a bit snappish and short on mental spoons, though I’m sure that I could fairly blame most of that on the brain fog. I’m doing my best to communicate this to my husband, and that does help cut back on some of the worst braintail-lashing. But still, I hope it lifts a bit because this sucks.

Ah well, I guess give it a few years, and the Seroquel-related fog should pass. Woo, years. -__-


Music and the Mind


I tried to post the video of this song but I guess I’m not that smart yet ;-)

Anyway, I LOVE music. Always have! I know I am struggling when I listen to songs I love and they produce no feelings what so ever. I am a car dancer. Yep!! That’s right, when you look beside you and someone is jamming out in the car. That’s me! And I am not at all ashamed of it. I dance wih my kids and my grandsons. Well, not so much my kids anymore. But my daughter still plays along sometimes.

Music is such an amazing thing. I have had experiences where I randomly pay attention to the words of a sigh and end up driving down the street bawling my eyes out. Ha! I made the choice a few years ago to primarily listen to Air 1 ( a Christian music station) and I love it!! I get so much strength and peace through the words in these songs. They touch my heart in a way that is deeper than everything else. I still love other music and my kids help to keep me at least a little in tune with what’s popular now. But I chose to put good thighs in my heart and mind through music.

Maybe this decision came because I always have something that is a tangible link to God. Not that I don’t have deep faith or lack in prayers. But I like what the music does to me. I have often found that people like songs and don’t even realize they are by Christian groups. There’s a lot more crossover than you would think. And sometimes these words cut straight to a persons heart and life and give them hope and peace in a way that nothing else can.

I by no means am perfect or think that I have a real clue. But I know this, God loves me and the music that reminds me of that makes everything else in life seem simple. It’s not, of course, but there’s nothing like a little perspective. I am blessed to be able to sing and to truly FEEL hoe meaning of songs and it is something I never want to lose.

I hope if you have a moment you will listen to or read the lyrics of the song I have posted a link too. It’s an amazing thought to know that God sees me, He loves me, and He will not only take care of me and be with me while I’m on my journey to help me. But I also know that He will use this to His glory and allow me to experience things in a new way that gives Him more glory and honor. Or that is my fervent prayer and hope.

Be blessed!! And pump up that music…..it’s good for the soul!!!

Home Coming

Today I went out to the lot no there was this sign imagePretty awesome ya? We are meeting the the builders on Thursday and they are staking the land next week as well. I’m excited!!

Tomorrow we are going out to the lot again me the model so that mom can show it to her husband as she would like to see about getting a similar house in the area.

It’s been a day where I have been out for most of it and I’ve been running up and down stairs and frankly I am exhausted.

Either way it was a mostly good day. The only time I got upset was when hubby said I couldn’t have this adorable hot pink purse and frankly he was right, we need the money for our down payment. It was so cute though

Also I am starting a painting for my sister in law, hope it turns out the way it is in my head.. Anyhow tootles until tomorrow.