It’s been a little over a year since the events that landed me in that hell hole of a hospital. Some are really good, positive changes. Some are very hard and painful but had to be made to preserve my sanity. A lot of people in my life, including family members made the choice to consistently remind me that they possess no ability whatsoever to show compassion. I truly don’t believe that realize that they came very close to losing me forever. Perhaps they just didn’t care. I don’t know, either way I can’t let their ignorance weigh me down any further.
With a lot of hard work, and a lot of support from the people that do genuinely care, I am better today. I no longer wish I wasn’t here anymore. There are days where the struggle just seems to be far too much, and I want to give in. The important thing is that I don’t, even if it’s just to show the people out there that believe I cannot do it, I still keep putting one foot in front of the other.
This last month has been hard for me. It’s been hard for me to even attempt to write. I guess I had high hopes that my writing and my book was good enough to become something much bigger, and it would appear that is not the case, so yes I sunk into depression. I am not beating myself up over it anymore. Yes, I thought a 30 year old dream was finally coming through, but it isn’t, and I have to accept it.
Adversity is around every corner, regardless of whether you are bipolar or not. I tend to cower in fear when it strikes, but sooner or later I’ll remember why I do this, and the people that have told me that I have helped them, and I feel like just maybe I can keep going. Am I sad? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. Will I let this define me? No. You may be like me and choose to hide from the “icky” feelings, but sooner or later you are going to have to come out and face them. Life is full of “icky” feelings, and if you spend your life afraid of processing your depression, grief, sadness, disappointment….well, you’ll be hiding forever, and really what kind of life is that?
I guess I am just a little lost in my own head right now, and that is OK. I just can’t set up permanent residence there. I will come out on the other side of this devastation a better person, but it will take time, and I am OK with that.
As far as the difference between this year and last year? I have eliminated so much of the stress, medication, and people that helped me get to that point where I wanted to go to sleep, and if I woke up, whatever, if not….that was fine too. It’s been a painful journey, I will not lie to you. If you take away nothing else, just know that not one thing, not one person, not one event is worth losing your life. If someone has a problem with you, it’s NOT your problem. Move on, and enjoy some peace in your life. You deserve it.
