Daily Archives: June 4, 2014

Law and Order

Being out of work for over a month now, I fear I’ve slipped into some bad habits, even though I’m still looking for a job and making the rounds of interviews when I can get them. One of those habits is watching way too much television, which is something I didn’t do when I was younger but seems to have become the order of the day. Will is my partner in crime—he’s always watched a lot of TV—and for some reason, we seem to have settled on endless reruns of Law and Order SVU. 

The USA channel features an eight-hour marathon every weekday, and since we don’t like talk shows or give two shits about the Kardashians, a few daily doses of Stabler and Benson really hit the spot. And even though the stories are fictional, the show is a great reminder of the fact that no matter how badly things might suck at a given moment, there’s always someone out there who’s got it worse.

I’ve got to admit it: I think my chances of finding a job are really being harmed by the fact that I’ve had three jobs just in the past year. I’ve been a hiring manager myself, and when I was handed a resume that showed an applicant had bounced around a lot, I didn’t even interview that person. They might have turned out to be terrific employees, but I didn’t really care what their story was—there were always better candidates available, and those were the ones who got interviews.

Don’t worry, I’m not giving up hope. Not by a long shot. But I’m rapidly running out of opportunities to do something I know and can handle, so I may have to set my sights a bit lower for the time being. Who knows, maybe it IS time to try something completely new and different…..maybe this is God’s way of telling me to go simple because it’s what I need to do to stay well.

I have a doctor who might disagree with that view. He thinks I sell myself short, whereas I think I’m merely being realistic. But regardless of whom is right, I still have two big strikes against me: I’m not getting any younger, and I have this spotty work history. And I can’t do anything about either one of them.

In the meantime, I’m putting out feelers all over the place, staying positive, and resisting the urge to taper the Zyprexa sooner rather than later. With all the stress going on in my life, this is probably NOT the best time to mess with my meds. So if any of my friends are reading this, thanks for talking me out of it!

Oh, cool, another episode of L & O is coming on. I think it’s the one where Carol Burnett plays a Black Widow. :-)



A day without issues…does not exist for me

I was going say today was fine, nothing to complain about it…Then I realized, this is me we’re talking about. I am professional complainer.

Bex has been low today. Because family is ass trash and they can make you feel shittier than anyone else ever could. I get it. I don’t have the answers because I still get my ass kicked by some of idiotic family bullshit. Best I can do is avoid and keep my distance. A counselor taught me that years ago after meeting my family. She said they were bad for my mental health. I think family can be that way when you don’t conform and fit the collective. Family is the borg, and if you won’t be assimilated…you will be shunned and critiqued and discussed behind your back like a naughty little child. ASS TRASHERY at its finest.

I got bills paid today. Ran errands. Had to make two trips to the optical place because my kid keeps yanking at her glasses and bending them. I’m just gonna put a cardboard box out front and live there ‘cos this is the fifth time in a month she’s been there. I know she’s young but kids learn through routine and repetition. My kid does not. She just keeps doing it and saying “what happened?” Kind of like her fit at McDonald’s when I said it was time to go and ran back into the playpit screaming. I had to fetch her, kicking and screaming, and she refused to put her shoes on and kicked me, so I just carried her to the car that way. I expect this from a 2 year old. She’s nearly five. Ridiculous.

My biggest moment of panic today was trying to back out of the MIckey D’s parking lot as their drive thru runs right through and was backed up onto the main road. So you couldn’t pull forward or back out and the car temp was raising and I felt boxed in and…Massive panic. If my heart ever stops, they can save the shocker things and just give me a panic attack. Work just as well.

I had a couple of moments of blinding anger today. Which is why I am often so wishy washy. My anger is like a fever, it boils up and over and I could so easily forget to reign it in. Bad things could ensue. I am so afraid of being viewed as a welcome mat, I think things fester and anger me more than they should. The only one who suffers is me, burning alive with this fever of anger at times. I don’t know how to stop it.

Aside from heat and itching…Survivable day. Not great, not bad. Just…one more day of the mundane. Now…my head is starting to hurt and I need a shower and I need to prepare for tomorrow’s planned outing. I pray I don’t have some abrupt mood shift overnight and go into fearful paranoid ass trash mode.

Prayer has never done me much good with mental illness, though.