Weather was lovely today, cool, alternating between gray and sunny.
My skin and scalp allergies decided it would be a lovely day to act out and start covering me in itchy hives that are driving me nuts.
I cleaned Mrs. R’s house. Had to collect payment from him which sent him into a tirade. I waited over an hour and asked several times for it, and got a lecture on “where is she getting all this extra money.” Um, dude, it’s your wife, take it up with her. He really irked me. Nothing new there.
By then my irritation and anxiety were crawling into the danger zone. Picked up my kid, came home, calmed down.
Went to the grocery store which was crawling with people with overflowing carts taking forever in line. While I had an armful of stuff and not one said, oh, I have 500 items, why don’t you go ahead with your six? Ass trash.
I just feel out of sorts. The anxiety has reached fever pitch but for no good reason. My stomach is knotted. The hives are making me want to use a potato peeler to scrape off all my skin. I am looking forward to little more than going to sleep yet if the pattern of late holds, by the time I can go to bed, I will be wide awake.
Paranoia is creeping in. Nose itching, someone’s coming or calling. Ear itching, someone is talking trash about me. Maintenance guys working next door…they’re spying on me so they can find a reason to evict me. Everyone’s moving out at the first of the month…Oh, god they’re selling the building out from under me, they lied. (God knows it couldn’t have anything to do with the six notices they’ve sent out this year about people not paying rent on time and them all possibly being evicted or choosing to leave because they are so far behind…Nooo, scumbag brain sees the worst possible scenario and runs with it and logic is frowned upon in this establishment.)
Earlier, I felt good and actually liked being me. I felt content. Accepting of myself and all my flaws.
Right now, I hate everything about being me. Especially these itchy maddening fucking hives. And paranoid scumbag brain that NEVER functions the same way two days in a row. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s…
My lot in life.
Bum Bin. Derriere garbage.
And tomorrow…I may be on a mood upswing.
I’d sell my soul to the devil just for stable moods and a brain that doesn’t betray me daily.