Daily Archives: June 14, 2014

Welcome back, Anger! How I’ve missed you!

I can feel myself start to slip back into my old angry ways.

I am so irritated at everything and everyone.
I’m starting to feel angry and impatient.
I CAN NOT sleep at night.
I feel my mind running and ideas popping up every second.

I told my husband that I was feeling bad, hint to him saying that I’m not taking my meds and maybe he should notice, and he says to me ‘maybe it’s your period’

Really? My period. GOD.
I really want to punch him out and everyone that says anything to me.

…but really it’s no one else’s fault but my own that I’m not keeping up with my health, but what is the fucking point of family and friends when no one calls you out or helps keep you on track.

I’m by myself in this world.
I’ll die myself
That’s all I need.

Filed under: Ranting

We are the X-Men


So I stumble on a fellow soldier that is looking for some help. If you can help, please do!!

Good luck to them and to us all!

Originally posted on Bipolar Barbie-Q:

After the fiasco at the pharmacy I broke down at home. I was angry, I was depressed, and feeling hopeless. My health insurance dropped me because I couldn’t pay the premium, apparently there wasn’t enough money in the account it was supposed to debit from, and when I went to pick up my prescriptions the insurance had been removed from the system. I had no idea, never got a letter. So instead of a 200 dollar bill for 3 prescriptions, it was 700 out of pocket. I went home with my heart pumping wildly. The pharmacist gave me 2 nights worth of Luvox to hold me over until I figure something out. I’ve already missed two doses trying to figure out how I was going to be able to pay for it period.

My dad who was equally as frustrated at the situation as I was asked me why I was…

View original 548 more words

Filed under: Ranting

Racing Thought Syndrome

The racing thoughts are at it again, like annoying little hamsters on their squeaky little wheels. Dozens of them running all at once, crowding my head, and making me need to write to purge them all. But they are so scattered I can barely snatch a thought out of the air before ten more stomp in.

I’m not really manic, but this is a facet of bipolar disorder. The mind goes manic while the body doesn’t.

Yesterday started out ok, was at the shop for like 7 hours. Busy, busy. Then I hit the wall at 2pm, anxiety skyrocketed which made the defensive anger boil up. And I kept saying, I need to leave now…And kept getting, “Can you do this before you go…and that…and oh, this. By the way, go get my beer before you leave..”

Yeah, his beer is so fucking important. How is that part of any job or job like endeavor?

Then when I finally escaped, I got home to find my dad’s clan here. Which delayed opening the wine for a half hour. I was not amused. I took a Xanax right in front of them, I was so freaked out.I do not do the dish with any grace when it’s in large doses. Small doses I can cope. Hours and hours…the little hamsters in my head run riot and my central nervous system follows. I used to get all timid and mousy, like a cat cowering in a corner. Then I learned that that made people uncomfortable so I worked really hard to cope differently. Now it manifests as hateful anger. Not sure that’s an improvement.

We had R and his wife over last night. I was shocked they came because he always told me she didn’t like my home (ya know, people who live in trailer parks are scum and all) but she denies it and now he denies saying it. Of course. I feel those wheels of the bus he threw me under smashing my bones…

It was fun. His wife is fun when she gets to drinking. Bex and I are fun, too.

Today we went to yard sales. My kid had a screaming mimi at one and I had to pick her up and carry her while she was thrashing and yelling. Then she had the nerve to gripe one of my nails snagged her. She hovers between angel and devil, it’s like a 4 year old version of bipolar me. She even rapid cycles.

God, my head is racing. I am writing this, then I switch to the other window to write in the other blog. Geesh, this is crazy.

Maybe a Xanax is in order. It supposedly slows the mind down. I’ve never really observed that. It calms me, as a whole, but I’ve never noticed it doing shit to shut the eeeevil brain up.

Now I am done with the dish and am ready to sit home and vegetate. My kid has company to entertain her and Bex is eating a baked potato and we are watching “Murder By Numbers.” And a kitten is crying.

The glamorous life. It suits me just fine.

Ack! Ack!

Oh noes! Another business meeting/training session/lunch!

On Wednesday – not much time to get ready.

Panic? Check.

Hair appointment? Check.

Therapist appointment? Check.

Everything else? Not check.

Will I ever be able to do this again without freaking out? Guess that’s a question for my therapist.

Bonus Material (Actual Conversation)

Me (distraught): I have to find something to wear!

Husband (helpful): What about that white thing you wore last time?

Me (gently): It’s June, and that was a turtleneck with long sleeves.

Husband (no particular tone of voice): Oh.

(I didn’t bother explaining that it was actually off-white and I couldn’t wear the same thing to two of these events in a row. The seasonal thing was a big enough information bite.)

Nope, Not Yet

Alas, yesterday would have been an awesome day to have a kid. It was Friday the 13th, the moon was full, and Lilbit has referred to the baby as her ‘smooky baby’ since December. As this always struck me as a portmanteau of ‘smoky’ and ‘spooky’, it gave me hope! Plus, it’s sort of ‘my’ holiday; when I was in school, I threw a sleepover most every single Friday the 13th, and I was a goth in high school. It would have been most mete, but ah well — babies come when they’re ready, and this one seems to be happy moving into overtime jabbing at me through the skin.

As it were though, I’m not feeling too antsy now that I know the end is properly in sight. And also, because we got an unexpected child-free night last night. Lilbit is a good kid, but I think she’s been picking up on our antsy and acting it out, and a night without her in the house was very soothing to myself and the husband-fellow.


Crochet (Granny Squares!)

So for now, I’m just keeping myself distracted with crafting. I’d initially done a crochet blanket for the little one to match the one I did for Lilbit. It’s the same ‘pattern’, but different colours. It was pretty fun both times, and easy to make.


Ye Olde Stockinette Stitch (aka, the backbone of most knitting)

To help pass the time though (and use up a rather large ball of wool), I decided I’d knit a blanket as well. Lilbit has a purple one, so I figured — granny squares for both, purple for both, and all’s fair in crafting and love! For the purple one, I figured I’d go until it was at least 2 feet long, then call it done. and then I decided I’d go until I ran out of wool, or ran out of baby. This was one of those monstrously huge balls of wool… 400, 500 grams? Bigger? And it seems I’m probably going to run out of wool indeed. Ah well! This is one I made with carting the newborn around the house in, so if it’s a bit longer, I guess that’s okay too. I’ll keep going as long as I can, and then find something else to make.

So, in short — still waiting, still managing to stay cheerful and sane, though hopefully it won’t be too too much longer! I very much want to be back on my meds and to get a proper night of sleep. And, of course, because I look forward to seeing what continued progress I can make on improving my mental state once I have that foundation back under me. :D


The post Nope, Not Yet appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Another Mental Health Hero

Anna Clendening is my new mental health hero. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression, she went from not being able to leave her home to singing in front of millions of people in just a few months. Of course, we all have varying degrees of our symptoms, but I can’t help but be impressed. * SAPPINESS […]

The post Another Mental Health Hero appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Why can’t I think like this…

Why can't I think like this...

My brain is always looking for the next problem that I will have to face.
I can never think of anything positive..

How do you think positive??

Filed under: depressed, photos

How My Dad has Helped me with my Bipolar Disorder

dad grad3As I have mentioned many times before, my mother has been very supportive of me during my life regarding my mental illness.  She went into psychiatric nursing to learn as much as she could about my mental illness, she has listened to me so many times and seen me shed many tears.  She has loved me unconditionally even though during times I was the sickest I have been outright cruel.  Because of her, I am still alive.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day and therefore I want to talk about how supportive my dad has been too.  He has been there when I need to talk. He gives great advice and I wouldn’t be here if it went for his support and love.   I have been blessed with two wonderful parents. They both have accepted me for who I am.

I admire my dad. He has always been a hard worker. He is creative, intelligent, goal-driven, a leader, and loves his family.  I am so proud to be his daughter.

There have been so many times he has listened to me when I have been in tears.  Neither one of my parents allow me to have self-pity. However, they both understand that my depression and mania are chemical imbalances.

When I was first diagnosed, it was devastating to our whole family.  However, my parents stuck by my side and helped me get through it all.  There were nights I would not sleep at all and one of them would stay up with me.  There were times when I was manic that they had to literally rescue me.

They would have take time off and travel from NY to Florida to get me admitted to a psychiatric hospital or take me back to New York. There was one time that I disappeared and they had to use law enforcement to find me. I had bought a new car and had gotten engaged (using their money for the engagement ring).  My dad was able to get the car salesman to take the car back and got the ring returned.

Out of all the things that my dad has done for me, I vividly remember one night he stayed up with me when I was about 17 and got me through the night. We talked about so many things and him caring meant so much to me. Another time, I remember him trying so hard to get me to relax when I just couldn’t because I was manic. Yes-he was probably frustrated, but him wanting to help me  meant a lot.

When I was diagnosed, I would have understood if my parents were embarrassed.  I know they kept my illness from others mostly at my request.  However, they never let me know think they were ashamed of me.

They have continuously throughout my life let me know that they are proud of me and admire my strength.

I love my parents so much and have never doubted their love for me.  I have heard of so many people that have been abandoned by their families.  Some are told that they don’t have a mental illness. Others  have no desire to learn anything about their mental illness. Living with someone who has a mental illness is not easy.  However, my parents have stuck by my side and I know they will continue to do so.  I sometimes wonder why. I am not sure if I would have stuck around the way I have treated them.

Thanks Mom and Dad! Happy Father’s Day Dad!!!




I’m awake

because of mental fucking illness.

because my mind is running running.

because I don’t feel sleepy, but should go to bed.

because I’m too angry!


Filed under: Ranting

Lucky 13th

It's a special night tonight...once a decade, the full moon falls on Friday the Thirteenth. My husband's friends believe in tempting -- or scoffing -- fate. Because for them, every Friday the Thirteenth is Poker Night.