Daily Archives: June 7, 2014

Back Down The Rabbit Hole

My mood was fine for about 4 hours. Then I felt it slipping. And now, I am irritable and lethargic and back down the rabbit hole. It’s like a dark veil covers everything. Every little thing irks me. I can’t find a single thing that would cheer me up. It’s one of those “wait it out” depressive storms. Hate those with a passion.

We’ve been watching Deadly Women (again) and every time they talk about “drastic mood swings” I cringe. I wonder how many of these women got labeled borderline when in fact they are bipolar. No doubt some actually are borderline, but it’s such a fine line in diagnosis and each therapist and shrink comes with their own propensity toward one or the other…I just wonder how many people, like I was for all those years, diagnosed improperly thus robbed of years of their lives. And saddled with a label of “difficult” “Moody” “Bitchy” “Mean” “Unstable”. Like bipolar is personality and it is so not.

Earlier I felt good. We went to some yard sales and my energy was up. Literally, for no reason, from out of nowhere, my mood just dropped into the abyss. Nothing happened. NOTHING. It’s like this ride they used to have at Six Flags, Tom’s Twister, where one minute you’re spinning and clinging to the walls…and the next, the floor drops out and you’re suspended and scared of slipping down the wall.

That’s what my mood swings are like when I hit rock bottom.

I want out of this mental space. I want my kid to stop whining and tantruming. I want my nerve endings to stop screaming at me with anxiety and irritation. I want the itchy hives of nervousness to go away.

THIS is the ultimate cruelty. To go so many days high functioning and level and relatively happy and content…to feeling this desolate, this stressed, this pissy. I don’t fucking get it, at all. If they wanted to make Gitmo prisoners go insane until they confessed to terrorism and the Lindburg kidnapping, they should just fuck with their brain chemicals like bipolar does. You get to a point where you scream uncle, cry mercy. It doesn’t do any good, of course.

You have to ride the storm out and pray you don’t spent too much time down the rabbit hole.

Ass trash.

WTH? Pigs Are Flying


One of my most favorite people in the blogosphere, DYANE, nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger award.  THANK YOU, DYANE!!!  You can check her out here:  http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/


The rules in accepting this award are as follows:

  • Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
  • List the rules and display the award.
  • Share seven facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 15 other amazing blogs (or any number that you choose, says Bipolaronfire) and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
  • Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Seven facts about me:

1. I looooove lip gloss.  LOVE IT!!  Especially sparkly lip gloss.  Bonus fact:  I don’t shoplift it any more.  Thank you, Topamax.

2. Well I love sparkly things a lot.  Like, sparkly fingernails and toenails.  I’ve got it goin’ on when it comes to sparkling.

3. I love purple.  LOVE!  Like, I’m thinking about spray-painting my car purple.  Would that ruin it?  Or make it the best ever?

4. I love to cuss.  I think it’s because I was brought up strict Catholic.  I can barely get out a sentence without a stray “Fuck” bursting through.

5. I am a ragin’ Cajun.  My great-great-grandfather was Governor of Louisiana.  THAT’S my excuse!

6. I am one of six kids.  And my mom didn’t even strangle ANY of us!

7. I speak a good amount of French and a teensy bit of Spanish.  I’m contemplating becoming an ESL teacher.

And now for the blogs I’d like to nominate for this award, in no particular order:








Enjoy these brilliant blogs!!






Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader, Very Inspiring Blogger Award

And Just Like That…..

…..things are back to normal. I don’t know the rhyme or reason why it happened, but that little burst of whatever-it-was is over and everything is A-OK again.
I have no idea what caused the hiccup. I was doing fine up until Sunday, and then things got weird. First I had that BRILLIANT idea of whacking my Zyprexa dose in half—that should’ve been my first clue that something was rotten in Hoboken—and then got nervous about finances, which promptly touched off an anxiety attack. No bueno. Then my thoughts started racing and I got wound up just like I do when I’m becoming hypomanic.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding. I was hypomanic. Not seriously, and not for very long, but the spell had all the earmarks of it, and you know what they say: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, well…..

There, I said it. I’m just glad I escaped from the mini-episode before it spun out of control. Yes, I admit I miss hypomania a little, but this brief taste of it reminded me of how much better life is when you have your head on straight. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to happen so I can get Will and myself out of this pickle we’re in, and I can’t do it if I’m all screw-loosey.

Today I’ve been able to focus again, and I sent out two more employment applications and resumes with minimal difficulty. My thoughts have settled back into coherence and I’m not jumping out of my skin or tapping my feet and fingers to anything but the music playing on my iPod. Even the restlessness has mostly gone away, and what remains, I can channel into something productive like deadheading the petunias.

I hate to admit it, but I really think God was trying to tell me something here, like maybe it’s too early to even consider decreasing the Vitamin Z. Maybe in another few weeks, like Dr. Awesomesauce proposed; but then maybe not. I’ve got to stop getting ahead of myself when it comes to making plans like that. No bipolar can plan for what will happen a week from now, let alone a month, six months, a year. Our moods are tricky and we don’t know HOW we’re going to feel at some future time.

But then, that doesn’t make us a whole lot different from anyone else; we simply have more difficulty maintaining our equilibrium when shit gets real (and sometimes even when it doesn’t). Unfortunately, shit is all too real right now. I’m just thankful to have dodged this particular bullet, because the last thing in the world Will and I need right now is for me to get sick again. This was nothing more than a little sinus condition. I am blessed indeed.



Working Again

I have a new job. 🙂

The company is great. It’s got just over 7.000 employees worldwide. The atmosphere is great, people are friendly and welcoming. They are taking a month to train us, before we ever go out on the floor and help customers (it’s a call-center). Getting 4 weeks of training is great, because it means that we should be well-able to handle almost all situations that come up without too much trouble after all this training.

I really like the atmosphere. It’s warm and welcoming. The office is huge and great. It’s colorful and has places for us to cool down and chill out during our breaks and lunch time. We have little lockers to put our bags in, and coat racks to put winter jackets in during colder months. The bright colors are nice. There are large glass windows that give stunning views of Bellevue (where the office is), and across to downtown Seattle in the distance. I think from some areas we can see Mt. Rainier out the windows.

I’m very excited to have this job. I was hired to be a German-language representative. So I get to help out customers who speak German on a daily basis. However, on a daily basis I will speak English as well, to back up the English speakers as needed. So I’m very happy that I get to use my German-language skills in my new job.

That’s what I’ve been dealing with for the last week, is my first week of training. Before that, I’ve been busy in orientation and getting all set up to start work here. That’s why my posting has been rather scant.