Daily Archives: May 27, 2014

How to Tell if Someone is Faking Mental Illness

What do you think?

Do you know of someone who faked or fake Mental Illness??

Filed under: mental health awareness, Ranting, Videos

Animal Friendship

Originally posted on MOONSIDE:
survivor55:This video proves that animals have souls just as we have souls. A soul is a mind, a will and emotions. They don’t have the spirit that God placed inside of humans, but they do have souls!! Such a great video!! Originally posted on MOONSIDE: View original

Seizures and Bipolar Disorder: Is There a Connection?

When The Seizures Began About 15 years ago I had a series of blackouts. At the time I was living in Stockton, California, which is about 80 miles east of San Francisco. From my viewpoint the blackouts weren’t so bad. I would blackout suddenly and then come out of it suddenly. It would seem like […]

The post Seizures and Bipolar Disorder: Is There a Connection? appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

Back to the Future!

My job is officially gone.

I am unemployed once more and I feel good and bad. I feel like I just jumped out of a window, but somehow I know there is something that will catch me. A leap of faith maybe?

So…i guess this means you will be hearing a lot more from my mentally illed ass a lot more..


Filed under: depressed, Ranting, Work

Holding My Own

The crazy knocked on the door over the weekend but by yesterday I felt more solid. Productive, too. And Bex has been helping out and I haven’t even had to put a gun to her head.It’s awesome. Already she has proven more interesting and useful than both of the idiots I married. If it weren’t for that whole thing where I like men and she likes women…Though she seems to be sitting around waiting for everything to turn to shit and us to try to kill each other and it irks me. That level of pessimism is MY forte, goddamn it.

It occurred to me that I may not actually be slipping. My Paxil was increased and the dose split into twice a day so my system is adjusting to that. It’s bound to make things unstable for a little while. The heat and my kid when she channels satan are major stressors, too, so no doubt that fucks with me head.

All in all..It’s working out beyond my wildest expectations. I’ve never clicked so completely with a person. We can sit in the same room and talk or just be quiet and click away on our keyboards. Sometimes we even send IM’s when we’re six feet away from each other. It’s funny. I’ve even let her use my computer. I didn’t even let husbands touch my computers. They were threats. They were unworthy. Bex does not give me bad vibes or heebie jeebies. That matters. She’s not judged me, not once complained about my messy house or the stampede of cats. She is sawsome that way. I have never been so happy to have been wrong about someone. I mean, it wasn’t without basis, my own mom says I live in squalor and my home is a dump. To be so harshly judged by people who claim to love you, it’s hard not to expect the same from others who come from a different country and socioeconomic background.

I was wrong. And it’s excellent to be wrong.

It’s also excellent to be able to breathe in the presence of another. I normally sit around waiting for people to leave, nervous and bored and irate that they are distracting me from living inside my head with their stupid reality. It’s not like that now. Companionable silence, chat when it happens naturally…I guess that is how it is for everyone else all the time. It’s never been like this for me before. People have always been an irritant, like a brillo pad to the skin. Of course, this is the first time in my life I have interacted with someone who has the mood crashes and anxiety issues I do.  It makes all the difference in the world when you can be sullen and quiet or leave the room to regroup without an interrogation and oh woe is me “what did i do to piss you off now” spiel. FFS, mood swings are not personal when you have bipolar. Nice someone else gets that.

I have written 40 pages in three days. With Spook and her friends running riot and Bex here and cats everywhere. It’s all just clicking. If I could avoid the abrupt mood crashes and anxiety, it would be, dare I say, happy fun ball territory.

Just gotta watch my back. Crazy can come knocking at any time.

Dept of (Un)Welfare

How is anyone ever supposed to navigate this bullshit system? I spent 30 minutes on it and my tongue/mouth ticks are out of control. I have two sets of the same notice – one with a due date of 5/28 and a hellaciously long list of things they need to verify I’m crazy and poor but are attainable if I worked hard enough and one that I just found today with a due date of 5/12 (obviously already passed) and a much shorter list that is much easier to compile with the exception of “proof of social security application” – the basic starter bit of which is expected to last at least 6 months and which I’m applying for all this other bullshit just to get a case mgmt office to officially help me deal with navigating.

I called to leave a message at the Welfare office (seeing as how I do still work part time, you see, and its a bit hard to actually reach someone/be in the m0od to reach someone during the week) and there are literally no voicemails for anyone, they just tell you to call back. Understandably, I assume, since undoubtedly if they did have mailboxes the poor cubicle dwellers would probably come in every morning to a barrage of bat-shit insane angry confused messages and lets be honest, thats a bit much for anyone to deal with before the coffee’s kicked in. Then I called my case mgmt agency to see if there was anyone there who could help me navigate the conflicting yet oh-so-urgent paperwork and got an answer service instead of a voice mailbox, I suppose so they can make sure no one is ringing up in the middle of the night suicidal over said forms (a legitimate worry), so I simply apologized for the bother and agreed to telephone tomorrow morning after 8:30. Assuming I have an available spoon or two at the time, that is – because I certainly used my very last one that I had on reserve for today.

What drives me up a wall is that this system is DESIGNED to DRIVE people to “insanity.” After all, isn’t the general definition doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Behold, filling out form after form after form and expecting ANY result.

I would have continued to push aside this monumental task were it not for the looming deadline that may or may not have already passed. How are people like me meant to navigate all this? I’m lucky that there is a local case mgmt agency that will help me file for SSDI but I have to be accepted or rejected from Medicaid first in order for them to get paid for their free services to me by either Medicaid (if I get it, which is an absurdly long shot) or the County (if I don’t, which is more likely). Either way I’d just like to get on with it, please.

Plus here’s the real rub – it is sooooo hard to constantly try to convince random people that you’re mentally disabled and bordering on destitute while retaining any sense of dignity or worth whatsoever. Going through everything over and over, pulling bank statements and hospital bills and medication lists, its like your whole like is taken over by the very tangible effects/realities of the illness. Especially when nearly 13 years after being first diagnosed I’m only now on the path to acceptance and understanding.

Though I’ll be the first to admit that I probably should’ve stayed away from this particular set of tasks while navigating through my first bought of dysphoric mania (not officially dx’d by my MH care team, but honestly, that’s what it has to be).

Basically, in summation – this process is enough to drive someone perfectly sane completely round the bend, so imagine what it’s doing to me – BiPolar, currently on the back end of dysphoria, anxiety and panic ridden, who for the moment is simply trying to convince myself to stop gnawing on my own tongue. At least my anger/frustration is keeping me from crying in the fetal position, so I suppose it does have some defensive/coping use.