Shrink appointment. I drop my guard and tell her I am feeling better but not optimal…
BAM! She throws out, “You have borderline tendencies because you can’t see shades of gray.”
I see EVERYTHING in shades of gray, by my estimation. I have written poems about it, ffs. I know who I am, but I worry about how I am perceived, thus shades of gray…I see me as fairly decent, others see me as difficult, thus a shade of gray impasse.
Seriously…this goes beyond denial of my flaws. This is genuine confusion because I have been in treatment and therapy for 20 plus years and just this last 12 months is the first I have EVER heard “borderline” in conjuction with myself.
I lived all these hears as “not otherwise specified” or”potentially schizotypal.” EVERY goddamn shrink and counselor has some different diagnosis.
If it’s my PERSONALITY then why am I taking all these side effect laden drugs? Drugs won’t fix what is inherently wrong with ME. So if that’s the issue, TELL me so I can work on it and not take this godawful toxin everyday.
I admit to having facets from a multitude of disorders thus the NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFICED diagnosis. I could live with it because it made sense.
Now I’m being told that was wrong and this is more likely the culprit.
Bipolar and borderline mimick each other so closely. The main difference seem to be a history of abuse (I do not qualify) and the speed of mood swings. I rapid cycle (thus being diagnosed as CYCLOTHYMIC). It’s like every doctor disregards the prior doctor and counselor’s input and just makes up their own. This is fine if you have a vast disagreement with the diagnosis. But if you’re simply not sure because you’ve never had a case like this one…
I have had days where I was at a funeral and bouncing off the walls with mania.
I have had days where everything was perfect but I was in tears.
Just because my cycles are fast doesn’t mean it’s something else entirely. Besides, if any of these “professionals” did more than a 5 minute drive thru with me, they’d see my “disorders’ for the most part are learned from experiencing the worst life has to order. It’s not just me saying “Oh people are mean, I’m weird.” I didn’t think a damn thing was wrong with me, or others, until experiencing it daily for years and years.
Yes, I am ranting, and yes, I probably do sound borderline.
What I really am, is confused. I may be a mix of borderline and bipolar and I can live with that…But do NOT tell me I am making up the manic episodes just because they don’t adhere to your textbook definitions. I live it, I know it. When I am manic, NOTHING touches me, I am ten feet tall and bulletproof. My own mother could disown me and I’d still be on top of the world.
Fear of abandonment, my ass.
That would be consistent. I’ve had relationships crumble when I was manic and I was…untouchable.
So call me what you will but make it accurate. The only aspect of borderline that remotely fits is the rapid cycling. I can’t help if my moods don’t adhere to strict book guidelines. The fact that they aren’t directly tied to outside stressors tell me all I need to know. There are days when everything is good and the mood still crashes. There is NO stressor, it just happens.
Will the professionals ever see this as fact? No, and how could they, when they spend 5 minutes with me? Bex has been with me every day for a month, we’ve yet to have a fight, and the only accommodation either of us has made is to simply let the other be when the mood shifts.
From everything I’ve read and been told, borderlines can’t live peacefully with ANYONE.
It ultimately doesn’t matter what label they slap on me.
I’m dysfunctional, period, and I get that. Rather than getting any credit for seeking help and making an effort, I just get saddled with more labels to confuse me and make me…confused. At this point, I am once again thinking, “If it’s my personality, it’s no wonder the meds don’t work so why am I even bothering?”
If the professionals want to know why people go off their meds…maybe they should look within their own community. You confuse people who care barely gather enough thought to walk and chew gum at the same time, it’s going to happen.
What disorder do I have since this whole episode made me pissed off rather than depressed and weepy? Because ya know, feeling emotions of any sort, MUST be a disorder.
I just want to know, beyond doubt, what is wrong with me. Since the professionals can’t agree…
I think I am going to diagnose myself with “I just don’t give a fuck anymore” disorder and be done with it.
About as legitimate as all their other fucking labels.