Daily Archives: September 3, 2014

Pain, Pain Go Away!

I have been having a terrible time with bingeing on food, either carbs or just plain sugar. Some of it feels like an addiction, like I’m medicating my feelings. Definitely some of it is due to the Clozaril I take for mood stabilization. It gives me pot-like munchies and makes me hungry as hell. Sometimes I wake up at 5 in the morning so hungry that I have to go eat something before I can go back to sleep until around 9 am. This has been torture for me. I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained more than twenty pounds since I started the Clozaril in February. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

I’ve also had lots & lots of pain thanks to over-taxing my back during the move I just had. I’m icing my back a lot but all in all it makes me very achy and I just feel impaired.

So after therapy today I went to my local marijuana dispensary and just told them: I take a medication that makes me want to eat and I need something that will knock me on my ass and make me fall asleep. If I fall asleep I can’t eat, right? They offered me a bunch of different options, all edibles (I hate to smoke it). One of them that I’m going to try tonight is a patch, and it has specific compounds that are supposed to help with pain (Yay!). And it should make me really sleepy. I’m so achy even after taking two Tramadols that I want to put the patch on right now but I need to wait until closer to bedtime. I REALLY hope this sucker works. It was $20 but you cut the patch into eight pieces. So that’s $2.50 per night if it works. That’s expensive but if it gets me off the porkin’ out rollercoaster it’s worth it. I will report back tomorrow!

Hope all is well in your world. Peaches!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Fat, Bipolar Pothead, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bingeing, Bipolar, Clozaril, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Living up the AZ

I didn’t always live in the desert.  In fact,  I have lived in many places and climates, but I spent the majority of my formative to young adult years in […]

You’re Just Like Me: Dyane

Originally posted on Bipolar, Unemployed, and Lost:
? _______________________________________________________________________ ? So you have a mental illness.. Which one? Bipolar one and generalized anxiety When were you diagnosed & how old were you? I was 37 years old and six weeks…

Double Agent

I know people with mental illness have to act like double agents everyday, but lately I have been feeling more and more unknown to myself.

everyday I wake up not knowing who I am and what I might do today. This morning, I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to go to work, so I smoked, call my job, and went back to bed. I woke up 3 hours later really kicking myself in the ass for not going.

What is going on with me? Sometimes I’m looking out through eyes that might not be mines.

Am I still going through a rebellious period? Do I have nothing to work and strive for?

Has anyone felt this way? Is it my addiction or my mental illness?

Filed under: Uncategorized

Well, now I have a psychiatrist

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in a while, since Dr N left and moved to a different city. He’s coming back though, but my referral went through at the hospital, and I’m seeing Dr M again, next Wednesday. I liked him. I do want to read the report he wrote about me, for my GP, though.

I’ve got a part time job. I do IT for 2 small companies in a small city. My boss is sort of intimidating, but I’m getting used to it. I had last week and this week off because he was out of town, and the construction on the roads were so bad the places had to be closed. That would piss me off if I ran the place.



This is how I feel as an IT worker. Beats McDonalds though!

The Consta was increased to 37.5mg every other week. I’m on Dexedrine now. I have fun on the phone with the pharmacy earlier. I called to let them know I needed it for tomorrow (my pill organizer was empty, but I had dropped a couple pills in my med safe) and they called back going “You had a 30 day supply!” and I grabbed the (empty) bottle and read off the date, pills, and dosage. The Dexedrine is stronger than Ritalin in a smaller dose, and I find it very helpful. It doesn’t make me as anxious as the Ritalin did, either.


How I feel sometimes

I got an, “Oh. Let me look that up”, ad was proven right. I can pick it up on Friday. They always fuck something up, but they’re one of the better pharmacies, sadly. And they’re right across the street from me, its literally, walk down the stairs, cross the street, walk in.


I feel like this when dealing with my current pharmacy. However, it’s better than this:


How my last pharmacy made me feel


Thankfully, this hasn’t happened at my current pharmacy. It has happened at others. I give them an A+

The Consta shots I’m finding a bit painful, and they sometimes make a muscle in my poor butt twitch during. I’ve had a couple I haven’t felt, and two that haven’t been great. One of those was in my arm, ugh, that sucked. The pain isn’t terrible, and it goes away really quickly. There is no aching or soreness after if its your butt that’s stabbed, but arm is another story.


Sometimes I feel like this, too.

I had a horse show last weekend. I didn’t place at all (I was in a class of 20, and my horse was going full-speed-ahead) but i had a lot of fun and nearly died in the heat. It was almost 40C (110F) out. I was wearing full show gear.


Sully (“Sultan of Swing”) and I before our class.



Giving Sully a hug for being a good boy.



Sully says, “I’d rather go home and go to sleep”.

Isn’t he a cutie pie? He’s a 15 year old Trakehner and is lovely. He’s a sweet horse, he did chomp on my ribs one day while I did up his girth, and he’s great for confidence and has beautiful gaits. He’s such a sweetie, and a good boy. He knows who I am now, and he’ll knicker at me from the paddock, and come right to me. That’s because I spoil him!

So that’s about it for now.

If I disappeared, no-one would notice

If I disappeared, no one would notice; at least for a while, perhaps longer. They would notice things like no dinners made, no laundry washed, no house cleaned. They would notice things like cupboards bare, perhaps a bit more mess … Continue reading

Uneventful and I Like It

Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.

I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.

Career Suicide

I’ve been unemployed now for 4 1/2 months, so I’ve had quite a bit of time to think about my late lamented nursing career and wonder what the hell my next act is supposed to be.  Still haven’t figured that one out, but then maybe I’m not meant to. I don’t know. I’ve been talking to God about this, but either He’s not answering the phone or I’m just not hearing Him through all the static.

As uncomfortable and humiliating as all this is, I remain firmly grounded in the fact that I am not a loser. Getting that State job proved that to me once and for all. I may be rocking the Morticia Addams look and I’m a lot overweight, but I’ve been successful before and I will be again somehow. I’m terrified that my unemployment benefits will run out before I get another chance at it, but at least I’m not running around feeling like the world’s biggest screw-up.

Not that I don’t have my moments of feeling guilty. I look at Will sometimes and want to weep because I’ve dragged him along through my catastrophes for 34 years, and too often he’s been the one to clean up after me. But those feelings are getting fewer and farther between as I come to grips with the fact that I really do have a problem that’s not fixable. Manageable, yes, but I can no more cure it than I can fly to the moon. And that’s not my fault.

This is a seismic shift in my thought processes. My first instinct is to put the blame for everything that’s gone wrong since 1959 squarely on my own shoulders. I can almost hear my mother saying, “What’s the matter with you, why didn’t you try harder?” But now I can shut that voice up because I know that I did try…..and kept trying until it almost killed me.

Yes, I did commit career suicide by getting sick at a crucial point in that career and “coming out” with my illness, and I’m probably going to be paying for it for the rest of my days. But I also know that if I could have done things differently, I would have.

No one chooses to have a dramatic breakdown at work. No one chooses to be summoned to her director’s office and told “It’s not your fault you’re being fired, it’s your brain chemistry.” No one chooses to lose the lifestyle she has worked so hard for to mental illness. But shit happens, and along with it comes the hard work of putting things together in a way that makes sense given my new reality. I haven’t received the instructions yet, and the kit looks like it’s missing a few pieces…..looks like I’m going to have to learn to improvise. Again. So what else is new?