At the waiting room of my psych doc my mind was rushing with idiotic ideas that caused knots it my stomach.
1: smile, don’t let the other waiting room patients know you are about to cry
2: the doc is going to increase the antipsychotic, try not to cry
3: This is a sign of failure, try not to cry
4: don’t be mean to yourself, choke back tears
5: the lady next to me is thinking about how distraught I look, you don’t know that
6: people I love secretly can’t stand me. I can’t stand me, try not to cry
(I get called into the office)
Dr: How have you been?
Me: I don’t know because I have been so stuck in my head I can’t reasonably understand how I really feel. I feel no one wants to love me, I feel afraid of living like this forever, I feel guilt, shame, and hungry.
Dr: That is not good In the Pink. How has your sleep and anxiety been?
Me: (sobbing) I just want to be okay to get out of the house. I am not cleaning at all, I am not showering, I am disgusted with me, I have been having panic attacks on a weekly basis, and I wish I could just sleep till this is over.
Okay, so you get the nature of my last months appointment. I am doing better now and the Abilify was increased from 5mg to 10 mg and it is helping. Also it is enhancing my hunger. I need to work on self control but also I need to see a cardiologist because I am very big and my legs get very weak when I walk as well as I get dizzy and faint in the shower.
My first post in months and all I can do is complain. Forgive me…..I have missed you all.
