The OK Day

There are times when you are Bipolar that you can literally and physically stop yourself, flip through the pages of your mind, and come to a conclusion.  I am OK.  Right now, at this moment, I have all I need, and I feel good.  You put away all of the what if thinking that has you worried what tomorrow will bring.  You live in that moment, and damn….it’s a good feeling. 


My OK Day was yesterday.  I stopped for a moment and remembered how completely in love I am in with my husband, and that through everything, I will forever be grateful for his presence in my life.  He had just left the house to run an errand, and I needed him to know that I was OK.  I sent him a text thanking him for being my knight in shining armor.  That is what he is to me, and he is my everything. 


So, now that you have found your moment of bliss, the next thing you or your loved ones say is, “Let’s hope it lasts a little while.”  It’s a normal reaction.  It would be phenomenal if the path to a happy life was paved with hope.  Once that statement is made, the tiny little bit of logic I have resting somewhere in my brain reminds me to stop.  Don’t hope for more.  Live with what you have right now.


I learned a long time ago that one of the biggest traits that my depression brings out in me is the fear of failure.  One thing goes wrong, and that’s it….I failed…..AGAIN. 
So, I say to myself when I am fortunate enough to realize I am on that path, don’t hope.  Ironically enough, most people reach out and hold onto hope like it’s their life line.  I cannot.  What happens if I don’t have another good day tomorrow?  What if I spent my one good opportunity just hoping for the next?


It creeps up on me slowly, but it’s always there.  The F word.  You failed.  Another hope, dream, goal, and plan for your future is unattainable because you let your depression steal it from you.  And whether this makes sense to the average person or not, our brains will turn this into our biggest failure yet. 


Regret and guilt will soon follow, and you wonder if you were ever really happy at all.  I know how “crazy” it all sounds.  When I say crazy, I mean silly, odd, strange, and even peculiar.  Not mentally ill.  Even as I write this, I wonder who will truly understand. 


Everything I write has a purpose, and because of that, I feel like everything I write has an audience.  Even if this blog reaches ONE person who has felt as I have, I’ve succeeded in what I was trying to do. 

And for that reason, and many others, I finally had my OK Day. 

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