Daily Archives: July 18, 2014

I was up until 4:30 a.m. with my kid. It’s been so long since she has slept through the night I don’t even really know what a good night’s rest is anymore. By four when she started a screaming mimi because I offered her cheese instead of a cookie for her “growling tummy”…I just shut her door and let her cry it out. I’m fed up and exhausted.

In spite the rough night, my mood wasn’t so bad when she got me back up a little before 8. Not elated but not too shabby.

The anxiety began to run rampant as the morning wore on. We were out in the dish doing yard sales and I had an appt. The kid was on full automatic today, an Uzi to the brain as well as an AK-47, and she was using hollowpoints. Bex got fed up within ninety minutes. We were both relieved when after lunch, she went down for a nap.

My mood just kept dipping. No real reason. Once ensconced in my safe zone I was less freaked out. Especially with the cease in 4 year old verbal gunfire. But for whatever reason, the mood just began to sink. Low. Lower. Lowest. My focus is in the gutter, my anxiety has me feeling like every neuron is misfiring, and there seems to be no light on the horizon. Which is bizarre because last night we watched Malcolm In The Middle and my mood was up and I laughed until my sides split.

I don’t get why the mood swings are so sudden. I am so sick of being told to identify a trigger. If there were any, I’d be thrilled to ID them and work toward coping better.

I am so looking forward to nothing but bedtime. I even declined an invitation to R’s house without even thinking to consult Becca and Spook. I am that worn down and low. Last week, I’d been disappointed we weren’t invited. It’s just a constant ebb and flow and there are no triggers. It’s gotten better with the Lamictal and Paxil doses being split between morning and afternoon, the crashes tend to be less severe. Nonetheless they still happen and it doesn’t feel like the meds are making me very asymptomatic. I still have another month before I see the shrink since she took 2 months off.

All things considered, things have gotten much better. The winter depression abyss makes even minimal improvement seem awesome. By comparison, this is happy fun ball time. Except it’s not with any stability. Up, down, all around.

Becca offered to watch Spook earlier so i could catch a nap. I’m really grateful but the control freak in me, combined with an unwillingness to shirt responsibility for my kid and the whole thing where I don’t fall asleep when intending to sleep…I’m toughing it out.

Who knows, by bedtime, my mood may swing to the other polar end. It has been every night for a couple of weeks now. Even if I go to my room, I’m usually awake for two or three more hours as my brain decides that is an excellent time to kick up a tornado of thoughts.

And I can never relax enough to fall asleep in a timely fashion because I live in terror of the spawn waking up. I purposely waited til 1 am to shower last night so I could actually relax…And there she was, two minutes in, pounding on the door, wanting this and that, NOW.

I’d like my Unabomber cave now, provided it has indoor plumbing and wifi.

Maybe soundproof rooms with stainless steel triple deadbolted doors.

She’d just get armor piercing rounds.

I love being a mom, I really do, but I’ve had maybe 5 days over three years of  a break from her. She’s kicked my ass.

And maybe she’s irritating and relentless but to an extent, I’ve just  always required so much alone time and personal space, me feeling smothered is my neuroses. Doesn’t make it any less authentic.

I feel like such a whiny jerk when I think of other parents who have 3,4,5 kids. They know hard work and stress and true exhaustion and no personal space. They’re not bitching and moaning.

I’m circling the drain with one kid.

But if you throw in my Disneyland of mental disorders, it’s sort of like trying to juggle multiple kids with defiance issues, ADHD, anxiety disorder, mood swings, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Mine started when I was about 12.  I had a math teacher who would let me go sit in a dark room adjacent to his classroom if it got really bad.  His wife had them too, so he understood.  Coincidentally, I also had just recently gotten braces, so I always wondered if there was a correlation.

My teens were not excruciating as far as migraines went, but once I hit my 20’s, they doubled in length, intensity, and frequency. By the time I turned 28, and I was about to get married, I was getting probably 5-10 a month.  It seemed like each year they got worse in one way or another. 
We moved in 2002, and after that I would get these marathon migraines that would last for 4-5 days, and I always ended up in the ER. 

I had been complaining about these issues since I was 12, but no doctor was ever able to offer the correct advice.  I’ve been on many medications, stopped taking aspirin, only to have the headaches quadruple, and been to the ER so many times I can’t even count anymore. Not to mention, tried several different types of eyeglasses.  For a while there, I was taking a medication that worked about 85% of the time, which was a wonderful thing for me.  Eventually, it started producing crippling side effects that I just couldn’t deal with anymore, so here I am, back at square one. 

The last time I was placed in the psychiatric “hospital” I spoke with a nurse practitioner there that had spent a great deal of time working with a neurologist.  I looked at her and I told her that no one could figure out why this kept happening.  She looked at me as serious as anyone ever has and said, “Honey, there is no reason for you to keep getting these migraines.  You have MIGRAINE BRAIN.  You were born with it, and it’s never going to go away”. 

I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew that was the case.  I mean when you’re in the ER on Morphine and your head still hurts, you’re probably up the proverbial creek without a paddle.  So, this is why I get aggravated when people give me all of their wonderful herbal remedies, or the number of the best doctor ever, or suggest some new medication.  It’s a give and take, I guess.  As sick as they are of hearing about my headaches, is probably pretty close to how sick I am of hearing about their miracle cures. 

This is just something I am going to have to manage, just like my depression.  It’s going to mess things up, cause me a lot of pain, and probably piss a lot of people off, but I don’t have time to worry about that anymore.  I have to worry about having some type of life despite all of the obstacles placed in front of me. 

So, there you have it.  When I say I have a headache, I’m not screwing around trying to be funny.  I am probably in horrible, excruciating, blinding pain with no end in sight.  It’s OK for you to say, I hope you feel better.  Just please don’t tell me what your best friend’s cousin twice removed that is related to a doctor told her to do and it worked this one time.  I don’t care.  Not to be an ass, but it’s the truth.  I just don’t.  What I care about is working through it, like I always do, and coming out on the other end pain free.  Yes, at this point I am at about 10-12 headaches per month, but guess what?  That’s down from 15, so I guess I’ll take that as a sign of good things to come. 

It’s like I’ve said before, you can’t possibly walk a mile in my shoes, or anyone else’s.  They don’t fit, and you would be bitching to get them off in about a minute and a half, so don’t even try.  Just be there to understand, and maybe once in a while check in and see how that person is doing.  None of us is asking you to FIX it.  We just want to be understood.