Daily Archives: August 5, 2014

Bipolar 1 most recent episode depressed

At the waiting room of my psych doc my mind was rushing with idiotic ideas that caused knots it my stomach.

1: smile, don’t let the other waiting room patients know you are about to cry

2: the doc is going to increase the antipsychotic, try not to cry

3: This is a sign of failure, try not to cry

4: don’t be mean to yourself, choke back tears

5: the lady next to me is thinking about how distraught I look, you don’t know that

6: people I love secretly can’t stand me. I can’t stand me, try not to cry

(I get called into the office)

Dr: How have you been?

Me: I don’t know because I have been so stuck in my head I can’t reasonably understand how I really feel. I feel no one wants to love me, I feel afraid of living like this forever, I feel guilt, shame, and hungry.

Dr: That is not good In the Pink. How has your sleep and anxiety been?

Me: (sobbing) I just want to be okay to get out of the house. I am not cleaning at all, I am not showering, I am disgusted with me, I have been having panic attacks on a weekly basis, and I wish I could just sleep till this is over.

Okay, so you get the nature of my last months appointment. I am doing better now and the Abilify was increased from 5mg to 10 mg and it is helping. Also it is enhancing my hunger. I need to work on self control but also I need to see a cardiologist because I am very big and my legs get very weak when I walk as well as I get dizzy and faint in the shower.

My first post in months and all I can do is complain. Forgive me…..I have missed you all.


When you live with a chronic illness, counting out your meds can be very Zen.

What A Long, Strange Trip It’s Been

Well, the Garage Sale of the Decade is over and we are getting back to baseline (whatever that is), except for the need to box up our leftovers and schlep ‘em to Goodwill. While we didn’t do anywhere near as well on Sunday as we did Saturday, the sale was still worth doing, and we have no regrets. I have about five or six new spider bites and my back is sore from lugging stuff in and out of the garage, but all in all it was a decent experience and we met some really nice people in the bargain.

Still, I’m glad Will took down the signs he posted all over the neighborhood. I didn’t put dates on them, just directions and times, and the last thing either of us want is to deal with this again NEXT weekend. The football preseason is starting and I want to stay home Saturday and watch whatever exhibition games are on, and on Sunday I want to go to Mass. We’ve missed it for three weeks running and we need regular infusions of faith to stay strong in our everyday lives.

What a long, hot, strange summer this has been so far. Everything is still up in the air—I have no job, we don’t know when, where, or even IF we’re going to move, the house is a mess. Our closest child and her family are planning to move 130 miles away, which means seeing a lot less of our grandkids. Will is holding his own as far as his cancer is concerned, but it’s still there casting its shadow while I apparently have developed some trouble of my own, and who knows how that will all settle out.

I hate this. But I’m sane, and I’m grateful for it.

It could be so much worse. I’ve been known to decompensate over a hell of a lot less. Yes, I can feel the stirrings of hypomania, but the medications are stronger than the illness now. It’s amazing to walk through the chaos of my life and home and not feel utterly frantic. I loathe uncertainty, and I wish it would all go away and things could be “normal” again. But I’m handling it, and it’s all because I’m not fighting with my disease so much. Dr. A was right…..the mood swings are getting shorter and less severe, and the time between them is getting longer.

In a summer which has offered little to be happy about, this is a cause for celebration. Go me! 


Through A Glass Darkly

Dear blogging friends, I am going to publish something that may upset you.  Please believe me, I am not a person who judges others according to their race, religion, national origin, or beliefs….as long as those beliefs do not include racism, religious intolerance, espousal of genocide, hatred, murder, or the worship of martyrdom.

Unfortunately, the Jewish People have been on the receiving end of all of the negative things I’ve listed above.  The mere fact that we still exist is a miracle.

According the the Pew Research Religion and Public Life Project, the world religion landscape looks like this:

Christians 31.5%

Muslims 23.2%

Unaffiliated 16.3%

Hindus 15%

Buddhists 7.1%

Folk Religionists 5.9%

Other Religions 0.8%

Jews 0.2%

That’s right, folks, Jews make up 0.2% of world religions!  Yet not one day goes by that the Jews are not in the news.  Jews in the News!

Jews make up 22% of Nobel Laureates, even though we make up 0.2% of the world’s religious affiliation.

It is my opinion that the overwhelming success of the Jewish People in education, business, academics, medicine, and survival of the endless persecutions we have endured, have made us even more hated by those who would wipe us off the face of the earth.

Now, Israel.

First of all I must make a few remarks about the recent (i.e., not Biblical) history of the connection of the Land of Israel and the Jewish People.

In the year 70 of the Common Era, the very same Romans who killed not only Jesus, but hundreds of other Jewish martyrs–in the year 70 of the Common Era (Jews reckon time differently), the Romans sacked Jerusalem and drove the Jews into the hills.  In the year 640 C.E., the Moslem Conquest replaced the Romans, and the Jews were faced with forced conversion, death, or eviction from The Land.

Most fled, many chose forced conversion rather than leave the beloved Land, and some disappeared into crevices and caves.  They never left.  They are still there, but now live openly in their Land.

The Land then underwent a period of serial conquests by Christians and various Caliphates, finally settling into the Ottoman Empire, ceding to the British Empire, and finally becoming the Jewish State in 1948.

Even though the State of Israel began with a vicious war and has been at war ever since, Jews from other Middle Eastern countries such as Morocco, Egypt, Algiers, Iraq, Iran, Syria, etc. etc. made their way back home–some voluntarily, and many because of forced evictions from their home countries, which became one by one Islamized and forced the Jews out violently.  In fact, some 900,000 Middle Eastern Jews were evicted starting in the late 1800s and continuing until now, when the few staunch holdouts are finally being forced out or outright killed.

Back to Israel.  Did you know that tiny Israel, the size of the state of Rhode Island (the smallest state in the United States), is surrounded by 23 Moslem countries?  Take a look at the map on the Pew Foundation map to get an idea of what that looks like.

You must understand, we are a thorn in the Moslem Middle East’s side!  What is this tiny state full of historic enemies doing right in the middle of a solid bloc of Moslem countries?

And to add insult to injury, we (Israel) have taken in several other ethnic groups that are unwelcome and have been severely persecuted in Moslem countries: Baha’i, Druze, Christians (of course!),  and although no one wants to admit it, the Bedouin, who were at one time a migratory people with their own belief system and language, who now live in Israel (not without their own set of problems, but they have the same rights as anyone else in Israel).

Now we come to the Palestinian People and the awful conflicts we have.

Everyone who does not understand the fundamental differences between the Palestinians and the Jews likes to point to the 0.2% and shout, “Why can’t you just get along?”

This is why.

Le’Chayim!  To Life!  We will live and not die, even if we must fight and fight to keep on living.  Le’Chayim!