Daily Archives: May 30, 2014

Be At Peace with Yourself


Filed under: Uncategorized

For Sharing


Don’t give in to stigma. If you dig this video, share it so more people with mental illness can leave shame behind.

Sleep! Thank God!

I’m totally off the Effexor!  The bad news is that I couldn’t tolerate it.  The good news is that I went off it without a hitch.  Phew! I got two decent nights’ sleep in a row.  I am a completely different person than a few, sleep-deprived days ago.  If I had to do my clinic’s […]

High Strung Much?

My mood seems to be holding steady. Not euphoric, not in the abyss. I can deal with this. Not optimal but manageable.

I am noticing what a crappy mom I am. And most of it correlates to the mental stuff. While atm, the depression and mood swings are holding…My anxiety and irritability are off the bloody charts. Becca is so patient with Spook, doesn’t raise her voice, doesn’t spaz out when Spook is at her irritating worst. (Well aside from the time she stomped off to her room and then yesterday when Spook wouldn’t stop banging metal train on the table and tossed her computer on the laptop so hard it bounced in an effort to confiscate and hide the train.)

Today we went to the gas station and Spook took off running, right in front of a car. Becca was calm, I was screaming in panic. Not my finest moment, but the panic was just instantaneous. I was terrified. And frustrated, because the child knows better. She goes out of her way to push my buttons. And the counselor says she feeds off my anxiety. Well, wtf am I supposed to do? If I could do away with all this mental bullshit, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I am at this point where I feel inferior and incompetent. Then there’;s this part of my brain that simply doesn’t care anymore. The child wants  a battle of wills, she’s got one. My mom yelled at me, constantly. I survived. It actually made me grow a thicker skin. I don’t like raising my voice, or the satan voice, as I call it, but it’s the only thing that gets her attention. Her new thing is get in my face when I say no and scream YES! I have seen kids do that, but she has taken it to an extreme and no amount of time outs or taking things away is having an impact.

So I am just trying to survive here, screw being super perfect mom. I love her, I take care of  her, I am gonna make mistakes. I can only hope she turns out okay in spite of them. I TRY.

Meanwhile…Neighbors are moving out around me left and right and my paranoia and panic are rising with word that the landlord didn’t pay ytaxes so by September I may likely be homeless. This is how it goes, rats abandoning ship before it takes on more water. I have no idea what I will do if it comes down to that. And it had me so stressed earlier, I went from feeling pretty damn good to having one of my lovely little stress stomach aches from hell. Stellar.

Amidst it all, the one saving grace is that…Becca is amazing. Sawsome. She has such a good heart, even if she doesn’t know it. And I don’t think she realizes has grateful I am and how much I appreciate and value her friendship. The way we mesh so well is as magical as finding a unicorn is real. My whole life I’ve been told I can’t get along with anyone, I run them all off. This proves all I needed was someone who gets me and knows the mental stuff isn’t personal. It means everything to me.

Okay, overemoting portion of the post done.

Maybe something funny to close with. (BTW, thanks Bex I have had Metallica stuck in my head since you sent me this. Ass trash.)


Things to wake up for??

What are some things to wake up for, other than to live another day?

Its so hard to wake up, but to wake up with mental illness?? FORGET IT!

Although, in some of my recent posts, people have told me to find something to wake up for and to channel my energy into something creative…

…like what?

Everything that I start I stop because my mind says “this sucks, lets stop” or “I’m tired” and never picks it up again. How do I keep from being so scatterbrained? How do I find something I like to do….

…and make a million dollars off of it and never have to work again!!!!

What? Too much?

What wakes you up??

Filed under: Ranting

Oh Yeah, DBT!

After my last stint in the looney bin in late January/early February, I was “encouraged” to join a DBT Intensive Outpatient Program that lasted nine weeks, which I did.  It was for three hours, three times a week.  It was a very beneficial class, in that it teaches skills to use to defuse the emotionally-laden situations that Bipolars are known for.  It’s especially beneficial (so they say) for those who suffer intense suicidal ideation, which is a motherfucker of an obsession that comes and goes for me.

Once the DBT IOP ended, I gave everyone in the class my phone number and we said “let’s get together and continue studying these skills” and that promise finally came to fruition tonight!  I have to say, I am SO PROUD of the four of us who showed up!  It was so productive, and supportive to talk about where we’ve been since we finished the IOP, what’s working for us, and where we’re struggling.  I am just super-pleased with how it turned out.

Granted, we went on a lot of tangents, talking about drugs, illicit and otherwise, and other various experiences, like jail, suicide attempts, and being committed, but we managed to focus back in on what we wanted to work on without being too intense or nazi-ish.  I am glad!

After spending all day turning my home into a super-deluxe showplace, it felt really good to relax and enjoy these people.  And now I get to enjoy this shining clean house!

Tomorrow I will go for the old snap crackle & pop, my first ECT treatment in three weeks (the longest I’ve gone without a treatment since last December).  Although I think I could have used one around Monday, I’m still happy that we’re successfully spacing them out further and further.  It will be good to see Dr. BigHeart and all the staff there at the looney bin, the ECT Staff are pretty cool.  I think I’ve done ok in the last three weeks, I’ve increased my social contacts (a struggle for me) and I’ve managed not to gain any more weight, YAY!  Now if I could just go in the other direction.

See you all on the other side of the Zap!  Yeahhhhhhh!!!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar ECT, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, DBT, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

People of The Lie ~ M. Scott Peck, M.D.

So, I am reading People of The Lie in a second attempt in about a decade to try and understand the nature of malignant narcissism. I was raised by one, and I have often wondered did I become like this person, or was I simply scarred in my attempts to defend myself from this person; […]

People of The Lie ~ M. Scott Peck, M.D.

So, I am reading People of The Lie in a second attempt in about a decade to try and understand the nature of malignant narcissism. I was raised by one, and I have often wondered did I become like this person, or was I simply scarred in my attempts to defend myself from this person; […]

10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started Taking Antidepressants


I love this. Wish I knew this before taking them, and some things I still need to learn! :/

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

1. Look into your family tree.

Chronic depression is one of those things that often runs in your family. It helps to look into how it has affected family members and how they’ve battled it. It helps you come up with your own battle plan a bit more easily as well as remember that you aren’t special in your illness — many people suffer from chronic depression.

2. Do your research about side-effects.

Talking to your family members who have been medicated at some point in their life is a great way to gauge how different side-effects may or may not affect you, but you still definitely need to study the antidepressant you’re thinking about taking. Make sure you understand basic brain chemistry and some of the major differences between drugs.

3. Prepare for a very big lifestyle change.

Most antidepressants will affect how drugs and alcohol affects you, your sleep…

View original 412 more words

Filed under: Ranting

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch…..

We got Sis all moved out/in today in a matter of only about two hours, thanks to the combined efforts of my oldest girl and her husband (and a bit of dog-sitting and door-holding by Will and me). Now we can use our garage door to go in and out again like we usually do (the front door? That’s for guests) and the rooms where Louise’s things were kept all these months echo when we walk in there. It does feel weird…..but boy, was she happy to have her belongings again.

We visited for awhile as she and her table-mates ate lunch (homemade chicken enchiladas! Wish I’d been hungry…..). Of course, I wondered the entire time just how much these ladies know about me because Louise, bless her heart, doesn’t think my being “BP” (as she calls it) is the least bit weird or unusual, thus she doesn’t have any trouble discussing it. Which is OK, just a bit awkward when she introduces me to someone who has obviously heard of me, and I don’t know whether they’ve also heard my sad-luck story or not.

Which, in turn, is really no one’s problem but my own. I’M the one who feels uncomfortable and even a little self-conscious, and there’s no damn reason for it. I guess I still have a little ways to go when it comes to picking up this big stinky turd that life handed me by the clean end. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s not like I have a scarlet “B” stitched on the front of my T-shirt…..although I recently saw one with the universal symbol for bipolar :): as well as the term itself emblazoned on both the front and back.

Now I wonder: Who wears something like that?? I’m not ASHAMED of having the illness, but neither do I care to advertise it. Since the place I saw the shirt was a store geared to young girls, I have to presume it’s one of those vanity statements, like “Spoiled” or “Juicy” etched in glitter. These kids know absolutely nada about the disorder itself or what it’s like to carry this diagnosis…..but then, they probably don’t really know all the implications of “Juicy” either. At least, I hope not.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…..now that Louise finally has all her possessions and can settle in for real, she looks more comfortable in her surroundings. It’s a nice place, much better than the one she was in prior to this move, and I feel better about her being there. Typically, she looks out for her fellow residents and directs the staff to attend to their needs, and if she’s not president of the resident council before the year is out I’ll be shocked. She’s a natural leader, though she didn’t really know it till about 20 years ago when we were in college, and she’d be perfect in that role because she’s not afraid to upset the proverbial apple-cart.

For now, though, she’s got boxes and bags to sort through, so she’ll be pretty busy for awhile. In the meantime, that nagging sense of loss I talked about yesterday has yet to be dealt with, and that makes tomorrow’s appointment with Dr. A especially well-timed.

Oh, shit. I just found my AM meds still in my pill minder, which goes to prove that I really DO need Will to nag me about them. I was wondering why I’ve felt a little ‘off’ today. Good thing I’m not a certain TV character, or I’d be full-blown manic by now. LOL.